A Start...

Well, I did it.

;D

Last night after dinner at S’s house I initiated a conversation about polyamory. It scared me half to death to do it, but I did, having made up my mind on the way over that I had to for my own sanity.

I can’t even remember exactly how the conversation went, I was that scared, and then after we’d had it I had to ask myself over and over if it had really happened.

He was confused when I first said the word, and he looked just as scared as I felt. I told him I had been trying to work out for a long time whether he would still accept me, given the films and TV shows he likes, the way he’s always checking other people out and so on. I told him that I’m happy being with him, I like our relationship and I look forward to our future together, and that my fears of rejection over this issue come mostly from experience with previous partners and from rejection at school and from my family for other things.

He told me this was completely out of the blue, that he'd never guessed that I was trying to work out his feelings about open relationships and seeing other people and so on. He thinks maybe I picked up on the polyamory aspects of his favourite movies and TV shows because it was something that is actually in my life, where it hasn’t been in his so he didn’t really notice those themes. He also answered a question I’ve had for a long time but have been too scared to ask, that his past relationships have always been strictly monogamous and he’s never even thought of having it any other way.

He told me that having this conversation was like it all clicking into place for him, it answered a lot of his questions about me holding back in communication and also my past objections to him checking other guys out (I was being the dutiful monogamous boyfriend and he wasn’t “playing by the rules”).

We talked a bit about my past non-monogamous relationships, and that I am involved in the poly community. We didn't talk about the sex side of things, and I still think we need to, but it's a start anyway. He said he thinks at this point he would be hurt if I did start seeing someone else, and seemed disbelieving that I could see him with someone else and not be angry (even after I'd explained things like compersion), but he didn’t scream and shout and made a point of saying that he’s glad I brought this up and that he loves me.

He’s said he’ll read up about it a bit and ask questions as he has them, but said that I have to work on my communication with him, because most of the barriers are put up by me. And I totally accept that – I know a polyamorous relationship needs a strong foundation of good communication skills.

Funny thing is, we went to bed after and started fooling around, and he was pretty excited... I wonder if it turns him on?? So yeah, I’ve done it, after a whole year and a half of wondering how to bring it up and being sure I wasn’t going to be loved and accepted as I am, I did it and he still loves me. Joy!!