Aftermath

(Below is a letter I sent to http://www.bodymindsoul.org/ while anxious about my sexuality and the social acceptance or rejection I might experience as a result of disclosing it)



Hi from Wellington!

My name's Danny and I stumbled on your site while looking for advice, I hoped you might be able to just offer an opinion or something?

I'm 26, I identify as gay/bi and I have a boyfriend I've been seeing for a year. I have no problems with my sexuality as such, but I learned about polyamory about two years ago, having always had feelings of guilt for experiencing feelings for more than one person. It was a relief to have a name for it, and reassuring to know I wasn't completely immoral or abnormal.

Early last year I fell head over heels for a gay couple my age, and knowing what to call it didn't stop it hurting. I spent every weekend with them, we hung out lots, I thought we had lots in common and daydreamed about them all the time. We never had a sexual relationship, but they said they loved me over and over, called me their Third, the older guy talked to me about dreams he had where the three of us were just always together. We always curled up on the couch together, they talked about me moving in... with the understanding that I'd have my own room, kind of like their kid or something.

I was really happy, but I wanted it to go further, only I couldn't tell them how I felt, the younger guy was Christian and the older guy was kinda conservative, or at least, fairly 'respectable'. I didn't get jealous about them going off to bed together and leaving me by myself, but I did wish they'd bring me along, and not for sex, but just to keep cuddling. To cut what could be a long story short, they got engaged, I was thrilled, then one night the younger one went to bed early leaving his partner and me cuddling on the couch. The older guy was telling me how I meant so much to him, and I let slip that I was in love with them both. I don't think he quite got the message, but he got turned on and asked to have sex with me.

I said yes, reluctantly, and we did it there and then. He held me for a few moments afterward then went off to bed and his fiance, and for the first time I felt jealous. It happened again the next day, then he said it could never happen again, that he was disgusting, an adulterer...
For the next while he just wouldn't talk about it, though I tried to get some kind of closure. I felt like I'd cheated on them both, and he started to talk about finding me a boyfriend in a very offhand manner, which made me furious. I felt so guilty it was hard to talk to the younger guy, but couldn't just mention what had happened because they'd be getting married soon.

The wedding came, I had to organise the younger guy's stag do (which was no fun for me at all!) and then on the big day itself, as his groomsman I had to listen to them making vows of fidelity and loyalty to one another, feeling like it was all lies, and that someone was going to get really hurt in the long run, and that in turn hurt me. I ended up leaving really early, not long after the service, because I couldn't go on trying to smile. In the wedding photos, people always point out that I look miserable, and I have to say I was feeling ill.

I've stayed away from them as much as I can, but our paths cross fairly frequently because I gradually fell for my current boyfriend, who is best friends with the one I had sex with. My now-boyfriend was my only support over the weekend of the wedding, he saw how much I cried, and I saw a really generous soul in him through that whole mess. He knows what happened, but we don't talk about it, and he's a bit reluctant to give 100%, I guess he's scared of being hurt, and I have to deal with that. I want to move on with my life, build a future with him, I love him a lot. But I find I still get angry about the couple I loved, I guess I'm not fully over the hurt and all the falseness that went on. I still don't even know if they've talked it through between themselves, because I'm out of the loop and feel like I have no right to stick my beak in, however much it f****d me up.

I don't know that I'd ever trust my feelings of attraction again, and that kind of scares me, cos I know I'm prone to being in love or sometimes just in lust with more than one person at a time. I don't want to ruin my future with the new boyfriend with my unresolved feelings toward the couple I loved, or by dealing badly with a new attraction in future.

I realise you and your group offer support for people choosing to live polyamorously, and my situation is sort of post-polyamorous at best, but I wondered what you say to help people get over a triad-breakup, and if you have any insights that might help me? Friends I've confided in think it's all a bit freaky, and none of them really believe it was more than a sex thing.

I realise this is a bit long, I didn't mean it to be. Anything you might have to say about the situation would be deeply appreciated.

Many thanks,

DannyR

Had Enough, Yo

Sad but true: our consumer lifestyles, driving when we could walk, purchasing from supermarkets, wearing synthetic fabrics, watching TV, buying plastic toys for our kids and drinking coffee are factors contributing to the melting of the ice caps, which threatens the survival of the Polar Bear, and eventually, our own species.

Regrets

I'm actually writing this post on November 17th 2009, my anniversary, a day of reflection and contemplation on my life.

Looking back on 2002 seven years later, I'm struck by how shallow and self-centred my diary entries of the time were, how oblivious I was to the feelings of others, and how utterly clueless I was about relationships and sex. I treated Bryce appallingly in '02, he had been my best friend for a couple of years and I casually discarded him in order to rush into one unsuitable relationship after another.

All that Christian virtue of mine, where's the evidence? I was inconsiderate, selfish and vain, I avoided conflict and in so doing I didn't treat people who had been good to me with the respect they deserved. Perhaps I got what I deserved in Aaron.

I would do anything to go back and change my behaviour that year, but as one of my diary quotes from the time wisely says, "Sometimes more is learned from being wrong, rather than right." Another diary quote says "A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory."

Bryce, Brent, if you're out there, I'm really, truly sorry.

Disaster Party

I had arranged to meet Ben at the Rangiora Car Show today, but he didn't show up (no surprises there then).

I was there with Brent and Bryce, and Bryce seemed to notice that Brent and I were a bit cuddly. We had leftovers for lunch at Brent's and then Bryce and I went over to his place to watch movies while Brent stayed home to tidy up house for another party that night.

We watched Meet Joe Black, which made us a bit late to pick up Steve and Leon for the party. This time, it was all gays, and Bryce was obviously uncomfortable. I noticed Steve kissing him on the verandah, with leon right there, but I didn't really understand what was going on, I was playing hostess again. Everyone was saying that Brent and I made a cute couple, and Bryce got very upset. He followed me to Brent's bedroom and I ended up telling him that Brent and I were together.

Later, we all piled into cars and went clubbing. Brent and I danced together but soon wanted to go, and so we left early and went back to his place and slept together again. Bryce told me the next day that he'd stayed the night at Steve and Leon's.


"Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?"

The Deal Is Sealed

Brent's for dinner at 4:30pm. His middle-age, upper-middle-class straight friends were there, and one of them was coming onto me but I didn't care. I was playing hostess and helping Brent cook. It was a bit of a party and everyone was pretty happy. Brent was showing off his dick, which I thought was odd but because everyone else accepted this as normal I accepted it too. It's pretty big.

At the end of the night Brent and me waved goodbye as everyone left, and we went to bed together. It was fantastic.


"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you accomplished?"

Foreshadowing...

Brent dropped me home at 7am before he went to work. We'd stayed up all night talking and cuddling (no sex), after he said I was cuddly. At first I thought 'well that's good,' because everyone seemed to like hugging, but it became clear that he meant a little more than that. I wasn't freaked out, though, despite the age gap.

"If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro,' what's the opposite of 'progress'?"

Gays Like Cars

Went on the Car Rally with Leon, Steve, Brent, driving all around Christchurch in Steve's Mercedes. It was a hot day, and lots of fun.

I stayed over at Brent's talking til late, and went to bed in the spare room.

Back to the Bother...

Went flat hunting with Bryce, and decided to apply for a job at Mobil.

Had dinner at Brent's, we watched Interview with the Vampire, which I'd never seen before and which made me horny.

Horny Holiday

On Wednesday the 16th of January, me and Bryce packed up and drove to Queenstown, he'd scored accommodation in the A Line Hotel through his work. It was beautiful and sunny on the way down and we listened to cds the whole way. We checked into the hotel and Bryce was embarrassed that we were sharing a double bed - he thought it might get back to his work.

In Queenstown, we played cards a lot, ate way too much McDonalds, went on a lot of walks around the town and the surrounding countryside, went to see The Lord of the Rings at the movies again (I'd already seen it with my mum), and tried fucking. Neither of us was really able to bottom, though, so we gave up and and kept to the usual routine.

The day after we arrived, we went for a walk around the Botanic Gardens on the peninsula at night, as we sat on a park bench talking, holding hands, we were surprised and a bit alarmed to see a guy standing under the bushes, watching us and masturbating. We ran away and sat under a streetlight back in town, and laughed when the same guy walked past ten minutes later.

On the Saturday we visited Glenorchy, and went for a long walk around the lagoon. This was followed by a long drive out into the countryside along a gravel road, looking for a place called, ironically enough, 'Paradise.' We didn't find it.

Later that afternoon we played minigolf, and Bryce beat the pants off me. Then we went up the Gondola and went on the Luge, which is bloody scary.

On Sunday 20th, we left the hotel at 10am and drove to Milford Sound and Te Anau. The scenery was amazing, but the trip was long and boring. We didn't go on a ferry ride or anything, it was too expensive. Then it was a long drive back towards Christchurch, stopping overnight at Twizel in a horrible little budget backpackers.

The next morning we continued home, heading up inland to Mount Cook. Thank god I didn't get a job at The Hermitage Hotel there, it's so boring, despite the spectacular views.

Driving on, we stopped at Tekapo for lunch, visited the Church of the Good Shepherd and the famous statue of the dog, and then we began the final leg of the journey. We got back into Christchurch at 3:30pm and I went back to Ben and Becky's to do laundry.

I spent the evening at Tall Steve and Short Leon's house, reading their books about gay culture and listening to Steve prattle on.



"Why is it called Tourist Season if you can't shoot them?"

"Is a castrated pig disgruntled?"

"Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?"

"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

Not Misleading At All...

I had sex with Bryce again at Ben and Becky's while they were out, just for fun. We have an agreement...


Q: Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A: When they wake up, they start digging...

It's All Fucked Up

Walked into town from Ben and Becky's in the rain to meet Brent at Strawberry Fare, only to find that he wasn't there - Tall Steve rang him to tell him I was there waiting for him, and kept me company until he arrived. Apparently he hadn't thought I'd actually show up, and had decided to stay in bed.

We sat talking for about an hour, he seemed really nice and jolly, we ate desserts, which were really nice, and then he drove me in his little red suzuki alto to visit Adrian and Vicki at her parents' house in Proctor Street. Derek and Joan were really lovely, as usual, and it was nice to see Adrian and Vicki although of course I didn't say anything about my secret gay life, and then I walked to Bryce's work at the Cotswald Hotel.

I waited for Bryce in his car listening to his cds, and then when he finished work we spent the afternoon just hanging out. At seven, he dropped me off at the movie theatre where I'd arranged to meet Tall Steve and Brent, and Tall Steve had brought his partner along, Short Leon. We went and watched the brilliant new Pixar film, Monsters, Inc., followed by dinner in town.

Afterwards, we drove to a nice house not far from the centre of town, owned by some of Brent's friends. There were a whole bunch of gay guys there, it was going to be a movie night. They had a huge TV, and it was linked up to a computer. The host's partner disappeared up the stairs with some guy, and they were gone for a while, and I remember thinking he looked a bit sad about it, though I don't think I really cottoned on to what that might mean til later.

We sat around watching movies off the computer, and Tall Steve insisted that I lie down across his lap. He was stroking my leg, and I felt a bit uncomfortable, I could see his boyfriend Short Leon watching from across the room. They put on some weird porn, with a guy in a motorbike kelmet and nothing else fucking himself slowly with a traffic cone. I was getting really uncomfortable, because I was turned on, and went and hid in the bathroom, trying to compose myself. When I came out, I asked to leave, and Brent drove me back to Ben and Becky's house.

I got in the door, feeling pretty creeped out, and realised I'd left my hat at the house.

Fateful Night...

Went to Chameleon by myself, meaning to meet Bryce there when he finished work. While I waited I got talking to a 30-something year old cook, Brent, we got along well.

Bryce arrived, I told him to bugger off because I wanted to be alone. A Japanese boy bought me a wine because I looked sad sitting by myself.

Brent introduced me to his friend Steve (Another one!! This one is young and tall and very slim), and we made a date to meet the next morning at Strawberry Fare wher Steve works.


"Life is a box of thistles, and I've been dealt all the really prickly ones."

Mixed Messages? Not me...

Meant to have dinner with Sarah and Bryce, but we ended up just having coffee at Java.

Later, Me and Bryce had sex just as friends. He knows he's not my boyfriend, but we can still be intimate.


Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead too.

Q: Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was following the latest trend.

I Don't Want This

I rang Steve to find out where and when we were meeting.

He picked me up at half past one outside Eastgate McDonalds.

We drove up into the Port Hills, it was a sunny but pretty windy day.

We went for a walk in the park at the top of the hills.

He suggested we sit down on some rocks a little way off from the path.

He made a move on me, and I let him suck me off a bit, but I felt really uncomfortable and pressured into it.

I told him to stop. He didn't want to. I insisted.

He stopped.

He drove me bck to town and let me out by the Library.

I went to find Sarah in the Library where she works, I felt really filthy, unhappy, abused.

She calmed me down.


Q:What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Rottweiler

Endings and Beginnings?

I dumped Bryce in the Botanic Gardens this evening, sitting on a park bench as it drizzled. He didn't take it well, but we might be able to remain friends.

Sarah ****** ****** hasn't moved in with her lecturer/lover, M******, she suggested that she and I live together.

Q: How much does a good popstar weigh?
A: About 800 grams, minus the urn.

Blast from the Past

What a day!

I stayed in Bryce's spare room, he tried to make out with me, I didn't give in. Then I came to Ben and Becky's house, bused into town, read my book, met with Steve, our relationship may turn sexual, but I don't know.

Finally spent some time with Nathan, told him I'm queer. Came back to Channel Place, got hold of Amy Roberts on the phone, caught up, found out Robbie Northcroft is gay and Daniel Bell is engaged. What a load off my mind - I needed that!

"If there are no dogs in heaven, I want to go wherever they went."

Trouble Brewing...

Began the day skipping.

Went to WINZ, transferred details.

Met Bryce at 2.45pm in the Library.

Watched TV and a video - got fish n chips for tea. Things are getting awkward - he knows something is happening with our relationship but not what.

Q:Why do men always wear a stupid look?
A: Because they're stupid.

A Mess

Steps have split as of Friday 27th December 2001.

Spent all morning at Ben and Becky's working out, very hot day.

I visited Joy Bell in Amberley with Bryce in the evening on the way to pick up his sister Kylie from Motunau. I got a whole lot of plums from Bryce's parents at their Motunau bach, which was nice.

Bryce is whinging because we don't make out anymore, and I don't like using his money, but I was stupid enough to spend all my money on clothes.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on wednesday.

Less than Perfect....

Met Steve in town in the evening, discussed the Bryce situation - I have to dump him - I love him a lot.

In the evening, Bryce and I went for a walk on the beach, I was very depressed. I don't like living at Ben and Becky's house.

Q: What will it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.

2002.. New Start

Saw in the New Year at Chameleon, a gay pub here in Christchurch. Just spent the night dancing with Bryce.

Stayed the night at Bryce's house, but slept in the spare room. I've gone off the idea of sex with him - I feel cheap, and he's not the one I want. We're mismatched. However, I love him a lot, and I dn't want to hurt him. I hope I can stay friends with him.

Went down to Oamaru to pick up the rest of my stuff, Mum didn't exactly give Bryce and myself a very warm reception. McDonalds for tea again.

Amy Roberts has been trying to get hold of me.

Q: How do you save La La from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.