This is a video a friend linked me to , it's about the potential for depression when you've cast off superstitious beliefs and magical thinking (aka: religion). While at first he sounds a little dismissive, he does actually make some really good points later in the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBBWMo8ISe0&feature=colike
Here's the text if you can't watch the video:
Believers and non-believers alike have asked me about the potential depression that comes with a life free of the belief or faith in a purpose granting, paradise promising deity. It's old hat for theists to accuse me of being miserable and depressed due to my life without God, but recently I've also heard from atheists who seem legitimately depressed as a result of their delusion free world view. They've tried to explain to me that they can now understand why the religious people so desperately clutch to illogical, nonsensical, and absurd beliefs. They explain that it makes sense to do so, being that their lives of free thought have exposed to them just how pointless and empty life must be.
In my opinion the meaning of life question is a trite and trivial one- and no, the answer isn't 42. The decision of life's purpose belongs entirely to the individual. The evident understanding that our lives don't have a pre-determined meaning or a guaranteed afterlife waiting for us shouldn't be depressing. I prefer being the lone drafter of my life goals and evaluator of my success. This preference, however does not dictate my position. I didn't decide to take a path of free thought, skepticism and atheism because I like being personally accountable for what I do with my own life. Even if I took the position of those depressed skeptics who consider life meaningless without the illusion of God-given purpose, no level of desire for that perspective could allow me to convince myself of that for which I can see no actual evidence or logical presence of, and if I was genuinely convinced a god exists, no level of desire to the contrary would allow me genuinely disbelieve my own convictions. I might really want to believe that when I wake up tomorrow I'll have a job as Beyonce's personal masseur- but my desires do not inform my actual beliefs.
So, I'm perfectly happy to enjoy the many things life has to offer, even though it also offers plenty of things to be upset about. One of my favorite teachers taught me that nature craves balance. There are emotional valleys and plateaus to suffer through and be enthralled by. We are fortunate enough against all odds to be living beings, to enjoy a sliver of time as a part of this colossal cosmos with an intellect just strong enough to be self-aware, and capable of appreciating the majesty of all existence around us. I consider it a privilege to have the atoms and molecules that make up our physical existence temporarily taking the form of sentient beings with conscious brains.
As living beings with those complex brains, we're able to experience the emotional jolts of terror, love, hope, victory, defeat, and wonder in a way the overwhelmingly vast majority of molecular compositions throughout the known galaxy ever could. In my opinion, the ability to hold those experiences, and the understanding of just how rare and finite they are make this life very special, and I'm humbled and appreciative to partake in it. So no, most other people living their lives don't see eye to eye with me, and I think they'd be better off if they did- and no, life doesn't come with a neat little instruction booklet, or a gift-wrapped objective meaning. But, from my perspective, life is just too short to spend it in depression because of it.
Showing posts with label Atheism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Atheism. Show all posts
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Do YOU Have A Relationship With Satan?
As I was out for my early morning walk today (in the rain - love that) I had a bit of a revelation.
Christianity has misunderstood ha-Satan (Satan), as it has misunderstood so many things about the Jewish tradition on which it was based*.
Under Christianity, Satan has become something of a boogeyman, a malicious and evil entity in perpetual conflict with God, trying to tempt the unwary into sin and destruction. But that's not what ha-Satan was at all as originally conceived by the ancient Hebrews.
Ha-Satan is a TITLE, not a name, the prefix 'ha' simply being the Jewish 'the', the noun 'Satan' simply meaning 'accuser' or 'adversary'. So it's 'the Accuser', or 'the Adversary', a being that opposes or obstructs but which - crucially - is not necessarily in opposition to God, and which isn't, in fact, even evil as such. The term only crops up twice in the Hebrew bible referring to a supernatural entity (in the first two chapters of Job, and in Zechariah 3:1-2), the rest of the time it refers to human agents standing in opposition to a character or the kingdom of Israel.
In Job, ha-Satan is a member of the divine council, "the sons of God" who are subservient to God. Ha-Satan, in this capacity, is often translated into English as "the prosecutor", a being that is charged by God to report back on all who go against God's decrees. At the beginning of the book, Job is a good person "who feared God and turned away from evil" (Job 1:1), and has therefore been rewarded by God. When the divine council meets, God informs ha-Satan about Job's blameless, morally upright character. But ha-Satan counters (between Job 1:9–10 and 2:4–5) that God has given Job everything that a man could want, so of course Job would be loyal to God; if all Job has been given, even his health, were to be taken away from him, however, his faith would collapse. Seeing the logic of this, God proceeds to take everything away from Job - his home, his family, his property, his health - in order to test him. This would seem to imply that ha-Satan is an agent of God's rather than a rival. In Zechariah, 'the Accuser' merely stands at the right hand of God looking upon Joshua and Jerusalem as God himself defends them. The overall impression then, is of a servant of God who acts a bit like a prosecuting attorney. And this, I think, is important.
Thinking about it this morning, I concluded that modern Christianity has in fact robbed people of an important psychological tool. I personally don't believe in supernatural entities - being an apostate and atheist, I think Biblical literalism is fairly childish. But the IDEA of an accuser can be a very helpful thing, perhaps even something crucial to our mental, emotional (and even physical) well-being. I'd like to think that people are all nice, that everyone can get along, that there's no need for aggression or hostility, but we're simply not like that in reality. We NEED enemies, it's hard-wired into us... you've only to look at the nice, decent people on both sides of the political spectrum who habitually demonize those on the other side to see that. But WHY must it be so?
Having an accuser is a bit like having a yard-stick, it allows you to see where you're at, where you're failing, and spurs you on to do better. It's like an externalization of conscience, a concept that the ancient world was largely unfamiliar with. But, more importantly I believe, it's something you have to fight back against - it's no accident that ha-Satan is basically a prosecuting lawyer - imagining a being like that pointing out all your flaws forces you to defend yourself; having your own inner ugliness held up before you in a mirror with no acknowledgement of the good you do pricks at your innate sense of fairness and arouses your indignation, forces you to fight back. In doing so, you assert your own goodness and worth, and convince YOURSELF of your own worthiness, which lifts your self esteem and confidence and makes you happier and ultimately healthier, both mentally and physically**.
Of course, some people have a very low sense of self worth (I'm one, and I seem to know quite a few others, particularly in the more marginal communities of which I am a part***), and such people are not likely to defend themselves against real or imagined accusers. People who have been convinced by others that they're worthless will just agree with their accuser(s), and that is why it's so crucial that we all, everyday, express our sincere gratitude for, appreciation and admiration of those with whom we come into contact, to build up their confidence so that they can defend themselves against the one-sided accusations of their real or imaginary accusers, against their own minds, which are the cruelest adversaries of all.
So I'm going to cultivate an adversarial relationship with an imaginary supernatural entity, because the argument in my head has been pretty one-sided most of my life. Nobody's stood up for me against my attacker (and how could they? He's in my head!), so I'm going to stand up for myself. I'm going to remind myself of the good I have done and point out the good I continue to do, I'm not just going to sit and take it. And I expect I'll be better off for it :)
* Of course, I understand that 'misunderstood' is too simple a description for what has occurred over the 2000 years of Christian tradition, there were a lot of forces at work, personal, priestly and political, seeking to distance Christianity from its origins for a host of reasons.
** Physical health is a good indicator of overall happiness, and in fact laughter, excitement and joy have positive effects on overall physical health.
*** I think the LGBT communities have lost something really important in forgetting the song that used to be our anthem - 'I Am What I Am' by Gloria Gaynor. Whether or not you like the style of music, the song is a powerful assertion of one's individual worthiness and innate goodness, one that very few subsequent songs have emulated. The most recent 'gay anthem', Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way', simply pales in comparison.
Christianity has misunderstood ha-Satan (Satan), as it has misunderstood so many things about the Jewish tradition on which it was based*.
Under Christianity, Satan has become something of a boogeyman, a malicious and evil entity in perpetual conflict with God, trying to tempt the unwary into sin and destruction. But that's not what ha-Satan was at all as originally conceived by the ancient Hebrews.
Ha-Satan is a TITLE, not a name, the prefix 'ha' simply being the Jewish 'the', the noun 'Satan' simply meaning 'accuser' or 'adversary'. So it's 'the Accuser', or 'the Adversary', a being that opposes or obstructs but which - crucially - is not necessarily in opposition to God, and which isn't, in fact, even evil as such. The term only crops up twice in the Hebrew bible referring to a supernatural entity (in the first two chapters of Job, and in Zechariah 3:1-2), the rest of the time it refers to human agents standing in opposition to a character or the kingdom of Israel.
In Job, ha-Satan is a member of the divine council, "the sons of God" who are subservient to God. Ha-Satan, in this capacity, is often translated into English as "the prosecutor", a being that is charged by God to report back on all who go against God's decrees. At the beginning of the book, Job is a good person "who feared God and turned away from evil" (Job 1:1), and has therefore been rewarded by God. When the divine council meets, God informs ha-Satan about Job's blameless, morally upright character. But ha-Satan counters (between Job 1:9–10 and 2:4–5) that God has given Job everything that a man could want, so of course Job would be loyal to God; if all Job has been given, even his health, were to be taken away from him, however, his faith would collapse. Seeing the logic of this, God proceeds to take everything away from Job - his home, his family, his property, his health - in order to test him. This would seem to imply that ha-Satan is an agent of God's rather than a rival. In Zechariah, 'the Accuser' merely stands at the right hand of God looking upon Joshua and Jerusalem as God himself defends them. The overall impression then, is of a servant of God who acts a bit like a prosecuting attorney. And this, I think, is important.
Thinking about it this morning, I concluded that modern Christianity has in fact robbed people of an important psychological tool. I personally don't believe in supernatural entities - being an apostate and atheist, I think Biblical literalism is fairly childish. But the IDEA of an accuser can be a very helpful thing, perhaps even something crucial to our mental, emotional (and even physical) well-being. I'd like to think that people are all nice, that everyone can get along, that there's no need for aggression or hostility, but we're simply not like that in reality. We NEED enemies, it's hard-wired into us... you've only to look at the nice, decent people on both sides of the political spectrum who habitually demonize those on the other side to see that. But WHY must it be so?
Having an accuser is a bit like having a yard-stick, it allows you to see where you're at, where you're failing, and spurs you on to do better. It's like an externalization of conscience, a concept that the ancient world was largely unfamiliar with. But, more importantly I believe, it's something you have to fight back against - it's no accident that ha-Satan is basically a prosecuting lawyer - imagining a being like that pointing out all your flaws forces you to defend yourself; having your own inner ugliness held up before you in a mirror with no acknowledgement of the good you do pricks at your innate sense of fairness and arouses your indignation, forces you to fight back. In doing so, you assert your own goodness and worth, and convince YOURSELF of your own worthiness, which lifts your self esteem and confidence and makes you happier and ultimately healthier, both mentally and physically**.
Of course, some people have a very low sense of self worth (I'm one, and I seem to know quite a few others, particularly in the more marginal communities of which I am a part***), and such people are not likely to defend themselves against real or imagined accusers. People who have been convinced by others that they're worthless will just agree with their accuser(s), and that is why it's so crucial that we all, everyday, express our sincere gratitude for, appreciation and admiration of those with whom we come into contact, to build up their confidence so that they can defend themselves against the one-sided accusations of their real or imaginary accusers, against their own minds, which are the cruelest adversaries of all.
So I'm going to cultivate an adversarial relationship with an imaginary supernatural entity, because the argument in my head has been pretty one-sided most of my life. Nobody's stood up for me against my attacker (and how could they? He's in my head!), so I'm going to stand up for myself. I'm going to remind myself of the good I have done and point out the good I continue to do, I'm not just going to sit and take it. And I expect I'll be better off for it :)
* Of course, I understand that 'misunderstood' is too simple a description for what has occurred over the 2000 years of Christian tradition, there were a lot of forces at work, personal, priestly and political, seeking to distance Christianity from its origins for a host of reasons.
** Physical health is a good indicator of overall happiness, and in fact laughter, excitement and joy have positive effects on overall physical health.
*** I think the LGBT communities have lost something really important in forgetting the song that used to be our anthem - 'I Am What I Am' by Gloria Gaynor. Whether or not you like the style of music, the song is a powerful assertion of one's individual worthiness and innate goodness, one that very few subsequent songs have emulated. The most recent 'gay anthem', Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way', simply pales in comparison.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Comments!! I Heart Comments!!
The following is an email I received about an old essay I posted on this blog about the role of women in early Christianity, and my response.
I sent an email to the address mentioned on your profile page then I saw this email addy so I'm guessing this is the right one.
I read this: http://liminald.blogspot.com/2009/05/role-of-women-in-early-christianity.html
and I don't agree with the conclusion, I don't see any evidence for jesus preaching equality between men and women and I was wondering whether you could elaborate on that.
RW
Hi RW,
Thanks for your email. The piece you refer to is an old essay of mine for a philosophy paper at Massey University called Sex, Gender and Religion. Unfortunately we have word limits on the essays and I couldn't make space to elaborate on the teachings of Jesus in regards to women, my focus being on women's place in Christian communities in the time after his death. I believe this is the section that could have been expanded:
"Certainly the retention in early Biblical texts of such accounts as these, and of Jesus praising women for putting spiritual growth and learning ahead of domestic responsibilities (thus rejecting the equation of a woman with her domestic, sexual and reproductive roles) demonstrates the early Christian community’s awareness of the centrality of the message of equality in Jesus’ teachings (Swidler, 1971:182-183)."
The papers by Brown (1988), Heine (1986) and Swidler (1971), which I cite at the bottom of the essay, were particularly helpful, Leonard Swidler (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Swidler) goes into some detail about the messages about women's place in society that were central in the teachings of Jesus. He makes particular note of the gospel story of Mary and her sister Martha, how Martha busied herself with household chores - fulfilling her 'womanly' duties - while Mary sat at the feet of Jesus eager to learn. Sure, it was religious education, but there really wasn't any other sort in Israel at the time. The point being, Mary is praised, and Martha criticised. The message of the story can be interpreted as being that spiritual growth and education supersede social roles.
Another account in the gospels (Mark 5:24-34, Luke 8:43-48, Matthew 9:20-22) is of Jesus being touched by an 'unclean' woman, that is, a woman who was ritually unclean due to her hemorrhaging or prolonged menstruation. An 'unclean' woman was subject to all sorts of social restrictions, about the company she could keep, where she could go in public and so forth, to say nothing of the social stigma, and this woman, with her perpetual 'uncleanness', had suffered more than most. She hoped for healing, and by touching Jesus she had broken the laws regarding ritual cleanliness and had made him 'unclean' also. But Jesus did not rebuke her for this, he said that her faith had made her well, demonstrating explicitly that faith, or spiritual cleanliness, was more important than ritual cleanliness, and implicitly stating that a woman's menstruation was not valid reason to exclude her from social or religious life. again, the message is couched in religious tems, but the message is clear that there should be no barriers to participation in social and religious life, which for the Jews of the time were one and the same.
Again and again throughout the gospel accounts of Jesus' ministry we find him aligning himself with the poor, the 'unclean,' the outcasts, whether Samaritans (a race whom the Jews particularly despised), Gentiles, (who the Jews regarded as heathens and hated for their occupation of Israel), beggars, tax collectors (seen as blights on society), the lame and blind and those afflicted with leprosy (all of which made a person 'unclean' and unfit for participation in social/religious life) and women, the most systematically excluded and restricted underclass in that society. The central message of Jesus was therefore one of equality for all -- a profoundly social message that sadly is often overlooked in contemporary Christian teaching.
I'll leave it at that, but again, thank you for your interest, and please feel free to email back or post comments on the blog - I love feedback :)
Danny
I sent an email to the address mentioned on your profile page then I saw this email addy so I'm guessing this is the right one.
I read this: http://liminald.blogspot.com/2009/05/role-of-women-in-early-christianity.html
and I don't agree with the conclusion, I don't see any evidence for jesus preaching equality between men and women and I was wondering whether you could elaborate on that.
RW
Hi RW,
Thanks for your email. The piece you refer to is an old essay of mine for a philosophy paper at Massey University called Sex, Gender and Religion. Unfortunately we have word limits on the essays and I couldn't make space to elaborate on the teachings of Jesus in regards to women, my focus being on women's place in Christian communities in the time after his death. I believe this is the section that could have been expanded:
"Certainly the retention in early Biblical texts of such accounts as these, and of Jesus praising women for putting spiritual growth and learning ahead of domestic responsibilities (thus rejecting the equation of a woman with her domestic, sexual and reproductive roles) demonstrates the early Christian community’s awareness of the centrality of the message of equality in Jesus’ teachings (Swidler, 1971:182-183)."
The papers by Brown (1988), Heine (1986) and Swidler (1971), which I cite at the bottom of the essay, were particularly helpful, Leonard Swidler (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Swidler) goes into some detail about the messages about women's place in society that were central in the teachings of Jesus. He makes particular note of the gospel story of Mary and her sister Martha, how Martha busied herself with household chores - fulfilling her 'womanly' duties - while Mary sat at the feet of Jesus eager to learn. Sure, it was religious education, but there really wasn't any other sort in Israel at the time. The point being, Mary is praised, and Martha criticised. The message of the story can be interpreted as being that spiritual growth and education supersede social roles.
Another account in the gospels (Mark 5:24-34, Luke 8:43-48, Matthew 9:20-22) is of Jesus being touched by an 'unclean' woman, that is, a woman who was ritually unclean due to her hemorrhaging or prolonged menstruation. An 'unclean' woman was subject to all sorts of social restrictions, about the company she could keep, where she could go in public and so forth, to say nothing of the social stigma, and this woman, with her perpetual 'uncleanness', had suffered more than most. She hoped for healing, and by touching Jesus she had broken the laws regarding ritual cleanliness and had made him 'unclean' also. But Jesus did not rebuke her for this, he said that her faith had made her well, demonstrating explicitly that faith, or spiritual cleanliness, was more important than ritual cleanliness, and implicitly stating that a woman's menstruation was not valid reason to exclude her from social or religious life. again, the message is couched in religious tems, but the message is clear that there should be no barriers to participation in social and religious life, which for the Jews of the time were one and the same.
Again and again throughout the gospel accounts of Jesus' ministry we find him aligning himself with the poor, the 'unclean,' the outcasts, whether Samaritans (a race whom the Jews particularly despised), Gentiles, (who the Jews regarded as heathens and hated for their occupation of Israel), beggars, tax collectors (seen as blights on society), the lame and blind and those afflicted with leprosy (all of which made a person 'unclean' and unfit for participation in social/religious life) and women, the most systematically excluded and restricted underclass in that society. The central message of Jesus was therefore one of equality for all -- a profoundly social message that sadly is often overlooked in contemporary Christian teaching.
I'll leave it at that, but again, thank you for your interest, and please feel free to email back or post comments on the blog - I love feedback :)
Danny
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
God's Plan doesn't extend to Health Care
Norm: Does God answer your prayers?
Chris: Yes, of course. I have a strong personal relationship with God. I pray to him many times each day. Jesus hears my prayers and, through his grace and the grace of the Holy Spirit, my prayers are answered. I am blessed every day by God.
Norm: So if you prayed to Jesus for something, would he answer your prayer?
Chris: Yes. Of course. Jesus promises in the Bible that he answers prayers. We see prayers being answered constantly.
Norm: Why pay for health insurance if you can pray and God will cure you? Why do people need doctors, prescriptions and hospitals?
Chris: Sometimes it is not God's will to answer prayers.
Norm: But in John 14:14, Jesus says, "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it." James 5:15 says, "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well." Why would God ignore your prayers?
Chris: God is not some Santa in the sky. He does not answer prayers like that.
Norm: Didn't you just say that God answers prayers? In the Bible, doesn't Jesus promise to answer prayers?
Chris: God does answer prayers. I can show you millions of examples of God answering prayers. I have 20 books on my shelf at home filled with answered prayers.
Norm: Then why do you need health insurance?
Chris: Because, sometimes, it is not God's will to answer a prayer.
Norm: Why do you say that? "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well" is completely unambiguous. But when you pray for a cure, in a lot of cases nothing happens. Doesn't that mean that Jesus is lying?
Chris: No. Jesus is perfect so Jesus cannot lie. When God does not answer a prayer, it is not part of his plan.
Norm: So you go to the doctor anyway?
Chris: Yes. Of course I do.
Norm: Aren't you defying God's will? Aren't you ruining God's plan?
Chris: No. God does not intend for me to be sick.
Norm: Then why doesn't God answer your prayers and cure you himself?
Chris: There is no way that we can understand the mysteries of our Lord.
*Reprinted from the brilliant website, Why Won't God Heal Amputees?
Chris: Yes, of course. I have a strong personal relationship with God. I pray to him many times each day. Jesus hears my prayers and, through his grace and the grace of the Holy Spirit, my prayers are answered. I am blessed every day by God.
Norm: So if you prayed to Jesus for something, would he answer your prayer?
Chris: Yes. Of course. Jesus promises in the Bible that he answers prayers. We see prayers being answered constantly.
Norm: Why pay for health insurance if you can pray and God will cure you? Why do people need doctors, prescriptions and hospitals?
Chris: Sometimes it is not God's will to answer prayers.
Norm: But in John 14:14, Jesus says, "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it." James 5:15 says, "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well." Why would God ignore your prayers?
Chris: God is not some Santa in the sky. He does not answer prayers like that.
Norm: Didn't you just say that God answers prayers? In the Bible, doesn't Jesus promise to answer prayers?
Chris: God does answer prayers. I can show you millions of examples of God answering prayers. I have 20 books on my shelf at home filled with answered prayers.
Norm: Then why do you need health insurance?
Chris: Because, sometimes, it is not God's will to answer a prayer.
Norm: Why do you say that? "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well" is completely unambiguous. But when you pray for a cure, in a lot of cases nothing happens. Doesn't that mean that Jesus is lying?
Chris: No. Jesus is perfect so Jesus cannot lie. When God does not answer a prayer, it is not part of his plan.
Norm: So you go to the doctor anyway?
Chris: Yes. Of course I do.
Norm: Aren't you defying God's will? Aren't you ruining God's plan?
Chris: No. God does not intend for me to be sick.
Norm: Then why doesn't God answer your prayers and cure you himself?
Chris: There is no way that we can understand the mysteries of our Lord.
*Reprinted from the brilliant website, Why Won't God Heal Amputees?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Baloney Detection Kit
Pilfered, with much love and respect, from http://www.thegayatheist.com/2009/06/baloney-detection-kit-how-to-be-good.html
Monday, November 17, 2008
November 17 2008
Seven years.
I've been a self-admitted out homo for seven years today. And right now, I don't see anything to celebrate in that.
Being honest with myself and others - that was what it was all about. I believed so strongly that truth was the most important thing in life, that honesty was a force to be reckoned with. I thought I would change what 'gay' meant in New Zealand, I would reconcile homosexuality with faith and spirituality. I would prove that it was possible to be both Christian and gay. I guess I was hoping to change Christianity too.
But I couldn't do it, could I? Trying to make sense of the Bible's stance on homosexuality, I could come to no other conclusion but that the Biblical writers didn't know what they were talking about, and that actually, the truth wasn't really so hard to see. The Biblical writers were just bigots, pure and simple.
It didn't stop there though. I found I could not be selective about what I took from the Bible, it was either all inspired or none of it was. I discarded Christianity, and it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I felt robbed of the world I had invested so much of my life in, my whole purpose and meaning. I guess I've been grieving ever since.
Certainly no 'family,' bological or otherwise, has lived up to the love and community I experienced with the Church of Christ. With my spirituality in tatters, I threw myself into the gay community, hoping to find the same sense of belonging. I didn't find it - I was largely ignored because I was neither rich enough or pretty enough.
But I didn't give up on the gay community, again, I sought to reform, to guide, to support and encourage. I became deeply involved in caring for and protecting queer people - I joined the Wellington Gay Helpline, helped with the Newcomers' support group for gay men, campaigned for gay rights with the Civil Union Bill and wrote to newspapers, even contributing regular articles for Deviant, the weekly gay page in the Massey Student newspaper.
Maybe I got so involved in supporting the queer community because I myself was in need of that support. I always seem to be outside the norm, even within the queer community. My committment to honesty has seen me try to find responsible alternatives to the world of nominal monogamy, first looking at open relationships, then polyamory. I've renamed my sexual and gender identity to have more integrity with who I am, from gay to bisexual to queer, and now genderqueer or possibly even transgender. And it seems that my committment to honesty and integrity actually hurts me more than it helps.
I'm lonely. I am so overwhelmingly, desperately lonley that I spent last night, before this anniversary, contemplating suicide, and actually seeking advice on how to go about it. This isn't a new thing either, most of this year I've felt completely alone, utterly hopeless. What good is polyamory if nobody will love you in return? Why be open about your capacity to love multiple people if not even one person will hold your hand?
And this is the great irony of my life. I've constructed my whole abult life around promoting love and letting people be sexual in whatever way is most true for them, and yet I personally hate my romantic and sexual impulses. I want to mutilate my genitals more than what my parents already have by circumcising me, I want to tear at and scar my body to hide the physical scars left by my ambivalence toward food ands exercise, to hide my ugliness. I want to take apill to forever erase my passions, but more tah that I just want to leave the world I can never be part of - I want to just die.
Because this is me, I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If I can't love you, and that person, and that one, then I want to love no one. If nobody wants to have sex with me, I want to be completely invisible and blind, so that I see no one and no one sees me. I either can't stop eating or I don't eat at all.
Why am I talking about this? Why haven't I just swallowed a bottle of bleach or slit my wrists?
Because that's also who I am - I'm scared. I'm not scared of what's on the Other Side, because I no longer believe there is one. Death is just a blessed release, the end, the light going out. But I'm scared of getting it wrong, of failing and ending up crippled or incarcerated. I'm scared of the pain. I wish someone would do this with me, or for me.
I await oblivion.
I've been a self-admitted out homo for seven years today. And right now, I don't see anything to celebrate in that.
Being honest with myself and others - that was what it was all about. I believed so strongly that truth was the most important thing in life, that honesty was a force to be reckoned with. I thought I would change what 'gay' meant in New Zealand, I would reconcile homosexuality with faith and spirituality. I would prove that it was possible to be both Christian and gay. I guess I was hoping to change Christianity too.
But I couldn't do it, could I? Trying to make sense of the Bible's stance on homosexuality, I could come to no other conclusion but that the Biblical writers didn't know what they were talking about, and that actually, the truth wasn't really so hard to see. The Biblical writers were just bigots, pure and simple.
It didn't stop there though. I found I could not be selective about what I took from the Bible, it was either all inspired or none of it was. I discarded Christianity, and it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I felt robbed of the world I had invested so much of my life in, my whole purpose and meaning. I guess I've been grieving ever since.
Certainly no 'family,' bological or otherwise, has lived up to the love and community I experienced with the Church of Christ. With my spirituality in tatters, I threw myself into the gay community, hoping to find the same sense of belonging. I didn't find it - I was largely ignored because I was neither rich enough or pretty enough.
But I didn't give up on the gay community, again, I sought to reform, to guide, to support and encourage. I became deeply involved in caring for and protecting queer people - I joined the Wellington Gay Helpline, helped with the Newcomers' support group for gay men, campaigned for gay rights with the Civil Union Bill and wrote to newspapers, even contributing regular articles for Deviant, the weekly gay page in the Massey Student newspaper.
Maybe I got so involved in supporting the queer community because I myself was in need of that support. I always seem to be outside the norm, even within the queer community. My committment to honesty has seen me try to find responsible alternatives to the world of nominal monogamy, first looking at open relationships, then polyamory. I've renamed my sexual and gender identity to have more integrity with who I am, from gay to bisexual to queer, and now genderqueer or possibly even transgender. And it seems that my committment to honesty and integrity actually hurts me more than it helps.
I'm lonely. I am so overwhelmingly, desperately lonley that I spent last night, before this anniversary, contemplating suicide, and actually seeking advice on how to go about it. This isn't a new thing either, most of this year I've felt completely alone, utterly hopeless. What good is polyamory if nobody will love you in return? Why be open about your capacity to love multiple people if not even one person will hold your hand?
And this is the great irony of my life. I've constructed my whole abult life around promoting love and letting people be sexual in whatever way is most true for them, and yet I personally hate my romantic and sexual impulses. I want to mutilate my genitals more than what my parents already have by circumcising me, I want to tear at and scar my body to hide the physical scars left by my ambivalence toward food ands exercise, to hide my ugliness. I want to take apill to forever erase my passions, but more tah that I just want to leave the world I can never be part of - I want to just die.
Because this is me, I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If I can't love you, and that person, and that one, then I want to love no one. If nobody wants to have sex with me, I want to be completely invisible and blind, so that I see no one and no one sees me. I either can't stop eating or I don't eat at all.
Why am I talking about this? Why haven't I just swallowed a bottle of bleach or slit my wrists?
Because that's also who I am - I'm scared. I'm not scared of what's on the Other Side, because I no longer believe there is one. Death is just a blessed release, the end, the light going out. But I'm scared of getting it wrong, of failing and ending up crippled or incarcerated. I'm scared of the pain. I wish someone would do this with me, or for me.
I await oblivion.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Nihilism -- CHAFF 2008
I found a quote on the net somewhere that said nihilism is where you go when you can’t find anything to believe in.
According to Wikipedia it’s “the view that the world, and especially human existence, is without meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, or essential value.” It’s often defined as belief in nothing, but from what I’ve read that’s not entirely true... we should say faith in nothing to be more accurate. Faith is a firm belief in something where there isn’t or can’t be any supporting evidence. Nihilists see faith as dangerous because when we’re relying on faith we aren’t using our faculties of common sense, reason and critical analysis. According to Nietzsche (you know him – the “God is dead” guy – life of the party), faith is simply “not wanting to know.”
Not wanting to know? Crazy, right? Well, yeah. But understandable maybe. Who wants to know anyway?? It’s a big scary world out there, it’s hard to understand sometimes, so of course most of us would rather just accept on faith whatever sounds like a fair explanation. It gets exhausting asking questions all the time and never having any certainty, and realistically, nobody’s going to be able to think through absolutely EVERY issue and read EVERY book. Especially in the modern Western nations. I’m not really surprised that in the most technologically advanced and modernized societies, like the USA, Australia and New Zealand, so many people believe in a cosmic zombie who communicates with them each individually by means of telepathy... our lives are a lot more sped up and full of stress and hassle in comparison to the rest of the world. We just don’t have the time to think things through.
Sometimes I think that if any of us could see how complicated the world really is it would be enough to drive us mad. But what the nihilists are getting at is that though it’s comforting to just think we know the answers without having to ask the questions, we’re fooling ourselves, and making things worse for ourselves and others in doing so. How? Well, let’s just pull a random example out of our collective arse, shall we? AIDS is killing thousands of people every day, and causes immeasurable human suffering, all around the world but especially in poorest nations. People get AIDS by becoming infected with HIV, most often through transmission of sexual fluids, and this can be prevented by using condoms during sex. There’s more to it than that, but that’s good enough for our purposes. We could fix the problem and alleviate a lot of the suffering if people wore the damn condoms, but faith has stuck its beak in and convinced a whole lot of those people that the father of the aforementioned cosmic zombie, who lives up in the sky and watches everything they do (the dirty perve) will throw them in a lake of fire to burn forever if they wear condoms when they fuck. And other well-meaning faithful people, mindful of the imperilled souls of those people in the populations where HIV is rampant, are kindly puncturing the condom packets before the poor sods even get them, just to be sure that no latex stands between souls and salvation. Faith makes us do dumb things, so nihilism begins to look like an attractive alternative. It’s the rejection of any belief that relies on faith, whether religious or secular.
Another defining characteristic of nihilism is the rejection of the idea that things have a final purpose. Nihilists believe everything is random, that there is no preordained final destination or revelation. In other words, you’re not going to heaven. It doesn’t exist and what’s more, it’s pointless to live your life in some sort of preparation for it. So go on, masturbate, get drunk, call your mother a herpes-riddled crack-whore... it doesn’t matter. You won’t get punished for it in the hereafter (though your mum might burn all your stuff and kick you out on the street). In a nutshell, nihilists reject the teleological arguments offered by most religions. Teleology is the idea that the universe functions a bit like a machine according to some sort of god-given plan or design, and it’s not restricted to the world of religion either. A common, almost sacred belief among people in the secular West is that you and your significant other were ‘made for each other,’ or if you haven’t got one at the moment, that she or he is out there somewhere waiting for you, that it’s ‘meant to be.’ Well the nihilists have got news for you... there was nothing inevitable about you finding that one particular person, there was no plan, no destiny, it was all just chance, and you only think it’s something magical and special because it feels nice, but you fail to see that you probably would have felt the same about almost anyone else. They might remind you ever so politely (or more likely, somewhat sharply) that everyone else is feeling something pretty similar for their own special-someone, you’re just too blind to see it, so shut the fuck up. Nihilists also reject Marxism, Buddhism, and any other set of beliefs that rely on teleology. There is no destiny, there can be no progress.
Nihilism is virtually synonymous with scepticism. There are two main branches: social or existential nihilism, and political nihilism. Let’s start with the existential variety. It’s passive, influenced by eastern philosophy and mysticism, and concerns itself primarily with isolation, human suffering and the futility and hopelessness of existence. It’s bloody depressing. Most people, when you mention nihilism, will think this is what you mean. In the face of all the meaninglessness and randomness, the only coping mechanism is detachment – just stop giving a shit. Don’t do anything for anyone, don’t bother with worthy causes, just don’t care, because ultimately it’s a waste of time.
Now, don’t confuse existential nihilism with depression, though that certainly follows on from it a lot of the time. Personally I’m inclined toward depression when I’m feeling worthless. When I ask someone out or let them know I’m interested and they say “Fuck no, I need space, I’m not ready for a relationship just now, you’re sweet and everything, let’s just be friends, STOP STALKING ME!!!”, I usually take it to me mean that I’m not tall enough, attractive enough, smart enough etc, and I inevitably begin saying to myself: “What’s the point in trying anyway, I may as well stay in my room, give up my hopes and get used to being by myself.” But kids, that’s not quite full blown existential nihilism, because I’m not saying that there’s no point in anyone trying to get laid, only that there’s no point in me trying. Important difference. Even at my most whiny and self-loathing, I would still agree that most people can and should try to find happiness in the whole love and romance thingy.
Political nihilism, the other main branch of nihilism, is active, revolutionary and at once destructive and creative. It’s about social structures and authority. Political nihilism states that things are in such a bad state that the only real option left to us is to smash them up, and whether or not we can rebuild we will at least have done some good. Being a political nihilist is about being in the here and now... rejecting all religious and philosophical debate and all the metaphysical circular reasoning that it ultimately leads to. It’s about challenging all the assumptions we base our values on, even equality and justice. There’s no future goal that we’re aiming for, no reformed society that’s more tolerant or diverse or equitable or prosperous, or at least no goal that’s more important than the present. It’s about realising there’s no life but this one, and making the most of it. It’s about taking responsibility..... if there’s no higher power then your success or failure is up to you, and you alone. Another nihilism quote I found sums it up nicely... “Each human life has the potential, but unless one strives to be a god, they are only a worm.” We can do anything... it’s up to us whether we repeat the patterns of our forbears, killing and subjugating each other for material gain and dominance and letting our masters profit at our expense, or whether we control our lives and reap the benefits for ourselves.
It’s true that nihilism, like anarchism, is usually equated with violence and terrorism, and there’s certainly historical justification. Nihilists generally reckon that violence is not inherent in their philosophies, but I’m inclined to think that if nihilism is your philosophy you’re more likely to be aggressive. Nihilists say there is nothing above man, there is no objective moral, ethical reality, but is that really the case? The argument can be made that we carry our moral absolutes with us, encoded into our brains. I think it’s genetic, we’ve survived as a species because we know instinctively how to interact with each other. We’re a social species, we have survived because we can cooperate, and we know, each of us, how to do this, how to avoid conflict. Something in our brains, other than fear of repercussions, tells us a behaviour is wrong. Why else, for instance, would all these religions around the world have come up with such basic moral tenets as don’t kill each other? Don’t torture people for fun?? And remember to put the trash out???
Just because there’s no ultimate point to anything, and even though nothing I actually accomplish is going to last forever, that doesn’t mean there’s no sense in doing it anyway, does it? In fact, doesn’t that make human endeavour a more precious and amazing thing? Think about it, out of all the randomness, out of all the meaninglessness, we are able to create something that has meaning for ourselves and others. That meaning might be quite arbitrary, we each might see the same thing quite differently, but isn’t that kind of beautiful in itself? There might not be any reason, in the big scheme of things, for me to get out there and make a noise about discrimination, pollution or the suffering of others, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. It will mean something to me, I’ll be taking control, making something out of the nothingness, making the world what I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, someone else will see the world the way I do.
And that’s meaning enough for me.
Danny Rudd
According to Wikipedia it’s “the view that the world, and especially human existence, is without meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, or essential value.” It’s often defined as belief in nothing, but from what I’ve read that’s not entirely true... we should say faith in nothing to be more accurate. Faith is a firm belief in something where there isn’t or can’t be any supporting evidence. Nihilists see faith as dangerous because when we’re relying on faith we aren’t using our faculties of common sense, reason and critical analysis. According to Nietzsche (you know him – the “God is dead” guy – life of the party), faith is simply “not wanting to know.”
Not wanting to know? Crazy, right? Well, yeah. But understandable maybe. Who wants to know anyway?? It’s a big scary world out there, it’s hard to understand sometimes, so of course most of us would rather just accept on faith whatever sounds like a fair explanation. It gets exhausting asking questions all the time and never having any certainty, and realistically, nobody’s going to be able to think through absolutely EVERY issue and read EVERY book. Especially in the modern Western nations. I’m not really surprised that in the most technologically advanced and modernized societies, like the USA, Australia and New Zealand, so many people believe in a cosmic zombie who communicates with them each individually by means of telepathy... our lives are a lot more sped up and full of stress and hassle in comparison to the rest of the world. We just don’t have the time to think things through.
Sometimes I think that if any of us could see how complicated the world really is it would be enough to drive us mad. But what the nihilists are getting at is that though it’s comforting to just think we know the answers without having to ask the questions, we’re fooling ourselves, and making things worse for ourselves and others in doing so. How? Well, let’s just pull a random example out of our collective arse, shall we? AIDS is killing thousands of people every day, and causes immeasurable human suffering, all around the world but especially in poorest nations. People get AIDS by becoming infected with HIV, most often through transmission of sexual fluids, and this can be prevented by using condoms during sex. There’s more to it than that, but that’s good enough for our purposes. We could fix the problem and alleviate a lot of the suffering if people wore the damn condoms, but faith has stuck its beak in and convinced a whole lot of those people that the father of the aforementioned cosmic zombie, who lives up in the sky and watches everything they do (the dirty perve) will throw them in a lake of fire to burn forever if they wear condoms when they fuck. And other well-meaning faithful people, mindful of the imperilled souls of those people in the populations where HIV is rampant, are kindly puncturing the condom packets before the poor sods even get them, just to be sure that no latex stands between souls and salvation. Faith makes us do dumb things, so nihilism begins to look like an attractive alternative. It’s the rejection of any belief that relies on faith, whether religious or secular.
Another defining characteristic of nihilism is the rejection of the idea that things have a final purpose. Nihilists believe everything is random, that there is no preordained final destination or revelation. In other words, you’re not going to heaven. It doesn’t exist and what’s more, it’s pointless to live your life in some sort of preparation for it. So go on, masturbate, get drunk, call your mother a herpes-riddled crack-whore... it doesn’t matter. You won’t get punished for it in the hereafter (though your mum might burn all your stuff and kick you out on the street). In a nutshell, nihilists reject the teleological arguments offered by most religions. Teleology is the idea that the universe functions a bit like a machine according to some sort of god-given plan or design, and it’s not restricted to the world of religion either. A common, almost sacred belief among people in the secular West is that you and your significant other were ‘made for each other,’ or if you haven’t got one at the moment, that she or he is out there somewhere waiting for you, that it’s ‘meant to be.’ Well the nihilists have got news for you... there was nothing inevitable about you finding that one particular person, there was no plan, no destiny, it was all just chance, and you only think it’s something magical and special because it feels nice, but you fail to see that you probably would have felt the same about almost anyone else. They might remind you ever so politely (or more likely, somewhat sharply) that everyone else is feeling something pretty similar for their own special-someone, you’re just too blind to see it, so shut the fuck up. Nihilists also reject Marxism, Buddhism, and any other set of beliefs that rely on teleology. There is no destiny, there can be no progress.
Nihilism is virtually synonymous with scepticism. There are two main branches: social or existential nihilism, and political nihilism. Let’s start with the existential variety. It’s passive, influenced by eastern philosophy and mysticism, and concerns itself primarily with isolation, human suffering and the futility and hopelessness of existence. It’s bloody depressing. Most people, when you mention nihilism, will think this is what you mean. In the face of all the meaninglessness and randomness, the only coping mechanism is detachment – just stop giving a shit. Don’t do anything for anyone, don’t bother with worthy causes, just don’t care, because ultimately it’s a waste of time.
Now, don’t confuse existential nihilism with depression, though that certainly follows on from it a lot of the time. Personally I’m inclined toward depression when I’m feeling worthless. When I ask someone out or let them know I’m interested and they say “Fuck no, I need space, I’m not ready for a relationship just now, you’re sweet and everything, let’s just be friends, STOP STALKING ME!!!”, I usually take it to me mean that I’m not tall enough, attractive enough, smart enough etc, and I inevitably begin saying to myself: “What’s the point in trying anyway, I may as well stay in my room, give up my hopes and get used to being by myself.” But kids, that’s not quite full blown existential nihilism, because I’m not saying that there’s no point in anyone trying to get laid, only that there’s no point in me trying. Important difference. Even at my most whiny and self-loathing, I would still agree that most people can and should try to find happiness in the whole love and romance thingy.
Political nihilism, the other main branch of nihilism, is active, revolutionary and at once destructive and creative. It’s about social structures and authority. Political nihilism states that things are in such a bad state that the only real option left to us is to smash them up, and whether or not we can rebuild we will at least have done some good. Being a political nihilist is about being in the here and now... rejecting all religious and philosophical debate and all the metaphysical circular reasoning that it ultimately leads to. It’s about challenging all the assumptions we base our values on, even equality and justice. There’s no future goal that we’re aiming for, no reformed society that’s more tolerant or diverse or equitable or prosperous, or at least no goal that’s more important than the present. It’s about realising there’s no life but this one, and making the most of it. It’s about taking responsibility..... if there’s no higher power then your success or failure is up to you, and you alone. Another nihilism quote I found sums it up nicely... “Each human life has the potential, but unless one strives to be a god, they are only a worm.” We can do anything... it’s up to us whether we repeat the patterns of our forbears, killing and subjugating each other for material gain and dominance and letting our masters profit at our expense, or whether we control our lives and reap the benefits for ourselves.
It’s true that nihilism, like anarchism, is usually equated with violence and terrorism, and there’s certainly historical justification. Nihilists generally reckon that violence is not inherent in their philosophies, but I’m inclined to think that if nihilism is your philosophy you’re more likely to be aggressive. Nihilists say there is nothing above man, there is no objective moral, ethical reality, but is that really the case? The argument can be made that we carry our moral absolutes with us, encoded into our brains. I think it’s genetic, we’ve survived as a species because we know instinctively how to interact with each other. We’re a social species, we have survived because we can cooperate, and we know, each of us, how to do this, how to avoid conflict. Something in our brains, other than fear of repercussions, tells us a behaviour is wrong. Why else, for instance, would all these religions around the world have come up with such basic moral tenets as don’t kill each other? Don’t torture people for fun?? And remember to put the trash out???
Just because there’s no ultimate point to anything, and even though nothing I actually accomplish is going to last forever, that doesn’t mean there’s no sense in doing it anyway, does it? In fact, doesn’t that make human endeavour a more precious and amazing thing? Think about it, out of all the randomness, out of all the meaninglessness, we are able to create something that has meaning for ourselves and others. That meaning might be quite arbitrary, we each might see the same thing quite differently, but isn’t that kind of beautiful in itself? There might not be any reason, in the big scheme of things, for me to get out there and make a noise about discrimination, pollution or the suffering of others, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. It will mean something to me, I’ll be taking control, making something out of the nothingness, making the world what I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, someone else will see the world the way I do.
And that’s meaning enough for me.
Danny Rudd
Friday, April 18, 2008
TAGGED!!
First, post the rules:
- Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
- Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules.
- At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names.
- Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
1) The first girl I ever fell head over heels for was the biggest bitch I have ever known. She was stunning, her hair was straight and snow-white blonde (not from a bottle, either), it fell to her waist (she never wore it up) and it bounced and swayed as she walked. She was a dancer, so she moved gracefully and was incredibly slim. She was taller than me, and she had freckles across her nose. Her name was Charity, which was kind of ironic, really, because she was unrelenting in her cruelty. Not that she ever swore at me or anything like that, no she was always smiling, and her voice was like honey. Her evil power was in her unerring ability to detect what people were most insecure about and draw attention to it in front of everyone, again and again, smiling sweetly as she did so. She humiliated me all through my teenage years, by saying things like "What on earth possessed you to wear that, sweetie?" and laughing gently at my stature and... other physical attributes... in front of her friends. And I was so smitten that I stumbled over myself trying not to look silly, and making more of a laughing stock of myself in the process.
2) The last time my dad came to visit me in Wellington (a few years back now) I heard him knock at the door and immediately hid under my bed where he wouldn't see me if he looked through the window. I stayed there for nearly three hours, listening to him banging on the door and swearing, hearing him walk around the house and look in through all the windows. Why didn't I just let him in? Because he annoys the hell out of me, showing up unannounced, talking about me to my flatmates as if I wasn't there, saying what he thinks is 'wrong with' me, insulting his hosts and saying every racist, homophobic, chauvanist thing that comes into his Christ-polluted head. Don't get me wrong, he's not saying these things like an ordinary Christian would... he's ANGRY when he says them, and when he gets angry he scares me half-to-death. Ordinary Christians would be horrified, I think, to hear him talking. And he's a minister. Go figure.
3) I cannot save money for the life of me. It's not even that I spend it on stuff, when I look at my bank statement it all seems to have gone on food, rent, power etc. But there's never any left over, and it doesn't matter how much I'm getting on a weekly basis. I think I eat too much.
4) I often fall asleep fantasizing about not waking up, wondering who would find me, what they would find, how they would go about packing up my stuff and distributing it among my family and friends or disposing of it. I wonder if anyone knows me well enough to work out what sort of commemmoration or service I'd want, and who would show up.
5) I had a secret world as a kid, more in my head than anywhere in my real life exactly. It was modelled on a quiet inner-city park I'd found one time when my mum had taken my little brother and me to visit my aunt Thelma and her husband Roy. It was over their back fence, and screened off on all sides by tall trees (I think they were poplars). In the middle of it was a fallen tree trunk, it was thick, hollow, and crawling with spiders and bugs, but I sat there on it enjoying the sunshine until I heard my mum calling for me an hour or so later. Aunt Thelma moved when Roy died, and I never found the place again, but it's still there in my head, I can picture it perfectly, and I escape there whenever I just want 'me' time.
6) I always wanted to be a writer... I still do. I have, under my bed, a good 300 pages of a couple of stories I've partly written. One of the main ways I waste time instead of doing my study is by typing what I've got so far. I think I'm very good at coming up with ideas, but quite poor at taking them to their conclusion, and so I guess I'll never write a book. I think it's because on some level I feel like it's not 'real work' and it would be selfish of me to pursue it.
7) I'm really ashamed of the fact that I did dance classes as a kid... ballet, tap, contemporary, jazz... and I got high marks in the exams. I absolutely hated it, but I loved being on stage, and I knew it made my mum proud so I kept up with it until I was fourteen and was just getting hassled too much by other kids my age. I got bullied a lot for it in primary school, so all through intermediate and high school I tried to hide the fact that I had done it, but it wasn't much good. I was getting called 'faggot' 'poof' and 'queer' before I even knew what the words meant. Retrospectively, I can't help but wonder if that has something to do with who I actually turned into.
8) I once pretended to have lost my wallet and driver's license at a party at someone's house, just so I could ask the guy who lived there to look for it and get back to me. He was one of the most attractive guys I've ever met, and of course I knew he was WAAAYY out of my league but it didn't stop me from obsessing over him for months.
9) I feel like I've lived enough, in that many different places, as that many different versions of me, that the one thing I want in all the world is rest, to not have to be anyone or anything, to not have to think or care or feel anything anymore. I'm feel exhausted, worn out, "thin, like butter spread over too much bread," to use Bilbo Baggins' expression.
10) If I could crawl inside a story, it would have to be 'The Last Continent' by Terry Pratchett, or in fact any of his Rincewind stories. I'd love to be just swept away in the insanity, it would be something new, vibrant and interesting. Rincewind's world conforms to no rules, nothing has to make sense, the only certainty being that you don't piss off The Luggage, or you get eaten. 'The Last Continent' is, I think, Pratchett's most ridiculous story, and it always makes me laugh my socks off.
- Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
- Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules.
- At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names.
- Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
1) The first girl I ever fell head over heels for was the biggest bitch I have ever known. She was stunning, her hair was straight and snow-white blonde (not from a bottle, either), it fell to her waist (she never wore it up) and it bounced and swayed as she walked. She was a dancer, so she moved gracefully and was incredibly slim. She was taller than me, and she had freckles across her nose. Her name was Charity, which was kind of ironic, really, because she was unrelenting in her cruelty. Not that she ever swore at me or anything like that, no she was always smiling, and her voice was like honey. Her evil power was in her unerring ability to detect what people were most insecure about and draw attention to it in front of everyone, again and again, smiling sweetly as she did so. She humiliated me all through my teenage years, by saying things like "What on earth possessed you to wear that, sweetie?" and laughing gently at my stature and... other physical attributes... in front of her friends. And I was so smitten that I stumbled over myself trying not to look silly, and making more of a laughing stock of myself in the process.
2) The last time my dad came to visit me in Wellington (a few years back now) I heard him knock at the door and immediately hid under my bed where he wouldn't see me if he looked through the window. I stayed there for nearly three hours, listening to him banging on the door and swearing, hearing him walk around the house and look in through all the windows. Why didn't I just let him in? Because he annoys the hell out of me, showing up unannounced, talking about me to my flatmates as if I wasn't there, saying what he thinks is 'wrong with' me, insulting his hosts and saying every racist, homophobic, chauvanist thing that comes into his Christ-polluted head. Don't get me wrong, he's not saying these things like an ordinary Christian would... he's ANGRY when he says them, and when he gets angry he scares me half-to-death. Ordinary Christians would be horrified, I think, to hear him talking. And he's a minister. Go figure.
3) I cannot save money for the life of me. It's not even that I spend it on stuff, when I look at my bank statement it all seems to have gone on food, rent, power etc. But there's never any left over, and it doesn't matter how much I'm getting on a weekly basis. I think I eat too much.
4) I often fall asleep fantasizing about not waking up, wondering who would find me, what they would find, how they would go about packing up my stuff and distributing it among my family and friends or disposing of it. I wonder if anyone knows me well enough to work out what sort of commemmoration or service I'd want, and who would show up.
5) I had a secret world as a kid, more in my head than anywhere in my real life exactly. It was modelled on a quiet inner-city park I'd found one time when my mum had taken my little brother and me to visit my aunt Thelma and her husband Roy. It was over their back fence, and screened off on all sides by tall trees (I think they were poplars). In the middle of it was a fallen tree trunk, it was thick, hollow, and crawling with spiders and bugs, but I sat there on it enjoying the sunshine until I heard my mum calling for me an hour or so later. Aunt Thelma moved when Roy died, and I never found the place again, but it's still there in my head, I can picture it perfectly, and I escape there whenever I just want 'me' time.
6) I always wanted to be a writer... I still do. I have, under my bed, a good 300 pages of a couple of stories I've partly written. One of the main ways I waste time instead of doing my study is by typing what I've got so far. I think I'm very good at coming up with ideas, but quite poor at taking them to their conclusion, and so I guess I'll never write a book. I think it's because on some level I feel like it's not 'real work' and it would be selfish of me to pursue it.
7) I'm really ashamed of the fact that I did dance classes as a kid... ballet, tap, contemporary, jazz... and I got high marks in the exams. I absolutely hated it, but I loved being on stage, and I knew it made my mum proud so I kept up with it until I was fourteen and was just getting hassled too much by other kids my age. I got bullied a lot for it in primary school, so all through intermediate and high school I tried to hide the fact that I had done it, but it wasn't much good. I was getting called 'faggot' 'poof' and 'queer' before I even knew what the words meant. Retrospectively, I can't help but wonder if that has something to do with who I actually turned into.
8) I once pretended to have lost my wallet and driver's license at a party at someone's house, just so I could ask the guy who lived there to look for it and get back to me. He was one of the most attractive guys I've ever met, and of course I knew he was WAAAYY out of my league but it didn't stop me from obsessing over him for months.
9) I feel like I've lived enough, in that many different places, as that many different versions of me, that the one thing I want in all the world is rest, to not have to be anyone or anything, to not have to think or care or feel anything anymore. I'm feel exhausted, worn out, "thin, like butter spread over too much bread," to use Bilbo Baggins' expression.
10) If I could crawl inside a story, it would have to be 'The Last Continent' by Terry Pratchett, or in fact any of his Rincewind stories. I'd love to be just swept away in the insanity, it would be something new, vibrant and interesting. Rincewind's world conforms to no rules, nothing has to make sense, the only certainty being that you don't piss off The Luggage, or you get eaten. 'The Last Continent' is, I think, Pratchett's most ridiculous story, and it always makes me laugh my socks off.
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Science vs Religion
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I guess I just care too much...