Bisexuality is a difficult topic for psychologists, queer theorists, Christian conservatives and a whole lot of other people out there. It’s not about sexual orientation, as we understand heterosexual or homosexual orientation, rather, it defies the very concept of orientation, refusing to be pinned down, insisting that sexuality is fluid and boundless. It poses some of the most interesting and complex challenges for queer theorists and sexologists – so complex, in fact, that that these questions are very often ignored. The results of my own investigations in our campus library and in town were sadly unsurprising; there is a real dearth of material available on the subject. Unfortunately, this is pretty much the state of affairs around the world, so here I will endeavour to cast a little light on the topic.
We’re taught to see duality in almost everything in our lives: male and female, light and dark, hot and cold, moral and immoral, to name but a few, and our perspectives of sex are no different; we generally only think in terms of gay and straight. But human sexuality is a little more complex than that; you simply can’t squeeze the full range of human sexual feelings and behaviours into only two classifications. And so, it’s generally agreed that a minimum of three categories is needed to represent these varied attractions and activities: heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual.
Misinformation abounds on any topic that involves human sexuality. However, it seems to be particularly prevalent where homosexuality and bisexuality are concerned. Some common myths about bisexuality are:
Everybody is bisexual
WRONG!! Kinsey found that only a very small minority of adults identify themselves as bisexual on his 7 level rating scale. His team found that the vast majority of adults rate themselves as either “0” (purely heterosexual; attracted only to members of the opposite gender) or “6” (purely homosexual; attracted only to members of the same sex.) and that in truth, only about 2% of the adult population is bisexual (ratings 1 to 5). Of these, only a very small minority are attracted to both men and women equally and identify themselves with a “3” rating.
Nobody is bisexual
WRONG!! Christian conservatives and the gay and lesbian community have generally agreed on one thing over the years: that bisexuality doesn’t exist. It’s easier to come out as bi now, but typically gays and lesbians have regarded bisexuals as fellow homos who just won’t play ball and come fully out of the closet (I used to get this all the time), while our conservative religious friends have repeatedly and emphatically denied the ontological existence of any sexual identity other than straight.
Bisexuality is just a phase
For some it may be. For example, some gay girls and guys try to ‘pass’ or hide from society's homophobia by developing sexual relationships with people of the opposite sex. A few even go so far as marrying. These relationships aren’t satisfying and usually don’t last very long though; the individual remains a homosexual. My experience has actually been the other way around, I came out as gay from the get-go, when I’d finally dealt with my religious issues, and only later came to acknowledge my bisexuality. Still others know themselves to be bi from an early age, or experiment and decide it’s not for them.
Bisexuals are equally attracted to both genders
A common misconception is that to be a bisexual, you must be sexually attracted to men and women equally. This is definitely not true. In the Kinsey scale described above, a person who is equally attracted to both men and women is a "3." Kinsey and others have found many bisexuals who identify themselves as a 1, 2 (i.e. mainly attracted to members of the opposite gender), or a 4 or 5 (i.e. mainly attracted to members of the same gender). Many individuals, although attracted to both men and women, have a real preference. The thing I find most interesting, personally, is that these attractions aren’t immutably fixed, that different things about different people, at different times of our lives, can be appealing.
Bisexuals “...possesses a generally indiscriminate sexual desire toward persons of both sexes”
This is a quotation from America, the national Roman Catholic weekly. However, all adults, including those with a bisexual orientation are known to be attracted to only some persons and not to others. We all discriminate on the basis of age, physical attractiveness, body style, etc. My bisexuality doesn’t mean I’ll lust after just anybody.
Bisexuals are incapable of monogamy
This is perhaps the most prevalent assumption about bisexuality, and has caused me so much grief I gave up identifying as bi for a while; it just wasn’t worth the arguments. You tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you’re bi, they instantly assume you’re going to cheat on them. But many bisexuals maintain loving, exclusive relationships with one significant other over considerable time, God knows I have. Similarly, Johnny Straight-Boy might be attracted to a substantial percentage of the 1.5 billion of adult women in the world, and yet, he may be quite capable of committing himself to a single Jill. Be fair, eh?
Bisexuals are only satisfied if they have sexual partners of both genders
Wrong again. Bisexuals are attracted to both genders, but we don’t necessarily act on our feelings of attraction, and are quite capable of developing exclusive, stable relationships. The term bisexuality is descriptive of how people feel, not necessarily how they act: a person can feel attractions to both men and women, decide to remain celibate or only become involved in relationships with persons of a particular gender, and still be considered a bisexual by themselves and others.
Bisexuals alternate genders in their relationships
Some people actually think that if a bisexual person ends a relationship with a man, their next sexual partner will definitely be a woman -- or vice versa. WRONG!! Nobody plans who he or she will fall in love with, it just happens.
Bisexuals have the same problems as gays and lesbians
Not necessarily. True, bisexuals who admit to or act on an attraction to a person of the same sex run the same risk as gays and lesbians, of being victims of gay bashing, being discriminated against in hiring, being fired from their job or refused accommodation, even losing custody of their children. But there are many other factors to consider, for instance, a bisexual who keeps his or her attraction to the same sex a secret can pass in society as a heterosexual and not be at risk of homophobia.
Some openly bisexual individuals are actually subjected to prejudice from the lesbian/gay community. When gay and lesbian communities were first establishing themselves last century, bisexuals were actually considered traitors! These days, however, this animosity has virtually disappeared as more gay/lesbian groups have evolved to become gay/lesbian/bisexual groups.
If you’ve always felt a little untruthful calling yourself straight or if, like me, you put on the gay hat and found it didn’t quite fit, do some reading and open your eyes to yourself and all the strange, wonderful and perversely normal things you could be.
Two great books, if you can find them, are: Vice Versa: Bisexuality and the Eroticism of Everyday Life by Marjorie Garber, and Queer Theories by Donald E. Hall. Don’t tie yourself up in knots about it, and remember, there are people around to help you out if it’s all new and scary to you. Try UniQ, or pop in and see a counsellor on campus.
DannyR
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday, March 2, 2007
Sex Without The Visuals: Being blind and gay -- Deviant, CHAFF 2007
Being both blind and gay has given Yvon Provencher of Montreal a somewhat unique perspective on the world.
“One night I went to a club in the Village, and someone who worked there came up to me and said, ‘Do you realize where you are?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’ And he said, ‘You're in a gay bar.’ And I said, ‘I know.’ And he said, ‘So you want to be here?’ And I replied, ‘Yeah.’ Only at that point did the bar employee seem to get it.”
Sex is somewhat mysterious for all blind people, and even more so for people who are gay or lesbian and blind. Blind people are often not told about the mechanics of sex as teenagers, as there is an almost universal perception that people with disabilities are asexual, and as such many blind individuals reach adulthood without ever fully understanding even the basics. It’s not something that’s really spoken about in an informative, responsive way outside of sex-ed classes. When blind people do pipe up the courage and ask, and when even more unusually someone actually takes time to answer their questions, it’s inevitably explained to them as something that won’t happen for them, that exists for ‘normal’ people. But blind people experience the same urges and desires as sighted people, albeit slightly differently.
Imagine the frustration, and then imagine that frustration compounded by not being able even to find out by other means. There certainly isn’t much available Braille erotica out there (yes, I can hear the sniggers…) and a blind person can’t furtively browse the top shelves of the bookstore or newsstand. Blind individuals often have no idea that such things as phone sex lines or massage parlours exist. Add to this an awareness of homophobia, and an exploration of sexual identity becomes even more enigmatic for gay blind people. Coming out is frightening even for sighted gay and lesbian people.
When Robert Feinstein was a senior at college, he wanted to go to a meeting of the gay and lesbian student’s association on campus, but was afraid to ask for directions to where the meetings were taking place, because he feared the responses of fellow students to someone who was both blind and gay. Just as for sighted gay and lesbian people, adolescence and early adulthood often mean trying to hide in heterosexual relationships for blind queer people. Provencher says, ironically, his blind status has protected him from homophobic violence in the past. For years, he wore either a pink triangle or a rainbow symbol on his lapel. ‘Sometimes, there would be tense moments when people would see them and threaten me,’ he says. ‘Then they'd realize I was blind and back off. There's something in our society which says you shouldn't beat up disabled people, so that would put an end to it.’
So how do you do it? Most of us can’t even imagine sexual attraction without sight. ‘Once you turn off the lights,’ says Provencher, ‘there's little difference.’ Attraction exists without sight, sighted people just tend to forget that. The sound of a voice, the significant silences, the sense of proximity to another body, the scents, the idea of seduction or strength… sexual attraction is a many faceted thing. ‘It is different in a way, I guess,’ Provencher concedes. ‘The glance, the smile, there's something very visual about sex. That it's not there can be very disconcerting for some.’
Provencher's blindness does raise some obvious questions though, most specifically: how does a blind man cope among other gay men, who are so notoriously looks-obsessed? ‘Gay men are men. It's about being male. Men seem to be more visually oriented than women. I do have a different perspective and that's partly related to being blind. I'm not so much into physical appearance. But if I were sighted I'm sure I'd look at men for their bodies too. I realized at a certain point that how you look can affect how people interact with you. For me, clothes were just a matter of not being cold. All that colour coordination for me was very complicated. There was something very superficial about it all. After a time, I stopped fighting it as it was going to be there all the time whether I liked it or not.’
Robert Feinstein sees the gay and lesbian community as discriminatory toward blind people. ‘I remember my excitement when my guide dog and I set out for our first gay bar’ he reported in a Montreal magazine in 2000. ‘We got off the subway at Christopher Street, a street in the heart of Greenwich Village. I asked for directions to the bar, but once inside, I realized that this wasn't going to work… the noise level was incredible! I couldn't hear a thing. And because I couldn't see, I had no idea what was going on around me. I was basically rendered deaf and blind because of the noise level. I sat at the bar, and felt worse and worse as time went by. Nobody tried to talk to me. I finally got the courage to tap the person next to me, and to try to strike up a conversation. The guy was polite, but after talking with him a while, he told me he was with someone.
‘I realized that I had no way of knowing who was alone, who was with someone, and what was going on. I went to other bars on subsequent days, but… unfortunately, the same thing happened. I was shown to a seat, and there I stayed. Nobody came over to talk to me. I finally left and vowed I would never try to meet gay people in this way… I was feeling worse about being blind and being gay than I ever had in the past’. He notes a difference in attitudes towards those whose blindness is a complication of HIV and those who have been blind for life: ‘Many people with HIV suffer visual problems but are looked after within the gay community, and yet blind and vision-impaired people who have not become so from medical complications are often made to feel that they do not belong.’
Don’t read this and think it’s all woe and worry, however. This is not an article about disempowering gay and lesbian people who are blind; it’s not about pity or PC. This is about remembering that whether we can see or not, whether we can hear or not, whether we can walk or not, we are all human beings with the same needs, desires, wants, dreams and hopes, whatever our sexual orientation. Blindness holds up a mirror to society, and can teach us much about ourselves that those ‘privileged’ with sight are, ironically, unable to see, such as how we treat each other, what we take for granted, how we can do things in new ways and ultimately what it is to be human. An anonymous quote on BFLAG (Blind Friends of Lesbians and Gays)’s website says: ‘Someone once thanked God for making him blind so that his soul could see. I have come to believe that there is a lot of truth in that.’
DannyR
“One night I went to a club in the Village, and someone who worked there came up to me and said, ‘Do you realize where you are?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’ And he said, ‘You're in a gay bar.’ And I said, ‘I know.’ And he said, ‘So you want to be here?’ And I replied, ‘Yeah.’ Only at that point did the bar employee seem to get it.”
Sex is somewhat mysterious for all blind people, and even more so for people who are gay or lesbian and blind. Blind people are often not told about the mechanics of sex as teenagers, as there is an almost universal perception that people with disabilities are asexual, and as such many blind individuals reach adulthood without ever fully understanding even the basics. It’s not something that’s really spoken about in an informative, responsive way outside of sex-ed classes. When blind people do pipe up the courage and ask, and when even more unusually someone actually takes time to answer their questions, it’s inevitably explained to them as something that won’t happen for them, that exists for ‘normal’ people. But blind people experience the same urges and desires as sighted people, albeit slightly differently.
Imagine the frustration, and then imagine that frustration compounded by not being able even to find out by other means. There certainly isn’t much available Braille erotica out there (yes, I can hear the sniggers…) and a blind person can’t furtively browse the top shelves of the bookstore or newsstand. Blind individuals often have no idea that such things as phone sex lines or massage parlours exist. Add to this an awareness of homophobia, and an exploration of sexual identity becomes even more enigmatic for gay blind people. Coming out is frightening even for sighted gay and lesbian people.
When Robert Feinstein was a senior at college, he wanted to go to a meeting of the gay and lesbian student’s association on campus, but was afraid to ask for directions to where the meetings were taking place, because he feared the responses of fellow students to someone who was both blind and gay. Just as for sighted gay and lesbian people, adolescence and early adulthood often mean trying to hide in heterosexual relationships for blind queer people. Provencher says, ironically, his blind status has protected him from homophobic violence in the past. For years, he wore either a pink triangle or a rainbow symbol on his lapel. ‘Sometimes, there would be tense moments when people would see them and threaten me,’ he says. ‘Then they'd realize I was blind and back off. There's something in our society which says you shouldn't beat up disabled people, so that would put an end to it.’
So how do you do it? Most of us can’t even imagine sexual attraction without sight. ‘Once you turn off the lights,’ says Provencher, ‘there's little difference.’ Attraction exists without sight, sighted people just tend to forget that. The sound of a voice, the significant silences, the sense of proximity to another body, the scents, the idea of seduction or strength… sexual attraction is a many faceted thing. ‘It is different in a way, I guess,’ Provencher concedes. ‘The glance, the smile, there's something very visual about sex. That it's not there can be very disconcerting for some.’
Provencher's blindness does raise some obvious questions though, most specifically: how does a blind man cope among other gay men, who are so notoriously looks-obsessed? ‘Gay men are men. It's about being male. Men seem to be more visually oriented than women. I do have a different perspective and that's partly related to being blind. I'm not so much into physical appearance. But if I were sighted I'm sure I'd look at men for their bodies too. I realized at a certain point that how you look can affect how people interact with you. For me, clothes were just a matter of not being cold. All that colour coordination for me was very complicated. There was something very superficial about it all. After a time, I stopped fighting it as it was going to be there all the time whether I liked it or not.’
Robert Feinstein sees the gay and lesbian community as discriminatory toward blind people. ‘I remember my excitement when my guide dog and I set out for our first gay bar’ he reported in a Montreal magazine in 2000. ‘We got off the subway at Christopher Street, a street in the heart of Greenwich Village. I asked for directions to the bar, but once inside, I realized that this wasn't going to work… the noise level was incredible! I couldn't hear a thing. And because I couldn't see, I had no idea what was going on around me. I was basically rendered deaf and blind because of the noise level. I sat at the bar, and felt worse and worse as time went by. Nobody tried to talk to me. I finally got the courage to tap the person next to me, and to try to strike up a conversation. The guy was polite, but after talking with him a while, he told me he was with someone.
‘I realized that I had no way of knowing who was alone, who was with someone, and what was going on. I went to other bars on subsequent days, but… unfortunately, the same thing happened. I was shown to a seat, and there I stayed. Nobody came over to talk to me. I finally left and vowed I would never try to meet gay people in this way… I was feeling worse about being blind and being gay than I ever had in the past’. He notes a difference in attitudes towards those whose blindness is a complication of HIV and those who have been blind for life: ‘Many people with HIV suffer visual problems but are looked after within the gay community, and yet blind and vision-impaired people who have not become so from medical complications are often made to feel that they do not belong.’
Don’t read this and think it’s all woe and worry, however. This is not an article about disempowering gay and lesbian people who are blind; it’s not about pity or PC. This is about remembering that whether we can see or not, whether we can hear or not, whether we can walk or not, we are all human beings with the same needs, desires, wants, dreams and hopes, whatever our sexual orientation. Blindness holds up a mirror to society, and can teach us much about ourselves that those ‘privileged’ with sight are, ironically, unable to see, such as how we treat each other, what we take for granted, how we can do things in new ways and ultimately what it is to be human. An anonymous quote on BFLAG (Blind Friends of Lesbians and Gays)’s website says: ‘Someone once thanked God for making him blind so that his soul could see. I have come to believe that there is a lot of truth in that.’
DannyR
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