Who's the Queerest Of Them All? -- Deviant, Chaff 7 2009

It used to be that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people only made it into TV shows as freaks and perverts. We were stuck in the hell that is daytime and late-night talk-shows like Ricki Lake and Jerry Springer, put on display as immoral deviants, predators, home-wreckers. In other programming we were invisible except to be pitied, feared or laughed at. But something’s changed, these days you can’t turn on the TV without seeing a couple of token Queers (unless you’re a Star Trek fan – 40 years homo-free and counting!!). It’s even made it into Coronation Street. My god, my mum is avidly watching gay romance on The Street. But it’s not always a good thing. Just how are we being portrayed, and by which shows?? Of course I can’t cover everything here, but even a brief survey is revealing.

We do pretty well in comedy. Perhaps the best illustration of this new mainstream acceptance of gays and lesbians is the rising star of Ellen Degeneres. She made history with her show Ellen, when her character (and she herself in real-life) came out. Of course the show was axed not long after but she’s back with a talk-show that rivals Oprah in popularity, and she was even chosen to host the 79th Academy Awards in 2007. Seems everyone loves Ellen now. And let’s not forget Will & Grace, the first show in history to have a gay male lead. The show was popular from the outset, though probably more for stereotypically flamboyant and bitchy supporting characters Jack and Karen than for the title characters. It’s like the mainstream likes us best when we’re not just gay, but really gay. Will was played by a straight guy, too. Still, a big step towards equality.

AfterElton.com recently named Scrubs the “gayest show on television,” but I have to disagree, it doesn’t have any lesbian or gay characters, just the sexually ambiguous ‘The Todd’ and the ‘bromance’ between straight male leads Turk and JD. In my mind, Scrubs is outshone by the much gayer Ugly Betty, which has hot trannie chick Alex in one of the main emotional story-arcs, as well as Betty’s camp little nephew Justin, and the hilariously bitchy, obviously gay Marc. Then there’s The Sarah Silverman Program, featuring lazy, scruffy Brian and Steve, two sloppy, overweight Ginga stoners who sit at home playing computer games all day, showing that not all gays are prissy queens, that we can be just as ordinary and slovenly as anyone else.

Family Guy often shows main character Peter as a bit camp, and occasionally hints that evil baby Stewie is gay, but it’s all for giggles and neither is actually a homo according to show creators, so it’s another one where there’s no regular Queer character. The Simpsons is (a bit) better: closet homo Waylon Smithers has been a firm fixture in the cast from the show’s earliest days, Marge’s sister Patty came out as a lesbian and married her girlfriend, and the show once devoted an entire episode to the stupidity of ‘Homer’s Phobia’ toward obviously gay John (winning the show an Emmy), but after that episode John was never seen again.

I would argue that South Park is actually more gay-friendly than The Simpsons and Family Guy, despite its frequent use of the words ‘gay’ and ‘faggot’ as insults. Sure, it’s over-the-top, obnoxious and crude, but South Park is like that to everyone and everything, it’s an equal-opportunity mud-slinger, so it’s actually a more inclusive show than most. And it’s jam-packed with Queers. Cartman’s mother is a hermaphrodite. Saddam Hussein and Satan are lovers. Big Gay Al and Mister Slave get married, and the boys’ teacher Mr. Garrison becomes Ms. Garrison, experiments with lesbianism and switches back to being a man. Butters is sent to Bi-Curious camp to be ‘cured,’ and ends up showing that obsessing over other people’s sexuality actually causes them more confusion and harm than just leaving them alone. South Park rocks.

And of course British comedy has always been full of gay jokes, in fact I can’t think
of a single exception. Probably the gayest of the lot is Little Britain, for a start most of the women are actually men in drag, then there’s Daffyd, the ‘Only Gay In The Village,’ the Prime Minister’s love-sick aide Sebastian, a bickering divorced couple who are actually both gay, closet-homo and Minister of Parliament Norman Fry, and ‘Emily,’ she of the Victorian frocks and constant protests of “I’m a Lady!” All ridiculously stereotypical, but the show’s success has put Queer people firmly in the limelight.

So comedy’s crowded with Queers. Turning to action and sci-fi, though, we find a very different story. If you look at big syndicated shows like Lost, 24, Heroes, Stargate, and the like, you’ll find that LGBT people are either completely absent/invisible or, overwhelmingly, weak and/or evil. Take Lost. Here’s a show with a huge cast that ticks practically every demographic box, and yet there is not one gay, lesbian, transgendered or bisexual character. Or how about 24, where homosexuality either gets you killed or directly results in the U.S. being attacked by terrorists? In fact the only exception I can think of here is Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood, which has bisexual protagonist Captain Jack and pretty much everyone on the show snogging or screwing someone of the same gender at one point or another.

We do (somewhat) better in drama, in at least being visible. ER had a number of lesbian stories over the years but to no one’s great surprise they involved little actual romance or sexuality, and when they did it always ended in bitter disappointments and loneliness. Six Feet Under and Brothers and Sisters also feature gay people and their romantic and sexual lives but again these are shown to be dysfunctional and basically unfulfilling. Similarly, British soaps like Emmerdale and EastEnders have had gay characters for years, but of course they’re always miserable or shocking stories, because in drama and soap-land, no one gets to be happy for long. It’s kind of the whole point. For example, Coronation Street made young Todd’s homosexuality directly responsible for his girlfriend’s miscarriage. Coro’s kind of made up for it though with the first transsexual character in a British soap, Hayley, who is one of the show’s more likeable characters, and now uber-gay Sean, a regular character with a hunky boyfriend. So not all bad there.

Our own Shortland Street has featured gay characters and storylines since it’s beginning, but I’m sorry to say it hasn’t exactly painted a rosy picture. Gay males are inevitably screwed up and go out of their way to hurt people or are killed off pretty quickly. The girls don’t fare much better – they last longer, but it seems they always end up murdering somebody. And where are the transsexuals, the fa’afafine and takataapui people? Still, we do have Gerald, Shorty’s femmy asexual receptionist, and writers did make a brief attempt to play out the implications of this identity for his life and relationships. They could probably try harder though.

It’s nice to see more Queer people on the Telly, but it’s be nice to see more of them in serious lead roles that address their issues without getting too morbid, or that show them defeating the bad guy instead of being the bad guy. I guess for now I’ll just have to stick to animated shorts like Rick and Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple In The World, or watch Queer as Folk on dvd over and over. Or I could take up watching Coro with my mum.

DannyR

Write Your Own Damn Article!! -- CHAFF 4, 2009

With Semester One well underway and assignments starting to clamour for attention, we can all feel a little overwhelmed and stressed out. I know I am. So rather than actually putting time and effort into writing something witty, entertaining and educational, I have decided to throw the CHAFF to the wind, so to speak. Entertain and educate yourselves, Dammit!!

Don’t worry though, I’m not leaving you to figure it out all by yourselves, I’m not that heartless. Not yet, anyway. (Though if I see any more first-years playing on Bebo in lectures instead of listening or taking notes, I may just give up the will to live).

I’ve thrown together a couple of paragraphs (below) deleted words haphazardly, and compiled a random list with which YOU can fill in the gaps* Simply choose a word from the list (or come up with one of your own) and insert it into whichever space you think it fits best, and Voila!! you’ll have written your first CHAFF article. If you’re really proud of your masterpiece, drop it in the CHAFF letterbox and they’ll print it. Then you’ll be, like, FAMOUS.

So are you ready and eager, pen in hand?? Get cracking!!

THE ARTICLE:

You smile from behind the counter as the bell above the door rings and she _ _ _ _ _ _ into the _ _ _ _ , her golden _ _ _ _ swinging freely behind her as she moves. Watching as she makes her way around the room, selecting _ _ _ _ _ and putting them in her shopping basket, you wonder why you’ve never managed to pluck up the courage to ask her out to a _ _ _ _ _ or a _ _ _ _ some time. Every other day she comes in at about the same time, brings a few _ _ _ _ _ _ _ items to the counter, hands over the appropriate change with a smile, and disappears, leaving you feeling dazed and a little awkward.

Today is no different. She gets a carton of _ _ _ _ from the refrigerator, a small packet of lite _ _ _ _ _ _ from a shelf in the middle aisle and picks up a _ _ _ _ _ from the stand by the counter. She smiles as she drops them in front of you, and does that cute thing where she bites her bottom lip as she puts five _ _ _ _ _ _ _ into your hand. You can feel yourself turning crimson, terrified and excited like you always are when she’s standing there in front of you.

Just then two men in black _ _ _ _ _ _ _, wearing balaclavas, burst into the room shouting, pointing guns. You can’t understand what they’re saying, it’s all so loud and it’s happening so fast. One of them is pointing his _ _ _ _ _ _ at the girl with the golden hair, and she’s backing into a corner, her eyes wide with fright. The other one is yelling at you, and slowly, dumbly, you begin to understand. They want you to open your _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Remembering that you’re supposed to do what they say, you nod, look down, trying to remember how. You do this a hundred times a day, but it seems somehow strange and clumsy now.

That’s when your boss walks into the room from out the back. The guy pointing his _ _ _ _ _ _ at the girl with the golden hair spins around and starts _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, and then your boss is screaming, and then there’s a shot. Everyone _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

The two men in balaclavas run for it. The girl is standing in the corner _ _ _ _ _ _ _, and you can’t understand why – they’re gone. But you can’t see your boss. It takes you a second, but then you begin to understand. He’s _ _ the _ _ _ _.

The whole thing had taken less than a minute.

THE LIST:

storms, sidles, slinks, crawls, bounds,
lair, hole, jail; room, door,
fart, knee, pony, arse, pimp
fruit, clams, STD’s, beers, whips
dance, field, beach, party, match
orgy, club, film, rape, rave
knitted, helpful, naughty, special, rotting
porn, shit, beer, salt, hope
chains, slaves, undies, bosoms, knives
spoon, dwarf, bunny, dildo, rifle
kittens, plagues, beetles, verucas, flowers
panties, fedoras, condoms, pyjamas, leather
camera, granny, midget, bottom, nipple
sexy, dope, meat, bomb, crap
curtains, sneakers, cupboard, man-cave, trousers
camera, granny, midget, bottom, nipple,
proposing, ovulating, preaching, fidgeting, stripping
belches, cuddles, boogies, giggles, parties
quietly, texting, happily, cubicle, wanking
in, at, on, by
shark, blood, phone, kitty, turps


* If anyone’s interested in reading the original, it’s at the back of this issue.


Write Your Own Damn Article – The Original

You smile from behind the counter as the bell above the door rings and she floats into the shop, her golden hair swinging freely behind her as she moves. Watching as she makes her way around the room, selecting items and putting them in her shopping basket, you wonder why you’ve never managed to pluck up the courage to ask her out to a movie or a cafe some time. Every other day she comes in at about the same time, brings a few grocery items to the counter, hands over the appropriate change with a smile, and disappears, leaving you feeling dazed and a little awkward.

Today is no different. She gets a carton of milk from the refrigerator, a small packet of lite crisps from a shelf in the middle aisle and picks up a paper from the stand by the counter. She smiles as she drops them in front of you, and does that cute thing where she bites her bottom lip as she puts five dollars into your hand. You can feel yourself turning crimson, terrified and excited like you always are when she’s standing there in front of you.

Just then two men in black clothes, wearing balaclavas, burst into the room shouting, pointing guns. You can’t understand what they’re saying, it’s all so loud and it’s happening so fast. One of them is pointing his weapon at the girl with the golden hair, and she’s backing into a corner, her eyes wide with fright. The other one is yelling at you, and slowly, dumbly, you begin to understand. They want you to open your cash register. Remembering that you’re supposed to do what they say, you nod, look down, trying to remember how. You do this a hundred times a day, but it seems somehow strange and clumsy now.

That’s when your boss walks into the room from out the back. The guy pointing his gun at the girl with the golden hair spins around and starts screaming, and then your boss is screaming, and then there’s a shot. Everyone freezes.

The two men in balaclavas run for it. The girl is standing in the corner sobbing, and you can’t understand why – they’re gone. But you can’t see your boss. It takes you a second, but then you begin to understand. He’s on the floor.

The whole thing had taken less than a minute.

Danny Rudd

CHAFF Review -- The Unborn (or, Dead on Arrival)

Grade: D, or 3/10

Starring Odette Yustman, Cam Gigandet, Gary Oldman

I love a good horror flick. Sadly, they’re few and far between, and The Unborn is no exception.

Produced by Michael Bay of Transformers notoriety, and written by David S. Goyer, who was responsible for such brilliant scripts as Dark City and Batman Begins, this could have been an awesome movie. Not necessarily a smart one, but pretty freakin’ fantastic.

What’s it about? Well, in a nutshell, there’s this chick who sees dogs wearing masks, gets all upset and finds out she had a still-born dead twin that no one ever told her about. Said dead twin, it seems, is the vengeful spirit of a kid killed prematurely in WWII who had to get back into the world to fulfil its purpose, and who is now blaming his sister for his not being born and is out to torment her. Cue Jewish spiritual advisor, cue freaky exorcism. I thought it was all a bit convoluted in the theatre, and even now, I’m not entirely sure I got the gist.

The music was… bland. The lighting was… bland. The acting was… well, not entirely awful, but pretty mediocre overall. Odette Yustman, though WAAAY hot, has the emotional capacity of a can of cold tuna as Casey, the lead character. Cam Gigandet, the hunky vampire from Twilight, was here just the boring dependable boyfriend we’ve all seen in a thousand other horror flicks. Even the seriously awesome Mr Oldman, playing Casey’s rabbi, was a bit of a disappointment. This isn’t to say that these guys are bad actors, but the script doesn’t really give any of them the room to be interesting.

The whole thing is one cliché after another. This is how bad it is: I sat there counting the things I’d seen before in other, better horror movies… creepy child, doubting hot chick, obscure evil spirit, freakish stair-climb, tricycle, unexpected face in the mirror, etc etc etc. And then there are all the gaping plot holes. I think any film where you have time to sit there cataloguing plot deficiencies is, ultimately, a film not worth seeing. And boy, do you have time. The Unborn could have been half the length it is, and it might actually have been better. As it is, I found myself longing for the closing credits. Why didn’t I just walk out? Because I’m stingy. I paid my money, dammit, and if I’m going to be bored by a movie, I’m going to be bored witless.

I think you get the picture. DON’T go see this film. DON’T be tempted to part with your few remaining dollars when you walk past the cinema and see Odette Yustman’s enticing derriere staring out at you from the film’s poster. Just don’t.

- DannyR

Response to 'Sex With Aunty', Deviant 6, 2009

You're right, Aunty, cheating sux.

If you're the cheatER, you have a lot of guilt to live with, whether you're sprung or not or own up to it, and you have to expend all that effort covering up your tracks, losing sleep worrying and berating yourself. If you're the cheatEE, you can feel humiliated, rejected, inadequate, unloved and unlovable, and a whole host of other none-too-pleasant things. If you're the OTHER man/woman, you might feel anything from surprise or remorse to malicious glee at your involvement. Cheating is most definitely NOT cool.

However, I do feel that I have to take issue with your recent article on infidelity. For a start, I think you probably could have acknowledged that 'cheating' means very different things to different people. Some of my friends, for example, feel betrayed if their partner so much as notices that someboby else is attractive. Others of my friends have no qualms about their Significant Other getting a little intimate with a friend or stranger on the dancefloor, so long as that is where it ends. Still others have no objection if their partner beds someone else, though they usually have mutually agreed-upon rules about how, with whom and when that can happen, and whether they talk about it or not.

I totally agree with you, Aunty, that at the root of the problem is a basic lack of communication, that people simply don't tell their partner(s) how they are feeling, what they want at whatever point of their relationship they're in, and what they're frustrated or dissatisfied with. We don't automatically assume these days that our partner will want to marry us, that he or she wants kids, or even necessarily that they expect the relationship to last for the rest of their life. Maybe it's time monogamy was added to that list of negotiable points.

I flat-out disagree with your assumption that if a man or a woman is looking elsewhere, there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship he or she is in. That assertion smacks of an underlying preconception that there is in fact some universal way that a relationship SHOULD be. And in an age where the mother of a man's child is not necessarily his wife, where the different marriage practices of different cultures are recognised and very often respected, where some women and men choose multiple or serial relationships, isn't that view a little simplistic?

A relationship, ultimately, is up to the people in it. If they agree that they want lifelong monogamy and a cottage by the sea complete with white picket fence, two kids and a puppy, that is their prerogative. If two or three or however many people decide they want to all live in one home together or separately in several households, dividing their time and emotional energy between themselves, that too is for them to work out amongst themselves. The point though, is that these things need to be discussed.

A lot of the heartaches and recriminations tied up with infidelity are ultimately caused by people not knowing what the rules between themselves and their partner(s) are, having never expected to be in the situation where they are committed to one person but find themselves drawn to another person as well. It's something we don't really talk about in our society, and that needs to change. Yes, there are selfish fuckwits out there who simply don't care what their partner feels or what risks they are exposing their partner to, so I'm not disagreeing with you completely. You very rightly stress the need for honesty and respect for one's partner, and I applaud that. But non-monogamy does not automatically equal dishonesty or relationship dissatisfaction. In sum, to make informed choices, people need to know their options.

That's enough from me. Keep up the good work, Aunty, I look forward to reading more from you!

Polyamorously yours,

DannyR

Assume Nothing -- Deviant 5, CHAFF, 2009

Last year I had the privilege of attending the Human Rights Commission’s transgender exhibition and seminars at The New Dowse gallery in Lower Hutt. The exhibition is built around Rebecca Swan’s groundbreaking Assume Nothing, a beautiful photographic book that focuses on Kiwi transgender, intersex, transvestite, fa’afafine and takataapui people. Her work is innovative and daring, but shows a real sensitivity to and respect for the issues faced by trans-folk in Aotearoa. I was deeply, deeply moved by her work, and the workshops and seminars were fantastic.

Some of the photographs are in traditional portrait style, but there’s a lot of variety. Swan sometimes splits a portrait down the middle to show a transvestite person in both male and female garb or makeup, other times she uses a series of individual shots to show a drag artist’s progression from one persona to another. There are tasteful nude photographs, which answer all those awkward questions a lot of us have about what an intersex person’s plumbing looks like, but still convey the sense of the individual as a whole person rather than just an ensemble of genital bits and pieces, a medical oddity or freak. Some of the works are in black and white, others in bold colour. The real beauty of the collection is that Swan’s photography shows trans-folk as strong human beings with unique life histories and perspectives, real people with individual stories and experiences.

The seminars are an opportunity for the public to interact with some of the people who have put themselves forward in Swan’s work, to hear about their struggles and triumphs first-hand, to learn more about how our society has discriminated against transgender people in the past, how it continues to do so now, and how we’re changing that. I met some really inspiring people from all sorts of different backgrounds, and got answers to some of the questions I’d always had but had been too embarrassed to ask. Ultimately, I came away with a deep admiration and respect for some incredible people, people brave enough to be who they truly are in the face of scorn and rejection from their families, friends and society at large.

The great news is that both the exhibition and the workshops held by the HRC are coming to Palmerston North this year, Te Manawa is hosting the exhibition from the 28th of February until the 7th of June, and the workshops will be held on the 14th, 18th and 19th of March. You don’t have to identify as trans to benefit from these workshops, either. I really recommend you get yourselves along if you can – they’re informative and fun, and you’ll learn a whole lot, I guarantee it.

DannyR

(This piece was accompanied by a brief summary of some Do's and Don't's from another person's work, below)

Trans Etiquette 101

Micah Bazant, TimTum: A Trans Jew Zine

DON’T freak out if you don’t recognise someone’s gender or age, or get it wrong. Apologise (once is enough), and make sure you get it right next time.

DON’T interrogate them about their trans status.

DON’T assume you have the right to any medical or anatomical information about their body or genitals, it’s none of your friggin’ business unless they decide to share that with you.

DON’T EVER share the information that someone you know is trans or intersex, it can be humiliating or even dangerous for that person if you do so. A lot of trans people just want to get on with their lives without people knowing, and besides, ‘Outing’ someone for anything is a pretty shitty thing to do – they have the right to do it themselves if they choose to.

DON’T ask what their given, or ‘real’ name was. This is extremely rude.

DON’T assume you know the details of their transition, they may not be transitioning at all, or might choose to have some operations and not others. Again, none of your business.

DON’T ask if they’re sure about it, or remind them that it’s permanent or anything like that. Most trans people have already done a lot of soul-searching to get to where they are.

DON’T make this all about you, it might feel weird, maybe you’ve never had a trans friend or whatever, but however uncomfortable you’re feeling rest assured living as a trans person is a million times harder.


DO use the names and personal pronouns they prefer.

DO ask if you're not sure how someone prefers to be addressed.

DO take them at face value, let them be who they are now. Leave the past and the future alone.

DO listen if your trans friend has something they want to share about their experiences with you – it’s an enormous privilege, and needs to be respected.

DO educate yourself about trans life, watch films (TransAmerica and Boys Don’t Cry are both fantastic), read books, watch TV shows (Ugly Betty is pretty good), look it up on the net (try http://www.agender.org.nz/ ) – there are plenty of great resources out there, it’ll help you put yourself in your trans friend’s shoes.

And most importantly,

DO treat each trans person as an individual – we’re all unique and not one of us is the same as anyone else.

Catastrophe!!

Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!!

I slept in and missed the Student Association AGM!!

Aaarrghhhhh!!!!!!!


Being medicated sucks

Everything and Nothing

There are any number of labels and adjectives you could use to describe me. As an exercise, here's my own list, stream-of-consciousness style.

Bisexual. Polyamorous. Male. GenderQueer. Short. Pakeha. Pale. Brunette. Heavy. Timid. Nerdy. Quiet. Thoughtful. Apostate. Post-Gay. Musical. Literary. Creative. Artistic. Scruffy. Fantastical. Cautious. Reserved. Pessimistic. Untidy. Introverted. Repressed. Unusual. Fanciful. Needy. Emotional. Rational. Whiny. Reclusive. Ambiguous. Ambivalent. Bi-Polar. Liminal. Fun. Popular. Over-Committed. Inquisitive. Obsessive. Undisciplined. Unruly. Moral. Judgemental. Accepting. Tolerant. Neurotic. Suicidal. Self-Loathing. Average. Effeminate. Anxious. Arrogant. Vain. Depressed. Lonely. Talkative. Reticent. Secretive. Nonconfrontational. Poorly dressed. Whimsical. Passive. Lost. Worried. Moody. Meddlesome. Subversive. Poetic. Ironic. Bitter. Begrudging. Forgiving. Forlorn. Independent. Irritating. Curious. Quirky. Complacent. Concerned. Pedantic. Punctual. Submissive. Empathic. Compassionate. Escapist and Eloquent...

I am all of these, and none of these. I am ever-changing; there has never been, nor will there ever be, one concrete, permanent Danny Rudd. I'm always in the middle, in the grey, six of one, half a dozen of the other, neither here nor there.

Loathing

Dear S,

I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say to you anymore. I know I’ve been rude to you lately, but sometimes I just don’t want to look at you, I don’t want to talk. The thoughts are all mixed, I can’t make any sense of my life.

You’re better off without me. I’m childish, selfish, paranoid, neurotic, moody, pessimistic and angry. I’m not there for you nearly enough, I don’t visit your house nearly enough, I don’t ask you about your day, I’m vain and attention seeking and self-obsessed. I wait for you to text me so I can ignore it. I think of you as my enemy rather than my boyfriend – I don’t think you’re on my side, I don’t think you’re interested in me, I feel like you’re always more interested in dvds and my computer than you are in me.

I’m not good-looking enough, I think you could do a lot better, and I take your interest in other people as proof of my own inadequacy. I think you’re a bit of a hypocrite, you want monogamy but you’re always checking other people out online, in movies and in real life – to me it’s the same as actually sleeping with them. You’re a lot better looking than me, I get comments all the time, and sometimes I wish you’d cheat on me or tell me to fuck off. I want you to hit me instead of have sex with me, I want you to call me fat, stupid, lazy, selfish and pathetic. I think I gave up on us a long time ago, before we broke up the first time. And in 2008 I guess I gave up on ever being in a relationship with anyone again.

I missed you, but I got used to the idea that I was going to be lonely the rest of my life. I can’t function sexually anymore, I don’t want anyone to ever see me again, and I don’t want to be touched. I can’t get you off anymore, I’m not what you want.

I want to kill myself – I think about it a lot – I don’t want to make it to 30. I imagine hanging myself, setting myself on fire, walking out in front of traffic, overdosing in the bath. Sometimes I actually try it. I’ve started throwing up again. At the UniQ conference in Auckland, while the rest of you went out clubbing, I went to the park and made myself puke out everything I’d eaten that day. I spent a little while crying, and then when I ran out of tears I climbed on the motorway barrier and tried to will myself to jump. What stopped me was not a will to live but fear of pain and the fact that couldn’t ruin someone else’s life that way.

I feel like I’ve boxed myself in, painted myself into a corner – I’ve made sexuality my whole life, stupidly, knowing that it’s something distresses me, that sexual satisfaction is something I can’t ever have because my life situation prevents me – now I’m too old, fat and ugly, I have too many mental health problems, and my body doesn’t work. I wish I was asexual, but the more I want it, and the more my body keeps responding sexually – though never fully – the more sex disgusts me.

I have made myself a laughing stock by being openly bi and polyamorous, people don’t want me and it’s because I’m fat and ugly. The gym won’t change that – neither will dieting – all that happens is that the skin gets looser and the stretch marks get worse. I’m sorry I ever mentioned it to anyone – I’ve probably embarrassed you too. I never want to be seen again, I just want to die. I keep thinking about suicide but I’m scared of getting it wrong and ending up even worse off. I have every intention of doing it before I turn 30. And I don’t want anyone to know what happened – I want to just disappear. No funeral.

It’s hard to look at you because I think you’re beautiful, and you make me look even uglier. When we go anywhere together I think I hear people laughing at me, calling us ‘fatty and skinny.’ I never want you to take my photo again, I want all photos of me erased or burned.

GRRR!!!!!! -- CHAFF 2 2009

What gets me, I mean, what really gets me, is the arrogance.

I had trouble with my enrolment for Semester One this year, enough to cause me to lose sleep and have homicidal thoughts about the various administrative staff with whom I came into contact in the process. The story goes that due to illness combined with some distressing family circumstances I had to withdraw from my papers in the second semester last year, and the university granted me fee exemption and automatic re-enrolment due to the unforeseen and exceptional nature of the situation. I went to StudyLink and told them what was going on, and provided the documentation they asked for, which included letters between my doctor, a counsellor on campus, the university and myself. The agreed course of action was that I would take a break and get better, enrol in a Summer School paper to keep my hand in, and continue with full time study as of the first semester this year.

So I enrolled for Summer School, having sorted out most of what I needed to sort out to get myself well. I started going for regular doctor’s and counselling appointments (by the way, the Student Counselling services here are really good – I recommend it if you find yourself floundering or stressed out). I sat my ass down and got reading, I was disciplined and diligent, I really applied myself and got the work done, handed in my assignments. It was all good.
Then I find out – at the end of the semester no less – that my access to Library services has been cut off, a bugger if you have no internet access at home. I go to Registry to ask what’s up, and I am informed ( in what I can only describe as a curt manner) that because my Summer School fees hadn’t been paid my results for my work over summer would be withheld, and that my enrolment for the First Semester wasn’t going to be processed.

I thought this had been cleared up months ago. Luckily the Summer School paper I had chosen was entirely internally assessed so I didn’t have to worry about not being able to sit an exam, but I’m pretty pissed at this point because I had made sure I’d gone and done all the paperwork before I even started Summer School, and had received assurances that I had the green light. So I ring StudyLink and ask what the Capital F is going on, and am told that the problem is because they had thought my withdrawing from Semester Two the previous semester meant I was done with university study.

I then had to run around getting the various correspondences to provide to StudyLink again because they claim to have no record of them, and then talk to the university explaining the situation. The university then rings StudyLink for verification, StudyLink acknowledges the fault and says they’ll fix it up, and I’m promised that it should all be cleared up in three working days.
I was pretty stressed by this point, I was having what I think are quite justifiable fears (given the lack of communication) that I would not be enrolled in time and that my allowance would be cut off unexpectedly while studying, and so on my next counselling appointment I told the sordid tale and my counsellor went off to make a phone call, I guess to see what the story actually was and come back with assurances that would put my mind at rest.

Well he came back, but the news wasn’t good. Even after the university contacting StudyLink directly to see why the Student Loan payment for my Summer School fees hadn’t gone through, even after StudyLink had acknowledged they’d fucked up and promised to rectify the situation, nothing further had been done. I was still in limbo. But after a bit of further harassment by my counsellor and the university, the resolutions were actioned and it all went into processing, which I was told would take about three days or a week. Again.

The part that really, REALLY gets to me is the aforementioned arrogance. Everyone I spoke to in this administrative process -- from both the university and StudyLink -- treated me like I was causing them hassles they didn’t need, like I was just a complication, like it was my fault that things hadn’t gone smoothly, when the truth of the matter is that it was poor communication between the two organisations and staff at StudyLink failing to follow through on procedures that was really to blame. The admin staff at both just go with the assumption that the student is in the wrong, and it’s both insulting and unfair. I went through all the hassle of consulting with the university and StudyLink when I made the decision to withdraw last year, I provided all the required documentation and got their advice and information about what I could expect, and yet it would have gone more smoothly and caused me less anxiety in an already trying situation if I had simply failed the papers for which I was enrolled, given my good academic record. I should point out that I’m not alone in my anger and frustration, it seems a number of my friends have experienced similar attitudes from staff and had similar complications, even without the medical dramas.

Why all this confusion? Why is documentation going missing, why are StudyLink decisions being suddenly reversed, why aren’t agreed resolutions being followed through? I attribute it to what I see as two serious failings in the way StudyLink operates. The first is that students are largely excluded from the actual decision making process. When calls were going back and forth between the university and StudyLink, though I was physically in the room I was shut out of the conversation, it was all jargon and acronyms, with no explanation offered to me of what any of it meant, in fact no questions or comments directed to me at all. It was bloody confusing, is what it was, and then I was pretty much shunted from the office without any clarification. I had to actually go and make further enquiries at reception just to find out what the hell had just happened.

The second problem that I see is that StudyLink doesn’t actually assign case-managers, and so you end up talking to several different people, none of whom consult with each other or go higher up the chain when they’re not sure of what to do in a particular situation. Person A says the appropriate action is such and such, and then Person B, not knowing why person A did that, simply says ‘Oh well, that wasn’t the correct action to take, we’ll have to change it,’ and so on. Decisions are overturned because the people making the initial decision aren’t familiar with the case history or sure what to do and so they guess. A few minutes consultation or even rescheduling the appointment with the client to sort out exactly what the current standing of their application is would be adequate, and having particular staff assigned to particular cases would make this a lot easier. It would certainly mean friendlier service.

DannyR

CHAFF Review - Gran Torino

Gran Torino A+ or 9.5/10

Directed by Clint Eastwood. Starring Clint Eastwood, Christopher Carley, Bee Vang, Ahney Her.

I wasn’t really sure what I was getting myself in for when I agreed to go to see Gran Torino with some friends on my birthday, all I knew was that it was something about an old guy and a car, and that said old guy was Clint Eastwood. Sure, cars can be cool, and old people are fun to laugh at occasionally, but I was kind of amazed that Clint Eastwood was even still alive, let alone making films. So it was with much trepidation that I accepted my free ticket and jumbo-sized cup of branded, carbonated sugar-water and trudged into the theatre.

The movie starts with unpleasant old bastard Walt Kowalski at his wife’s funeral, standing stoically beside the coffin and observing his family as they enter the church, disgust and disapproval radiating from him. Everything you need to know about Walt, you learn in the first ten minutes – his two adult sons want nothing to do with him, his grandchildren think he’s a waste of space, his daughter-in-law wants him put in a home so they can sell the house. He’s a war vet who worked on an assembly line for an American car manufacturer for 40 years, he flies the Stars and Stripes outside his front door, and his pride and joy is his 1972 Gran Torino Sport (which, by the way, is a stunningly beautiful machine).

This man is a relic, a fossil, a dinosaur. But we can kind of relate, and that’s the genius and beauty of this movie. His grandchildren really are loathesome, grasping little shits. The way his own sons can’t be bothered with him, even when he’s just lost his wife, it’s just plain heartbreaking. This is a man who must stand by and watch as everything he and his immigrant family worked so hard for, for so many years, is simply discarded – forgotten, deemed worthless and irrelevant. This is a man watching the sun set on the American Dream.

But Walt finds the things he values – hard work, family, respect for elders, pride in one’s heritage – in the last place he expected to see them. After the funeral, at his wife’s wake, he quietly slips out the front door of his own house, unwanted, unnoticed, alone. It’s heart-wrenching. And that’s when he first sees his new neighbours moving in – a family of Asian immigrants, excited and noisy, being all foreign and stuff. Eastwood’s lip curls in that iconic grimace we’ve all seen a thousand times, and Walt’s disgust is plain to see. There goes the neighbourhood, the sun has set.

But Walt comes to see that though at first glance we may not see any common ground between us and those alien to us, by looking under the surface and behind closed doors – literally, in this case – we can find a lot to respect. The film progresses slowly, set against the backdrop of a decaying suburbia rife with violent crime and gang warfare. Through his entanglement in the lives and struggles of his new neighbours, Walt finds that all is not lost, that he can still make a difference, that standing up for what he believed in was not a waste of his life.

After a bit of thought, I’ve decided that Eastwood has targeted this film at both the liberal Democrats, who have traditionally been more welcoming of ethnic minorities and change but intolerant of conservative values, and equally at conservative Republicans, who have dug in their heels and refused to acknowledge the changes the late 20th and early 21st Century have brought. And he does it brilliantly, by giving us a struggling, hard-working immigrant family to represent progressive concerns and a lovable old coot for traditionalists to relate to, showing how their interests come together and that each can learn from the other and that each has something valid to say. I’m surprised to be saying it, but Clint Eastwood is an amazing actor and director, and this might be the best movie I’ve seen in years. I loved it, it was moving, intelligent, and genuinely funny.

It also showed me just how much fun swearing and insulting others can be. In that spirit, then, I tell you to go see this fucking movie, you fucking dipshit wastes of taxpayer’s money. Peace out.

Danny Rudd

Unfinished

When anyone meets my beautiful friend
They're sure to fall in Lust;
They worship the ground he walks on as
Inevitably they must.

He's earthy and warm and strong and dark,
His eyes gleam like burnished brass;
Compared to the plucked and waxed faggots
He's an angel of ages past.

But what makes him so attractive
Is his cheerful honesty,
He's happy to see you and says so
He wears his heart upon his sleeve...

- DannyR

One Of Us! One Of Us!! -- Deviant 2, CHAFF, 2009

So you’re new to Massey, new to Palmytron, new to flatting and washing your own underwear and having your eftpos card decline when you go to buy 50c noodles at the supermarket. And you’re a homo.

Maybe you’ve only just worked it out, or maybe you’ve suspected for years that something was different about you, in between sneaking a look at Cosmo at the newsstand and turning tricks after midnight at the local public toilets. Whatever. Now you find yourself asking, just what is there to do in Palmerston North when you’re young, broke and lesbian/gay/bi/trans/etc?? Are you, in fact, the Only Gay in the Village??

Fear not, assorted fruits!! Deviant, your friendly neighbourhood Queer* page, is here to tell you all about the sheer fabulousity that is Palmy’s LGBT scene. Are you strapped in back there? Good, now sit back and enjoy the ride.

First stop on the tour, of course, is UniQ (pronounced yoo-nee-cue), Massey’s own Queer student social/support group. We meet on Tuesdays in town at our secret headquarters and work to implement our dastardly Gay Agenda (more on that later), sacrificing kittens to our Dark Lord and plotting to overthrow the government and destroy families. Also, we have cookies. If you’re interested, drop us a line at the email address in the side-bar and we’ll add you to the email list to be kept in the loop, or pop up to MUSA and ask – the staff are friendly and helpful and confidentiality is assured. We also bring you Deviant every week, so make sure you pick up a copy of CHAFF to see what we’re up to.

Then there’s the Manawatu Lesbian and Gay Rights Association (MaLGRA), our awesome local volunteer-run organisation that serves the LGBT community for the district. This is important, so listen up. MaLGRA provides some really great services and hosts some great events throughout the year. Let’s run through them, shall we??

Probably the main one you’ll be interested in is Club Q, our sooper-dooper Queer bar and nightclub down the end of Jersey Lane in town. It’s open Friday and Saturday nights from 10pm, and is a great place to meet people, get plastered for cheap and make eyes at hot guys/girls/whatever without getting your block knocked off. It is the place to be seen, darlink. There is a door-charge, but it’s only a few dollars and is more than made up for by the good music, friendly and safe atmosphere inside and convenience to buses and late-night pie-shops.

Don’t just show up though, because Club Q is run on a Clubs License you need to be a member, or the guest of a member, to enter. There are a bunch of membership options, the cheapest of which is $5 which is more than good enough, and someone who is already a member needs to vouch for you. This sounds like a hassle, but it’s actually a really good thing, it ensures your safety because let’s face it, there are still plenty of homophobic morons out there who feel threatened by anyone of the same sex thinking they’re cute and will smack a homo over for looking at them. But it does mean if you don’t know anyone who’s a member, you’re screwed, and not in a fun way. If you’re in that boat, come along to UniQ, get to know some of the gang, and voila! Problem solved.

MaLGRA also runs a couple of support groups, there’s a Lesbian/Bi women’s night at the club rooms on Wednesdays and a Gay/Bi men’s evening on Thursdays, same place. These groups hang out, go to movies, cafes, and shows, and are great if you want something to distract you from that assignment that’s due Friday. MaLGRA also runs a group for Queer kids in schools, Closet Space, but I’m guessing if you’re reading this you’re too old to go to that. However, if you think you might want to help out occasionally or get involved as a co-ordinator, enquire at UniQ or up at the Club and someone will have a talk with you about it.

MalGRA also puts on some really cool shows and things at Club Q some weekends, and they’re always looking for people to get involved as dancers/drag artistes/DJs etc... keep an eye on Deviant through the year for upcoming events and reviews.

There’s a social cricket match that happens every two or three weeks while the weather is good, it’s usually Lesbians vs Homos but it’s pretty relaxed so anybody can join in, and sometimes the boys actually win!! If sports aren’t your thing, just showing up to watch the drag queens run in heels is always worth a giggle.

And of course there are plenty of things to do that aren’t specifically LGBT-themed but which attract the gays like ants to the delicious Goody-Gumdrops ice cream I dropped on the ground when that bully knocked it from my nancy homo hand just now. Treat yourself to a decent haircut in town occasionally, or chat up the male shop assistants in clothing stores. Try local performing arts groups like the Massey drama club or the Fire Club, attend a poetry evening, check out what’s happening in the local arts scene by popping into the town library and picking up a brochure, or there’s my favourite sure-fire way to spot homos – just hang out at the gym and observe as they pose, pout and preen.

Remember you don’t have to go it alone, there are plenty of people around to help out and to hang with, so make ’09 your year, get active, get involved, get freaky and have fun, ‘cos Palmy (and university generally) is what you make of it!!

*Queer is a reclaimed word that represents sexual and gender diversity, including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, takataapui and fa’afafine identities, and we acknowledge that it is not the preferred term for everyone.

DannyR