Walked into town from Ben and Becky's in the rain to meet Brent at Strawberry Fare, only to find that he wasn't there - Tall Steve rang him to tell him I was there waiting for him, and kept me company until he arrived. Apparently he hadn't thought I'd actually show up, and had decided to stay in bed.
We sat talking for about an hour, he seemed really nice and jolly, we ate desserts, which were really nice, and then he drove me in his little red suzuki alto to visit Adrian and Vicki at her parents' house in Proctor Street. Derek and Joan were really lovely, as usual, and it was nice to see Adrian and Vicki although of course I didn't say anything about my secret gay life, and then I walked to Bryce's work at the Cotswald Hotel.
I waited for Bryce in his car listening to his cds, and then when he finished work we spent the afternoon just hanging out. At seven, he dropped me off at the movie theatre where I'd arranged to meet Tall Steve and Brent, and Tall Steve had brought his partner along, Short Leon. We went and watched the brilliant new Pixar film, Monsters, Inc., followed by dinner in town.
Afterwards, we drove to a nice house not far from the centre of town, owned by some of Brent's friends. There were a whole bunch of gay guys there, it was going to be a movie night. They had a huge TV, and it was linked up to a computer. The host's partner disappeared up the stairs with some guy, and they were gone for a while, and I remember thinking he looked a bit sad about it, though I don't think I really cottoned on to what that might mean til later.
We sat around watching movies off the computer, and Tall Steve insisted that I lie down across his lap. He was stroking my leg, and I felt a bit uncomfortable, I could see his boyfriend Short Leon watching from across the room. They put on some weird porn, with a guy in a motorbike kelmet and nothing else fucking himself slowly with a traffic cone. I was getting really uncomfortable, because I was turned on, and went and hid in the bathroom, trying to compose myself. When I came out, I asked to leave, and Brent drove me back to Ben and Becky's house.
I got in the door, feeling pretty creeped out, and realised I'd left my hat at the house.
Looking back (from Nov 2009), I realise how naive and innocent I was back then. Yes, I behaved appallingly towards Bryce, in particular, giving him all sorts of mixed messages, telling him to leave me alone then hanging around expecting him to hang out with me, refusing to have sex with him one day and then being keen the next, telling him I just wanted to be alone and then hanging out with and actively pursuing other people for relationships. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I was self-centred, vain and melodramatic.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I really had no idea that Old Steve would try to have sex with me up on top of the Port Hills that day, and I thought I'd been raped, even though from his perspective I'd probably been leading him on, and he only made a move on me when I'd broken up with Bryce. Maybe he thought I'd dumped Bryce so I could have sex with him?
And then on this day described here, I had no idea that Brent took my meeting up with him in the morning as an indication that I was interested in him romantically, I just thought we were meeting as friends. That he didn't think I'd show up speaks volumes about how he saw me from the get-go... he assumed it had to be a date, and that I would stand him up, so he didn't plan on going.
And later, I really didn't get that the partner of the guy whose house we visited was probably upstairs having sex with that other guy, and I had no idea that they probably had an open relationship - I'd never even heard of that sort of thing before. The sadness I picked up on might have been anything - being left out, or maybe the younger boyfriend wanted the open relationship but the older guy didn't. I dunno.
I do know, however, that I thought gay guys were okay with getting a bit cuddly, but I was actually surprised when the porn was put on, and even more surprised when Tall Steve started getting intimate with me with his partner right there. It didn't occur to me until years later that the porn was probably a prelude to an orgy, and I sometimes wondered how my life might have been different had I stayed. As it happened, I left thinking they were all dirty freaks, hardly surprising given my Christian background. It really had never occurred to me that people could have sex with several others at the same time - I always assumed nonmonogamy and promiscuity were inherently serial.