Her Name Was Leah

She was outgoing, fun, friendly, energetic, always the life of the party. She put a lot of time and energy into helping people and volunteering for things, and she was involved in everything - she DJ'ed at the bar most weekends, she was involved with two local acting groups, she played softball and soccer, was part of the medieval jousting club (yes, they exist), she wrote poetry, modelled, took photography classes -- everyone knew her. And nobody knew she was having such a hard time the last six to twelve months - she kept it to herself, and then a week ago she killed herself.

I saw her a few hours before she did it, up at the bar, and I didn't stop to ask her how she was cos I was out looking after some friends of S's from out of town and the place was noisy and full. She seemed to be in her own little world, and her hair (which was often flaming red, golden or bright pink) was black. I wish I'd said something now, anything at all to make her know that we cared. I wish I could go back to that night.

The funeral was yesterday and about two hundred people showed up. The service was 90 minutes, and was lighthearted and full of humour, just like Leah was, which made it all the harder to bear. Her family came through, which we hadn't expected seeing how they'd disowned her for being gay, and they gave some really beautiful eulogies. And her flatmates and friends had all paid for it, and it was really lovely. I was bawling my eyes out the whole time, she was always so nice to me, and so cheerful and beautiful, and it was like she was proof that you could come through even the hardest of lives with a smile on your face, but I guess none of us knew just how hard it had really been for her. We all failed her.

We held the wake at the club, and everyone was pretty shattered. I couldn't stay, I was really depressed, so S and I went for a walk, and then I went home and slept. I just feel dazed now, it's like it hasn't happened but I keep having thoughts of her lying in the coffin, and that starts me off crying all over again.

She really was so beautiful.