Here's a short list of some of my favourite quotes from the atrociously spelt and narrated Harry Potter fan-fic 'My Immortal' by Tara 'Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.' You can find the full hilarious story at http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm Just for a bit of context, Ebony/Enoby/Eboby is a vampire goth in Slytherin House at Hogwarts, her bisexual vampire goth boyfriend is Draco/Drak/Darko Malfoy, Harry Potter has changed his name to Vampire and... yes, he's a bisexual vampire goth... noticing a trend? A good third of the story is actually incredibly detailed descriptions of vitually indistinguishable black outfits and identical emo concerts, there's sex, drugs, murder and bad grammar. My Immortal also has perhaps the biggest fanbase of any internet fan-fic - nobody can quite decide if it's serious or a vicious parody. So without further ado (and without any editing)....
Dumbledore: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!
"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.
"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT"" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
"Hey bitch you look kawaii."
"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. "You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.
"Volfemort has him bondage!"
"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"
"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily.
"Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape."
"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.
"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.
"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.
A chapter after Loopin "masticates" outside of Enoby's window, Tara took a second stab at it: "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.
"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.
"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.
I smelled happily.
"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.
"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry.
Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.
"Rid my sight you despicable preps!"
Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!
"But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot."
"I laffed statistically."
"We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111"
"“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly."
"“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s."
"then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”"
There is no God.
ReplyDeleteThat is scary and horrible and pathetic and hilarious all at once. I have finally seen something that makes the sports fanfic and slash I've seen look downright sane. (You know the race car driver and hockey team I'm always going on about? Those guys attract *lots* of fanfic from my sisters in fandom, but at least most of those ladies have a handshake acquaintance with grammar, spelling, plot....)
ReplyDeleteOh, Gods, I really hope that's a parody, because otherwise I'll have to sit next to you and start weeping myself.
Can't believe the stuff people will write fanfics about, though apparently I have done it. When I was a kid, I wrote sequels and prequels to fairy tales (like, Snow White knighted the Seven Dwarves and Cinderella was extra-nice to her palace maids). I have written retellings, sequels and prequels for novels like The Handmaid's Tale and The Well of Loneliness, too, though I am not brave enough to post them online.
I have occasionally been so angry at a movie adaptation of a favourite book or TV series (I'm looking at YOU, Michael Bay) that I have sat myself down in a rage and rewritten it to my own satisfaction.
ReplyDeleteI don't really GET fanfic, when it's the usual unlikely-romance-between-characters-who-hate-each-other-mush; having said that though, there are some real gems -- I recall another Harry Potter tribute that paired Dumbledore with the giant squid in the lake, and another where the castle itself was subject to a love that will remain forever unrequited, the object of affection being the evil forest a few hundred yards down the hill.
Some of the best actually become 'canon' in whatever franchise they're paying homage to -- I can think of three Doctor Who fanfics that have been published and then made into actual episodes (Rob Shearman's 'Jubilee' became 2005's brilliant episode 'Dalek,' Paul Cornell's 'Human Nature' was adapted into my absolute favourite New-Who double episode 'Human Nature/The Family of Blood,' and Steven Moffat's hugely entertaining 'What I Did on My Christmas Holidays by Sally Sparrow' became the highest rated episode of the revived series, the utterly creepy and deeply moving 'Blink').
Mostly, fanfic is pretty harmless, and it's often good for a chuckle, sometimes, though, it is horrifying. I'm not entirely sure whether 'My Immortal' is the former or the latter.
Also, go 'The Handmaid's Tale'!!! I had to read that for 6th form English -- it was the first book I ever read with sex in it, and I remember being thoroughly embarassed, especially when the teacher picker people to read parts of it aloud in class. It is, however, a brilliant and absolutely classic book, and I'd recommend it to anyone (except perhaps my mother).
ReplyDelete*picked*
ReplyDeleteThat's me being a poor typist, not me being someone who isn't on speaking terms with the English language.
;)
Would I be right in assuming that you were picked to read aloud the bits with sex in it?
ReplyDeleteYes, yes you would :)
ReplyDelete