Unblocking

My Depression is NOT a result of a chemical imbalance in my brain. I may have an imbalance, but I firmly believe that if there is one, it is a mere effect. We're social animals, human beings, and physiologically we have certain needs. If those needs aren't met, the body (and brain) suffers. I have been cowed into a state of near-permanent submission because I'm different to those around me, my needs as a social organism have not been met for a long time - most of my life, in fact. My parents and siblings have disowned and belittled me, friends and romantic and sexual partners have criticised and condemned any nonconformity and suppressed me. I have been at the bottom of the pecking order all my life, the dog the others all snarl at. My depression, therefore, is the result of being effectively 'shut-down' by almost everyone around me, and of course my health has suffered as a result. I have not been my authentic self because I learned from the people around me that my authentic self was unacceptable.

I'm an artist at heart - I draw and paint, I write poetry and stories, I love to sing and dance. When I felt ashamed of these things and stopped doing them, THAT is when I developed an unhealthy relationship with food, gained weight, lost muscle, lost my self esteem and became depressed. All that external stuff stopped my brain and glands from functioning as they otherwise would. My task for 2012 then is clear - to recover what I've lost. And I think I can do it now because I no longer NEED anyone as much as I used to, I've learned to validate myself (see my last post). By living authentically again, I will encourage my body to recover from the years of repression and rediscover happiness and the feeling of being whole.

Of course another part of my Depression that I've only just started to understand is that I did this to myself - my Depression is a by-product of the way I have lived my life. But don't think I'm being negative here - because the way I've lived that I'm referring to I would not change for the world. I have sought to empathise with and understand others all my life, I've forgiven and explained away every hurtful word and action directed at me and gained invaluable insights into the way people's minds work, and as a result I've been able to provide greater support and comfort to others in need than many other people do. I'm PROUD of that, if nothing else, THAT'S what I exist for. But I haven't been able to find my own my to release all that hurt and frustration, my art would have been the ideal outlet but I was convinced I did not have those avenues for expression. I've been drowning in the emotions I haven't been able to release.