Loss

"Yeah... And I'm sad! But at the same time I'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad... It's like... It makes me feel alive, y'know? It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now, is if I felt somethin' really good before, so I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feelin' is, like a beautiful sadness... I guess that sounds stupid... Besides, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid!" (image and quote courtesy of Gay Banker at http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/09/philosophy-of-butters-stotch.html)

It's been a pretty horrible week for the whole community here - it's like everything has kind of fallen to pieces.

I went in to the student association yesterday to see Karl about some details for the Sexual Health Group meeting I had arranged for last night, and of course Karl shares an office with my mate Cassie, who also knew Leah. Everybody did - she was so involved and active.

Cassie was sitting there when I walked in the door - we took one look at each other and both burst into tears. It's all so unfair, and way these things always come down to family fighting and money - that's just disgusting.

The funeral is tomorrow afternoon. Cass and me joked about everyone showing up goth, or with bright pink hair, and we actually did laugh -- that kind of relieved, guilty, sad laughter -- but really it would be the most appropriate thing to do. She always did stand out, and I can't help thinking that she'd be smiling if we did and she could know it.