Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts

Monday, November 2, 2009

Weep, Weep For Future Generations...


Here's a short list of some of my favourite quotes from the atrociously spelt and narrated Harry Potter fan-fic 'My Immortal' by Tara 'Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.' You can find the full hilarious story at http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm Just for a bit of context, Ebony/Enoby/Eboby is a vampire goth in Slytherin House at Hogwarts, her bisexual vampire goth boyfriend is Draco/Drak/Darko Malfoy, Harry Potter has changed his name to Vampire and... yes, he's a bisexual vampire goth... noticing a trend? A good third of the story is actually incredibly detailed descriptions of vitually indistinguishable black outfits and identical emo concerts, there's sex, drugs, murder and bad grammar. My Immortal also has perhaps the biggest fanbase of any internet fan-fic - nobody can quite decide if it's serious or a vicious parody. So without further ado (and without any editing)....

Dumbledore: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT"" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

"Hey bitch you look kawaii."

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. "You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.

"Volfemort has him bondage!"

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"

"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily.

"Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape."

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.

A chapter after Loopin "masticates" outside of Enoby's window, Tara took a second stab at it: "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.

I smelled happily.

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.
"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry.

Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!"

Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!

"But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot."

"I laffed statistically."

"We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111"

"“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly."
"“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s."

"then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”"

Friday, October 30, 2009

Word Association, 30/10/09

Ok, so picking a word, the first thing I see looking up, I will write every distinct word or phrase that comes into my head in the next five minutes. Here goes...

Table
Food
Plaque
Teeth
Dentists
Poverty
Africa
AIDS
Sex
Curtains
Window sill
Dust
Cloth
Kitchen sink
Water
Swimming
Rope swing
Laughing
Dogs
Dad
Shouting
Hitting
Leather belt
Brother
Toy dinosaurs
Transformers
Fooled
Mum shouting
Suitcases
Crying
Bible study
Sunshine
Harbour
Wellington
Cake
Seth
Black wings
Rain
Polite
Cell phone
Library
Computer
Table

All Rise

By DannyR

All rise.
Court is now in session.
Thank you, let’s hear from the Prosecution.
Thank you, Your Honour, Jury Members,
And now, ladies and gentle-men
Are you all paying attention?
I present for your inspection
The proof of this man’s transgression.
You may all remember,
When last we were in session
We heard from the Defendant
The ludicrous suggestion
That the cause of his aggression
Was sexual repression,
Spousal rejection,
The want of real respect and
A dearth of affection.
Be not fooled, it is deception,
As a lie, it is Perfection,
It obscures the evidence and
Seems a suitable defence. But
I beg you to reject it,
Don’t be fooled by his expression!
For he may seem penitent and
Resigned to his correction,
But he is hardly repentant,
I argue it was his intention
All along to get arrested
To escape his wife’s revenge for
Hiding all her underwear and
Setting fire to her hair. If
It please you, you should send him
Not to jail but to his bedroom
Without police protection
Where his wife may ease her tension
With a suitable reception;
And inflict on him the sentence, I’d
Suggest she takes a hair-pin
And inserts it up his rectum –
Yes thank you, Counsel for the Prosecution
But I'll decide the restitution.
Of course sir, it was only a suggestion.
But I have a lot invested
In seeing that man there divested
Of his smug self-assurances,
You see sir, he is my ex and
I’ve a personal vendetta,
I’d love to see him get a
Public flogging or even better
Brand him with a scarlet letter –
Yes, thank you Counsel, but I’ve said that
I’ll be the one to choose the sentence. Your
History is not pertinent,
In fact it’s a Conflict of Interest and
I think I'll Hold you in Contempt –
Your Honour, please I beg you,
I really do respect you
I apologise and guess I’ll
Have to step down from the bench –
Now, now, I see you’ve learned your lesson,
Counsel, is your case presented?
Aye the Prosecution rests, sir.
Then I think we’ll take a break here and
Let’s all go for a beer. We’ll
Adjourn ‘til, say, eleven?
Good.
All rise.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Clamouring Silence

by DannyR

Too many monkeys screaming in my head,
Footfalls of silence, drumbeats of dread,
A sky full of airplanes, a puddle full of red,
And your voice telling me its time I went to bed.

The dogs protest the passing of the paperboy outside
The sky carries the promise of the dying of the light
The daisies in the vase on the sill have nearly died
And your voice telling me you’re not staying tonight.

The creak of the stairs on my way up to my room,
The moment’s hesitation as I peer into the gloom,
The darkness dispelled by the switch I flick anew
And your voice in the hallway as you bid me adieu.

No spiders ‘twixt the sheets nor goblins underneath the bed,
The pillow soft and cold beneath my weary heavy head,
A hundred thousand promises and the light have fled,
Your footsteps on the path outside a moment and you’ve left.

And still I hear the monkeys and I feel their greedy paws,
They chatter and they screech about societies and laws,
They paint themselves, no longer walking about upon all fours
They lie and steal but still their lies are nothing next to yours.

Shadows in the corners of my room are occupied,
Trees scratching on the windowpane, my eyes open wide,
The creaks and groans of timber, a kitchen full of knives,
The memory of your voice is little comfort now I find.

A shape there in the corner or a jacket on a chair?
A moment hiding ‘neath the sheets and now it’s moved I swear.
But nothing more occurs as into utter dark I stare,
The memory of your voice, the fervent wish that you were here.

Hours passing slowly, marching off into the gloom,
Following the example of the promises untrue
Leaving me alone, awake, here in this darkened room
They leave me to my nightmares, they leave me, just like you.

And still the monkeys scream, and the drumbeats do not fade
Though the light has disappeared with all the promises you made
And I’m drowning in the pool of blood, I cannot see the planes,
I swear I hear a footstep and I wish that you had stayed.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What is... Flash Fiction?

Mitchell Warren describes Flash Fiction as “short, funny and allowed only so much pathos before the word count is up. Like a stand-up comic graduating from an hour-long show to an eight-minute set on a late night talk show, flash fiction is a ceremonious demotion to professional writing. Readers of flash fiction are demanding, overly critical, and of course, are only humbly asking to be entertained.”

I love this stuff… there’s some real gems. But for all the ones that make you laugh, cry or blanch in horror, there a ten that just don’t quite succeed. I’ve tried a couple of times but can’t get do it, it takes more talent than I’ve got :)

So here’s some fun examples…

The first two are by Giles Hobbs and can be found at http://www.mystorypage.com/flashfiction_one_hundred_words.html



The Sale (only 100 words!!)

"Nice car! Can I buy it?” He asked.
“Now?” I say.
“Now, including everything in it. I’ll pay you double what it’s worth.”
I look around the car, finding nothing of real value.
“OK” I say, “but I need to get home first.”
He follows me home and I sign a hasty contract whilst sat in the driver’s seat.
Inside my house my dog starts barking as I hand back the contract.
In his hand the man holds a studded dog collar.
“My dog wasn’t in the car!” I protest.
“Your dog wasn’t.” he says and reaches for my throat.


Wild Horses (only 100 words!!)

When the hooves strike and splinter your front door with a crash, your body will freeze. The familiar clip-clop, out of place on your stairs, will seem less benign than you remember. Then near silence, hooves muffled by carpet as you wait, unsure if you’re dreaming, terrified, until the large equine head finally peers around your bedroom door. “What did I ever do to you?” A stupid question. Will you really expect an answer? No, because you will know well before it rears it’s hooves above your head, you will know that this horse is in no mood for talking.


Now here’s three by Hugh Cook, beginning with this nasty little horror…

Waiting for the Americans

My wife doesn't like it when I play attack helicopters, though it's a perfectly harmless game. The baby doesn't mind being levitated through the air to the accompaniment of "budda-budda-budda" chopper noises. But I've been told to stop.
So we play "Waiting for the Americans" instead. This is a very quiet game. Your wife may not even be aware that you're playing it. All it involves is a father. Sitting quietly. In a corner. With his daughter. Waiting. For the Americans.
But the Americans do not come, and it's been another long hot month, and the thunder on the horizon is neither war nor rain, merely the discontentment of the sky. One month more, and I still have my wife and baby daughter.
Well. Really. Do I need to wait for the Americans? After all, I have a hammer. And a shovel. And two burlap sacks. And that, I think, is all I really need.


Under the Alien Yoke

When the aliens arrived on planet Earth, one of the first things they did was to ban ice hockey. The aliens were the Glish Galzish, a remorseless race of logicians who were in the process of conquering the known universe in the name of Rational Ethics.
"No ice hockey," they said. "No football. No beer. Everyone in bed by eleven at night, please."
The inevitable result? Revolution. No way, ultimately, to thwart those dreams of ice hockey, of sharpened blades, of blood glistening on the glittering ice. The revolutionaries used a stolen alien space drive to trigger a massive solar eruption which killed ninety per cent of the human race, but effectively threw the Glish Galzish off balance and allowed the revolutionaries to triumph.
Now the invincible starships of the Fans of Sport are fanning out from planet Earth, and the appalled civilizations of the ethicalized are falling before them, unable to contend against the true barbarians -- against the horror, the horror.


Meeting My Agent

So we get together in this restaurant in the World Trade Center, and Ronnie gives me the bad news about the proposal.
"No," says Ronnie.
Just like that. Flat no.
"Why?" I say.
Thinking to myself: I need the advance, you bastard!
"It's just not credible," said Ronnie. "They out the spy? For, like ... what's the word? Pique?"
"Yeah," I say. "It's refreshing, original."
"No," says Ronnie. "It's not original. It's nutso. The government doesn't out its own spies. We don't betray our own side, not without, you know, motivation. Someone sells out for a million bucks, something like that."
"But that's what makes this so original," I say. "I've created unique monsters. They've disconnected from ... what can I call it? The protocols of necessity, shall we say. Make sense?"
"No," says Ronnie. "It doesn't."
"The smallest thing," I persist. "The smallest thing, they'll set it up so people are killed, tortured, thrown in jail ... they out her, it's headline news, her contacts get rounded up -"
"Yeah, yeah, sticks in orifices," says Ronnie, impatiently, cutting me off. "That's your problem. You're just wacko. You're just too much into this stuff. I mean, this is one sick fantasy. People getting disappeared, beaten up, deported off to these, these - "
"Torture camps. The overseas torture camps."
"Yeah, that. And the bit about the guy with the gunshot wounds ...."
"That's just how I see it," I protest. "You know my ethos."
"Yeah, yeah," says Ronnie. "The reality thing. But you gotta accept, this isn't reality, this is just, like I said, just -"
"My demented imagination."
"Yeah, that."
And, five minutes later, Ronnie is gone. Leaving me with the bill for the dead duck and the oyster shells. Alone in the restaurant, looking out at the view of the blue sky and an airplane.


…and to finish off, here’s two by Jared Axelrod…


Invaded

We think large. We may be small creatures to you, but our lives extend far beyond the miniscule moments you possess. We think large, and we think long.
Have you ever looked at a mosquito, closely? It’s a strange shape, all hunched over and crooked. Even by your insect standards, it is a bizarre creature. And you never realized. It’s one of the few insects that survive your winters. Did you ever wonder why?
It was us, of course. We didn’t have to do much; it was already such a glorious creature. And what with that penetrating…what’s the word? Oh, there it is. Proboscis. Lovely word. Proboscis. What with that proboscis, we had the perfect conveyance.
Naturally, you were still too great in number, so a certain degree of population destruction, a bit of “shock and awe,” if you will, was necessary. What was it you called it? Malaria? How…quaint. If the boys in the infantry don’t already know what you call them, I’ll have to tell them. Sounds like a girl you used to have sex with, doesn’t it? “I just met a girl named Malaria…” The things you people think up.
And all this time, you blamed the mosquitoes! Not totally, I see. You called them “carriers.” Too true. What does that make you then, I wonder?
I do apologize for all the mucous that clogged your throat and sinuses, the aching of your muscles, your general weakness for the past few days. I can see that you thought it was a just a cold, but I feel the need to own up. We’ve become so close, after all. It was me. Your nervous system is surprisingly hard to operate.
Tell you what, before we meet up with the rest of the invasion fleet, let’s go find a girl that arouses you and have sex with it. First one we find, huh? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, boy?
Look, I’m trying to be nice, here. I don’t have to be.
After all, your world is ours. From the first time you coughed, you had already lost.


How Much Will You Take?

With each stroke of the knife, I knew he loved me.
It started with my nipples, him telling me how much he loved me and how sexy I would look without them. He touched my face as he did it, cooing and kissing my forehead and telling me how much he loved me. He kissed away every one of my tears and held me within his powerful arms as I bled.
For six weeks there was no mention of knives. My heart leapt every time he looked at me, a joy and longing in his eyes. The six weeks after I gave up my nipples were quite possibly the happiest of my entire life.
But the seventh and eighth and ninth passed, and he grew distant, moody. He would spend nights away from the house and return drunken and grumbling. One night, I asked what was wrong, and what I could do to help him.
And so the knives came out again.
He shaved my head, including my eyebrows that night. Soon after, all of my hair from my body was removed through his amateur electrolysis. He took off my nose with one clean slice and, using a device I didn’t recognize, sealed up the wound and made it smooth to the touch, as if nothing had ever been there. I could only breathe through my mouth, and told him so, panicking. He just smiled, kissed the smoothness in the center of my face, and told me I was beautiful.
My toes and fingers took nearly two months, one joint at a time. He took similar relish with each of my teeth. He said he was sad when he went for my crotch, but I saw how happy his eyes were and how his hands shook with arousal as he smoothed out my groin.
He used that same device to seal off my sockets after he cut out my eyes. He also used it to fuse my ass cheeks, and later, my mouth leaving only a small hole in each case. I heard him laugh and tell me how sexy I looked. He kissed me all over, and made jokes about how easy it would now be to confuse my two ends. He sounded so happy.
One night -- or what I assumed was night, at the very least -- he drew a heart on my smooth chest with his finger. He told me it meant “I love you.” Then he cut off my ears.
Between long stretches of nothing, I would suck vitamin-enriched water from a straw he would press against lips and feel his strong fingers all over what was left of my naked body. I was too weak to react physically, but I reveled in his touch and the way traced that heart on my chest over and over. My life was spent this way, waiting for these moments.
It is difficult to love a being from another planet, but there are sacrifices to be made in every relationship. And now my alien lover will never leave me.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Do Y'all Get This?




Ok, so I'm really, really pissed off this week, with basically everything about me and my life. People disappoint me, I feel like study, work and hell, even breathing, are a waste of time, I don't want to leave the house or eat or talk to anyone... and when I bring myself to blog about it I just can't seem to articulate it.

What about you lot? Is it easier to write when you're calm and lucid or when you're spitting tacks?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Fingers

These fingers of mine,
Neither slim nor long,
Neither manly nor strong
Nonetheless suffice
To service my vice.
The shower affords me
A suitable place
To invite my disgrace,
My fingers to employ
With horrible joy.
These fingers aren’t pretty
But neither am I,
We’re ideally suited,
These fingers and I.
Come fingers, I long now
To feel you within,
Punish me, purge me
Of gluttonous sin.
Come, fingers, now bring me
That I crave and yet loathe -
The hideous bliss of your
Rape of my throat.

-DannyR

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Social and Environmental Consequences of Current Global Trends in Food Production and Consumption

By DannyR

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

The following will focus on the social and environmental consequences of global food production and consumption trends, arguing that widespread reliance on convenience food, both for preparation within the home and for personal consumption away from home, has dire social and environmental consequences, including environmental degradation, loss of community, pervasive poor health from excessive consumption in developed nations and, perversely, widespread malnourishment and disease in developing nations. The essay first describes the historical shift from household self-sufficiency to supermarket shopping, the consumption of convenience foods and comfort-eating, outlining the consequences of this shift for individual health and the environment and noting that the social and environmental effects are often intertwined. We argue that the root of the problem is essentially social, and conclude that in order to rectify the environmental problem it is in fact necessary to address the social concerns.

‘Convenience food’ may be defined as “the domestic outsourcing of food planning, preparation and/or cooking” (Dixon et al., 2006, p.635). People in developed nations are growing and preparing their own food less frequently because packaged foods are seen to be more convenient (Thomas, 2006, p.4). Convenience foods are marketed as a way to overcome time shortages (Dixon et al., 2006, p.638). Americans spend almost half of their food dollars on meals outside the home (Goldberg & Gunasti, 2007, p.172). We can make a distinction between the convenient food that is purchased for preparation in the home and that which is purchased for consumption outside the home. The former involves foods that are packaged for easy storage, preparation and consumption, whether the food item requires heating or cooking or not. The latter represents a broader category, including food that is purchased at restaurants, bakeries and cafes, but also individually wrapped single portions that may be purchased from ‘fast food’ establishments, small convenience outlets and grocery stores. Common to both categories, however, is the problem of the disposal of packaging materials after consumption. These materials vary from recyclable tins, glass jars and cardboard boxes and to more heavily processed packaging that meshes foil, paper and wax or plastic.

There has been a historical shift from people growing their own food and selling their surplus to a relatively smaller number of people producing and preparing foods to sell on the market, which has in turn led to expansion of the availability of convenience foods in the 20th Century, in restaurants, service stations, vending machines, cafes and more, but especially in fast-food restaurants (Dixon et al., 2006, p.637). This historical shift is described by Dixon et al. (2006, pp.634-645), who note that although conventional wisdom places its origins in European cities in the Middle-Ages with street vendors and continues that the trend became more deeply entrenched as the industrial revolution drew ever-greater numbers of people into the cities in pursuit of work, in fact there is a rich tradition of convenience foods the world over. Nevertheless, the shift has been observed within Western nations, and the ascendancy of the West has brought about a new and pervasive convenience food culture. The transition to this convenience food culture has been motivated largely by the time constraints imposed upon individuals by shifts in the nature of paid work, and by time and space limitations brought about by changes in housing due to increasing urbanisation and the trend toward fewer people owning their own properties.

The nature of work has gradually changed over the course of the 20th Century, largely as a result of globalisation and technological innovation. This had the effect of relocating the working class into positions within the ‘service sector,’ positions which are largely part-time or casual, increasing the hardship faced by the majority of workers, creating redundancies and increasing the demand for welfare assistance (McLennan et al., 2004, pp.296-297). More and more families needed a dual income to cope with expenses, and so increasingly women entered the job market (Labrum, 2000, pp.190-191). Women’s increased participation in the workforce has contributed to the increased popularity of convenience foods and the reliance on supermarkets; the weakening of the gendered division of labour in the home has meant that people have less time to grow and prepare their own food (Dixon et al., 2006, p.638). Supermarkets are ‘convenient’ because of the wide range of products available, easy parking, long opening hours and their ability to undercut competitors in prices (Scarpello et al., 2009, p.112).

Similarly, increasing urbanisation since the industrial revolution and suburbanisation since World War II with the accompanying problems of motorway gridlock, air and water pollution, and cramped living conditions has meant that people have less time and space with which to tend their own crops on which to subsist (McLennan et al., 2004, pp.40, 175-176). Even in rural settings, however, people obtain the bulk of their food from supermarkets (Scarpello et al., 2009, p.111), indicating that the expectations we have of the food we purchase have increased. The affluent in the Western world have come to expect convenience, taste, variety and the highest quality fresh foods, available all year round. These expectations have led to the transportation of foodstuffs across vast distances, often around the globe, and this combined with the increased awareness of food contamination in the 20th Century has led to an increase in food packaging.

Food that is transported great distances needs to be packaged to minimise nutrient loss and spoiling. Fresh foods that people buy in supermarkets are often nutritionally inferior, they have been transported great distances and are not at their best when purchased; they are also less nutritious than they once were because the way that we farm reduces genetic diversity, relies on pesticides and strips the land of its nutrients (Thomas, 2006, p.4). Packaging of foodstuffs has therefore assumed an added importance; Gvozdenovic et al. (1997, pp.529-536) note that appropriate packing prolongs a foodstuff’s shelf-life and ensures a high-quality product. They describe the optimum packaging for the transportation and long-term storage of foodstuffs as the collective or individual wrapping food items in inert atmosphere or a specially concocted mixture of gasses, sealed with the most appropriate combination of packaging materials for the particular foodstuff. The intention is to create a barrier between the food item and any contamination in the external world, but also to limit the movement of carbon dioxide, oxygen and nitrogen molecules to and from the product and thereby reduce spoiling. The barrier is almost invariably achieved through the employment of PET/PE plastics or multilayer high-barrier cling-foil, the latter being the most convenient for the preservation of foodstuffs.

Odunze et al. (2008, pp.114-117) note that convenient or packaged foods have a number of benefits for consumers, they save time, are easy to store, reduce food wastage and make the task of food preparation easier. The authors note that the pre-packaged, pre-priced goods available in supermarkets somewhat compensate for the reduced time that is available to women for queuing in stores and cooking breakfast meals as a result of increasing urbanisation. Using a surveys and interviews, the authors find that consumers prefer plastic food packaging to metal, glass or paper, particularly because of the ease of opening the packaging and the readability of nutritional information on such packaging.

The way we relate to food in the Western world has fundamentally changed. Food is quicker and easier to prepare than ever before, and as a result people are eating more frequently (Anand & Gray, 2009, p.183), eating larger servings (Dixon et al., 2006, p.635), and choosing “nutritionally inferior convenience foods” high in additives, salts, fats and sugars (Thomas, 2006, p.4). Alongside the growth of supermarkets and other providers of convenient foods for preparation in the home, another trend has emerged in the Western world. Increasingly, ever more refined ‘fast’ or ‘junk’ foods are being purchased and consumed; people are eating less food prepared in the home (Dixon et al., 2006, p.635). Total sugar additive consumption has gone up significantly since 1985 (Pollan, 2006, p.104), Americans now drink twice the amount of soda that they do water (Assadorian, 2002, pp.140-141). In recent years fast-food restaurants have also encouraged customers to ‘super-size’ their meals, delivering even greater quantities of unnecessary fats, salts and sugars (Goldberg & Gunasti, 2007, p.171). Leahy (1999, pp.52-76) argues that whereas once the individual’s sense of purpose and meaning was derived from the work they did, now to survive in Western societies such individuals must work at some remove from their product and as a result must derive that sense of fulfilment from the items they consume. Consumers in industrialised nations are thus ‘alienated workers’ who purchase luxuries as compensation or reward for work they derive little satisfaction from, sparing little thought for the consequences of their purchasing decisions.

Importantly, this trend towards consuming junk foods is not evenly distributed throughout Western populations but rather reflects the growing divisions in the West between rich and poor. People in lower-income socio-economic brackets and ethnic minorities are more likely to subsist on convenience foods and fast foods in particular as these are simply more affordable (Gittelsohn & Sharma, 2009, p.161; Goldberg & Gunasti, 2007, p.162). It is also an issue of accessibility. Car ownership is not so prevalent in lower income brackets, making transportation of large quantities of foodstuffs from supermarkets difficult. Minority ethnic communities around the world have sometimes been ghettoized within cities or placed on reserves and consequently are often at some physical distance from food retailers that offer varied, healthful food alternatives (Gittelsohn & Sharma, 2009, p.164, McLennan et al., 2004, p.176). In sum, our purchasing decisions reflect our positioning within society. These purchasing decisions have social and environmental consequences, however, and it is to these that we now turn our attention.
Of the social consequences of Western patterns of consumption, let us first consider the global inequalities they create and sustain. Leahy (1999, pp.52-76) argues that to compete within an increasingly global market economy, the global capitalist class, those very few who own the means of production and are among the wealthiest persons in the developed nations, must base the production and supply of commodities such as food from places where labour and resources are cheapest, which is most commonly the developing world. In order to survive, the global poor, located mostly in those developing nations, must damage local ecological systems to make room for the production of cash crops or luxuries that the developed nations cannot provide themselves due to industrialisation and urbanisation.

Leahy (1999, pp.52-76). argues that because traditional, sustainable agricultural practices such as polyculture and companion planting are costly in terms of labour and time, they are increasingly giving way to unsustainable and ecologically damaging practices such as overgrazing, monoculture, and the use of chemical fertilizers and pesticides as producers strive to be competitive. Leahy further describes the environmental and socio-economic impacts of outsourcing developed nations’ food supply, noting in particular the transition in developing nations from individuals producing sufficient food for local consumption to the production of largely luxury consumables for international trade, at the expense of local prosperity. The world’s poor have less protein to survive on, as fish stocks are being diverted to provide non-food commodities for the world’s rich, particularly animal food and oils and cosmetics (Sarin, 2003, pp.88-89).

Let us also consider the social consequences of Western patterns of consumption that are observable closer to home, beginning with the health of the individuals within Western societies. There are alarming obesity trends in the affluent western world, as many as 60% of adults in Australia are obese; this is of great concern because obesity is correlated with a number of chronic and debilitating conditions, including adult-onset diabetes, cardiovascular disease, musculoskeletal problems and cancer (Dixon et al., 2006, p.634). Other health risks associated with obesity include high cholesterol, high blood pressure and asthma (Goldberg & Gunasti, 2007, p.162) as well as sleep apnoea, incontinence, and more seriously a shortened lifespan and even dementia (Anand & Gray, 2009, pp.182-183).

High soda consumption, particularly, is largely responsible for childhood and adult obesity and adult-onset diabetes (Herro, 2007). The substitution of soda for milk and other healthy alternatives contributes to the prevalence of obesity in a population and causes dietary deficiencies; particularly of calcium, causing osteoporosis and tooth decay, especially as soda is generally consumed between meals and so leaves residues in the mouth for longer (Assadorian, 2002, pp.140-141). There are also distressing psychological effects of obesity for those affected (Dixon et al., 2006, p.634). In fact, the increasing prevalence of a number of psychological disorders and mental health problems, including depression and ADHD, can be attributed to poor nutrition, while other disorders that are more or less evenly distributed worldwide, such as schizophrenia, are aggravated by diets high in fats and sugars (Thomas, 2006, p.4).

Dixon et al. (2006, pp.634-645) describe what they term the ‘obesogenic environment;’ this being “the surroundings, opportunities and conditions of life [which] promote obesity in individuals and populations.” They identify the ready availability of convenience foods as a significant factor in these trends, combined with the high energy-density of such foods and beverages and the aggressive and pervasive marketing of these products. Other factors include the normalisation of individual consumption in isolation and the reduction of traditional communal consumption, the use of food as a psychological balm for loneliness, depression and low self-esteem, and the institution of ‘round-the-clock’ grazing patterns in place of regular meal times. Consumption, the authors note, has become “disembedded” from social conventions, becoming dictated by market forces rather than community norms.
Furthermore, the reliance on convenience food results in people losing the capacity to plan and prepare their own meals, losing their understanding of the nutritional properties of the foods eaten, and losing control over serving sizes. As we have already noted, it is primarily the less affluent in Western societies who are most likely to rely on junk foods for their subsistence, given the cost-effectiveness of doing so in an increasingly globalised, technologically-driven and poverty-creating society. The poor are therefore at most risk of the ill-health effects of such subsistence.

The biggest risk associated with convenience food culture, however, affects both rich and poor alike. 200 million tons of synthetic plastics are produced annually, and 12 million tons goes into packaging for foodstuffs (Rhim & Ng, 2007, p.411). Petrochemical-based food packaging materials do not degrade easily in the environment and constitute a significant risk to human health, animal life and the environment (Odunze et al., 2008, pp.114-117). Convenience food culture encourages the manufacture of packaging products that persist for many hundreds of years, bleeding toxic chemicals into soils and waterways, choking natural habitats and posing a significant risk to wildlife. Supermarkets are largely responsible for the excessive distribution of plastic shopping bags, while junk foods and sodas are excessively packaged and their disposal is equally problematic (Assadorian, 2002, pp.140-141). The packaging of convenience foods often cannot be broken down easily and is left to accumulate in landfill. Much of it is merely discarded without thought and ends up in the environment, killing fish and animals.

To illustrate; marine debris, being any processed or manufactured product that enters the world’s oceans and waterways, is one of the biggest environmental problems yet to be properly addressed, and a significant percentage of such debris is comprised of food, beverage and tobacco packaging (Sheavly & Register, 2007, pp.301-302, 304). Humans have been using the ocean as a dumping ground for centuries (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.301), which perhaps did not constitute a significant problem when the human population was smaller and when such litter was overwhelmingly organic and biodegradable. But the nature of this waste has changed as humans have come to rely increasingly on synthetic materials, particularly in food packaging, resulting in solid waste that may persists in the environment for hundreds or even thousands of years. Non-biodegradable, convenience food items such as plastic soda bottles, cling film and polystyrene containers are now common features of many rivers, lakes and estuaries. When discarded into the ocean, these items can travel great distances on currents, being by their very nature buoyant and hardy, thus posing risks to far greater numbers of marine life and ecosystems than those in the locale of their initial disposal (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.301). Although much of this debris floats, it affects wildlife and ecosystems below the surface as well (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.302). Entanglement poses major risks for marine wildlife. Sheavly and Register (2007, pp.302-303) describe some of these risks: marine organisms may be strangled or drowned by human waste materials, or their mobility may become impaired by an injury incurred through contact with such materials, meaning that they cannot pursue prey or escape from predators. Debris may become caught in their mouths, meaning that they are unable to eat and so starve to death.

Ingestion is another significant concern; a number of human waste items may resemble prey species for marine organisms. Sheavly and Register (2007, p.303) make particular note of plastic shopping bags, which are sometimes mistaken for jellyfish by turtles and which then become lodged in the turtles’ digestive tracts causing death. In addition to posing dangers to individual organisms, marine debris threatens entire ecosystems. Where floating marine debris accumulates, it can cause serious ecological disruption by reducing the sunlight that penetrates the water and thus impacting the local food chain; furthermore, floating marine debris can be a means of transport for species across oceans, resulting in new species being introduced to habitats which may then decimate local populations (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.303).

Sheavly and Register (2007, p.302) stress that approximately eighty percent of all marine debris was discarded not in the oceans, but on land; food wrappings and other waste materials that are poorly disposed of eventually find their way into rivers and streams by means of sewers and storm-drains or are transported there by wind and rain, and once again we find that dense urban populations are the worst offenders (Sheavly& Register, 2007, p.302). Public littering is a major contributor to land-based marine debris, and much of this is plastic food wrapping, a significant portion of this waste is therefore a direct result of the prevailing convenience food culture (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.302). Little research has been done on the eventual fate of synthetic micro-fibres that enter marine ecosystems or on the effects on aquatic habitats and ecosystems of the accumulation and dispersion of toxins found in plastics (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.303), and yet as findings on their impact on human health illustrate, it is unlikely that the effects are benign.

Human health is affected by marine debris, there is evidence that contact with water contaminated by discarded packaging items often leads to outbreaks of illnesses such as cholera, typhoid, hepatitis, diarrhoea and dysentery (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.302). More insidious still, the toxic chemicals and synthetic micro-fibres in such items find their way into the marine food chain, and are eventually ingested by humans through fisheries. There is some evidence that coming into contact with these petrochemicals has negative effects on human health. Once in the human body, these synthetic particles and toxic chemicals damage the internal organs, resulting in poor health. It is also plausible that certain congenital birth defects may be attributable to parental exposure to petrochemicals. For example, phthalate esters found in much plastic packaging have been demonstrated to be harmful to the reproductive system of the human male, deforming the reproductive tract in developing males and inhibiting testosterone production (Benson, 2009).

As with marine wildlife, so with humans; the effects of environmental pollution affect not just individuals, but entire communities. In addition to its detrimental effect on ecosystems, marine debris also has aesthetic and economic impacts, as many coastal communities depend on tourism for income (Sheavly & Register, 2007, p.302). The example of marine debris serves to illustrate that the adverse environmental and social consequences of convenience food culture are interlinked, consumer choices have environmental costs. It is hardly unreasonable to suppose that understandings of such environmental and human interdependence apply in most if not all other contexts. And yet it seems that our consumer lifestyles and reliance on convenient food are deeply entrenched, perhaps too deeply to amend? Certainly Leahy (1999, pp.52-76) would seem to suggest that the consumption of food for comfort and entertainment is an inevitable aspect of an alienating economic system.

Rhim (2007, pp.691-709) notes, however, that the negative environmental effects of non-biodegradable petrochemical-based plastic packaging materials and consumer's increasing demand for high quality food products have not gone unnoticed, and that biodegradable, renewable alternatives are being sought. Rhim notes that such efforts have been faced with “major limitations” however, in that the natural polymer-based packaging materials that have been developed as an alternative have “inherent shortcomings,” such as comparatively poor durability, resilience and water resistance. Simply put, they fail to protect and preserve foodstuffs to the standard expected by consumers. Advances are being made, however; industrial interest in the use of natural biopolymers in food packaging has been somewhat rekindled by the recent development of nanocomposite technologies. Rhim (2007, pp.691-709) notes that natural biopolymer-layered silicate nanocomposites go some way to eliminating the aforementioned packaging limitations, exhibiting increased mechanical strength, decreased gas permeability, and increased water resistance. These biodegradable alternatives to conventional plastic packaging materials may go some way to eliminating the deleterious effects of the accumulation of toxic packaging materials in delicate ecosystems.

What then is to be done? Some favour a legislative approach; one proposed solution to the problem of consumers making poor choices is increased taxation of junk food and soda producers, and the funnelling of the revenue from these taxes into countering the advertising of their products, or to ban them from advertising their products (Assadorian, 2002, pp.140-141). Anand and Gray (2009, pp.186-189) call for the creation of a deliberative economy, in which expert knowledge undergirds government intervention in providing an optimal range of choices for consumers. Others, recognising the poor quality of fresh foods that have been transported internationally and the global inequalities that such economic activity perpetuates, now advocate buying only local and organic produce, correctly surmising that ethical purchasing can help reduce the environmental impact of current patterns of food production. Yet all these approaches fail to address the underlying inequalities that shape consumer choices, the fact remains that healthier, organic foods tend to be more expensive and are thus out of the reach of those who rely most on convenient food, the urban poor.

Solutions are also proposed for the remedying of specific aspects of the issue, such as the influx of packaging wastes into the environment and the poor nutritional quality and ill-health effects of convenience foods, but these also fail in that they do not address more fundamental causative patterns of behaviour. To illustrate, for the reduction of marine debris, Sheavly and Register (2007, pp.304-305) advocate greater education of consumers as to the long-term effects of littering, noting that each piece of litter represents one individual’s poor waste-disposal decision, and thus “In a way, it can be said that every piece of debris has human fingerprints on it”. But is this enough? Would it not rather be preferable to challenge consumers’ harmful convenience-food lifestyles? Dixon et al. (2006) describe the increasing trend towards functional, pharmaceutically altered foods, or ‘phoods’ in reaction to the increasing recognition of the poor health and nutritional qualities of convenience foods, but are sceptical of its effectiveness because nothing is being done to challenge society’s overwhelming reliance on convenience foods.

A growing number of individuals now advocate the creation of alternative economies and a reliance on community gardens and ‘freeganism’ or ‘dumpster-diving,’ the eating of expired but good quality food that is discarded daily by supermarkets. Such ‘radical’ measures may succeed in challenging the assumptions that many in Western societies have about food quality, and are to be applauded. Certainly in urban environments there may be few other alternatives to convenience food culture. Significant and lasting change is only likely to come about, however, through widespread changes to individual eating habits, through individuals, families and communities growing as much of their own food as possible and coming to understand and appreciate their own dependence upon their environment. Goldberg & Gunasti (2007, p.163) note that the taking of communal and family meals together promotes healthier attitudes towards food, and indeed the near-complete loss of theses practices over the past fifty years has undoubtedly contributed greatly to the maladaptive individual eating habits described above, and to the decline of socially and environmentally healthy families and communities. We must reverse the trend noted by Dixon et al. (2006, pp.634-645) and reconnect the act of eating with social conventions and interactions, and in so doing we may regain greater quality of life and preserve the environment on which we depend for our very existence.

To conclude, as illustrated by the example of marine debris, the health of human individuals and communities is affected by the health of the environment in which it is embedded; human beings do not exist in isolation from the natural world, and thus to remedy man-made environmental problems we must address their underlying social causes. This essay has demonstrated that prevailing Western patterns of convenience food consumption, divorced as they are from both production cycles and from social context, are a significant causative factor in the erosion of both human health and natural environments. Greater awareness and appreciation is needed of the interconnectedness of human life and the natural world, and of the value of social integration.


References


Anand, P. & Gray, A. (2009). Obesity as market failure: Could a ‘deliberative economy’ overcome the problems of paternalism? KYKLOS, 62(2), 182–190.

Assadorian, E. (2002). Soda consumption grows. Vital Signs 2002, pp. 140-141. Worldwatch.

Benson, R. (2009). Hazard to the developing male reproductive system from cumulative exposure to phthalate esters – dibutyl phthalate, diisobutyl phthalate, butylbenzyl phthalate, diethylhexyl phthalate, dipentyl phthalate, and diisononyl phthalate. Regulatory Toxicology and Pharmacology, 53, 90-101.

Dixon, J. M., Hinde, S. J. & Banwell, C. L. (2006). Obesity, convenience and “phood.” British Food Journal, 108(8), pp. 634-645.

Gittelsohn, J. & Sharma, S. (2009). Physical, consumer, and social aspects of measuring the food environment among diverse low-income populations. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 2009, 36(4S), pp.161-165.

Goldberg, M. E. & Gunasti, K. (2007). Creating an environment in which youths are encouraged to eat a healthier diet. Journal of Public Policy & Marketing, 26(2), 162-181.

Gvozdenovic, J., Lazic, V. & Curakovic, M. (1997). New trends in fresh vegetable packing. First Balkan symposium on vegetables and potatoes, Vols. I & II, 1(462), 29-536.

Herro, A. (2007). Can “Dumping Soda” mitigate global obesity trends? Worldwatch Institute. Retrieved 25th May 2009 from http://www.worldwatch.org/node/5492

Labrum, B. (2000). Persistent needs and expanding desires: Pakeha families and
state welfare in the years of prosperity. In B. Dalley and B. Labrum (Eds.). Fragments: New Zealand social and cultural history (pp.188-210). Auckland: Auckland University Press.

Leahy, T. (1999). Food and the environment. In J. Germov & L. Williams (Eds.), A sociology of food and nutrition: The social appetite, (pp.52-76). Melbourne: Oxford University Press.

McLennan, G., Ryan, A. & Spoonley, P. (2004). Family Life. Exploring Society:
Sociology for New Zealand students (2nd Ed.), Pearson Education: New Zealand, pp. 77-95.

Odunze, I. I., Mohammed, A. Z., Ike, E., Onuigbo, P.E. & Shuaibu-Imodagbe, E.M. (2008). Packaged foods, consumption pattern and impact on the environment in Zaria, Nigeria. Journal of Food, Agriculture & Environment, 6(3-4), 114-117.

Pollan, M. (2006). The omnivore’s dilemma: A natural history of four meals. New York: The Penguin Press.

Rhim, J. (2007). Potential use of biopolymer-based nanocomposite films in food
packaging applications. Food science and biotechnology, 16(5), 691-709.

Rhim, J. & Ng, P. K. W. (2007). Natural biopolymer-based nanocomposite films for packaging applications. Critical reviews in food science and nutrition, 47(4), 411-433.

Sarin, R. (2003). Rich-poor divide growing. Vital Signs 2003, pp.88-89. Retrieved 23rd May 2009 from www.worldwatch.org/brain/media/pdf/pubs/vs/2003_rich-poor.pdf

Scarpello, T., Poland, F., Lambert, N. & Wakeman, T. (2009). A qualitative study
of the food-related experiences of rural village shop customers. Journal of Human Nutrition and Dietetics, 22, 108–115.

Sheavly, S. B. & Register, K. M. (2007). Marine Debris & Plastics: Environmental
Concerns, Sources, Impacts and Solutions. J Polym Environ, 15, 301–305.

Thomas, P. (2006). Feeding minds. The Ecologist 6(2), p.28. Retrieved 24th May 2009 from http://www.theecologist.org/pages/archive_detail.asp?content_id=587

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Remembrances and Recriminations: A Year in the Life -- CHAFF 26 2008

So, the last Chaff for the year already!! Wow… the year has just flown by like so many flying monkeys off to terrorise dopey little girls in shiny red shoes and their irritating yappy dogs.

I don’t know about you lot, but for me 08’s been a bit of a rollercoaster… there’ve been plenty of highs, a few lows, some terrifying plungey bits in between and perhaps a bit of puking along the way. It’s got me looking back on the ride, and thinking that a fair bit of what we learn at university isn’t actually in our textbooks and tutorials, it’s what we learn outside of lectures and assignments, in our everyday lives.

So what have I learned this year? Anything??

Well I learned what a Quick Fuck is. The drink, I mean, and how to pour it.

I found out there are dictionaries of sign-language in the library. Seriously – it had never occurred to me that deaf people might occasionally need a dictionary. We live and learn.

I learned the surest way to tell if a guy likes you or not is also the simplest. Girls and homos, listen up. If he likes you, he’ll be physically near you for some reason… he’ll find excuses. If he’s not, he’ll stay away. You can pine and moon over him as much as you like, daydreaming about how perfect he is blah blah, but if he’s not actually around you, it’s a sure bet that he’s not thinking of you the way you’re thinking of him. Guys mostly suck at verbal communication, they avoid it. So if he isn’t sweet on you, or worse, actually doesn’t like you (i.e.: he thinks your breath smells, he draws pictures of you in the back of his books that involve various sharp implements and quantities of blood etc), it won’t come out in his words, he’ll just avoid you. On the other hand, if you see him often, like nearly everyday, if he shows up where he knows you’ll be and grunts, mumbles or stares at you, and if his reason for being there seems really random or silly, that’s almost a guarantee. If he blushes and stammers and stutters around you, that’s another good indication.

I learned that Sarah Silverman is f*cking Matt Damon, that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house and that that constitutes ‘foreign policy’ for Republicans, that you should never trust a unicorn who wants you to visit Candy Mountain and that penguins can’t really fly, despite what David Attenborough would have you believe. Ah, YouTube, solace for the weary and fount of wisdom for the ages…

I’ve learned that people treat you the way you tell them to treat you. You tell them by your body language, facial expression and tone… what you think about yourself comes out in your non-verbal expression, and people pick up on that. If you don’t like you, you can’t expect anyone else to. And if you go around whining, saying “I can’t do this and that,” or “I’m not clever/brave/popular enough,” in a bid to get sympathy, then you shouldn’t be surprised when people accept that at face value. If you don’t look like you believe in your, nobody else will.

What else?? Making sure you get outside for even ten to fifteen minutes, for a walk or whatever at least once a day, does wonders for your stress levels. Even in winter, just taking the time to forget your schedule, your workload and that essay that was due last Thursday, and getting outdoors for some fresh air, can really help alleviate the anxiety. I’ve started walking through the Esplanade on my way to Massey, even though it’s five minutes out of my way, just so I can hear the breeze in the trees, see the flowers (or in winter, the mud) and just forget all the hassles for a few minutes, and it really lifts my mood. I recommend it to anyone – and if you can’t do it on the way to Massey, there are some nice gardens on campus to have a wander through.

I learned that Bebo is soul-destroying and encourages Obsessive Compulsive tendencies.

I discovered that lecturers are people too, not scary ogres hiding away in their offices who will rip your head off and shit down your throat if you dare to ask a question or ask for an extension (well, MOST of them aren’t). A lot of them actually like students coming to see them. Weird, I know.

I’ve learned that if you don't learn to say 'no' then you end up being expected to do everything, in your flat, your club, even with your family and friends. They just assume that you haven’t got anything else to do, or that you’ve got everything else under control. Rather than take on extras which you can’t handle, overwhelming yourself and inevitably letting other people down when it all turns to custard, it’s better to just say ‘No’ from the outset, explaining why, and if they don’t like it then tough. Your mental and emotional well-being is more important.

What’s more, there are people here at Massey to advise and support you when it all goes pear-shaped or gets out of control… the Student Counselling service is great, even if you just need someone to have a good ol’ bitch to, about flatmates, assignments, work, family, whatever. You don’t have to feel that you gotta do it all by yourself. Then there’s the Student Learning Centre too, they can be really useful at the start of a long or difficult assignment, they’ve got tons of helpful tips and they’re pretty friendly. I got some awesome handy tips from them for studying towards my exams last semester.

I learned that The IT Crowd is the most fuck-awesome British sitcom EVER.

I learned that getting past years’ exam-papers off the library catalogue to see what you’re in for is a REALLY good idea. Best to do it near the start of the semester, though, it puts you in the right frame of mind for your assignments and classes, and it gives you a fair idea of what is and isn’t relevant.

Getting people in your classes together to study really helps too… you can go over stuff you’re not clear on if you’re too shy to ask the lecturer, it’s a good way to make friends, and if you’re like me and don’t live with other students, it’s a great way to stay in study mode after classes are done for the day. AND you can use it as an excuse to talk to that girl/guy/ambiguously gendered person that you’re sweet on.

I’ve learned that writing for CHAFF is a great way to spout off poorly-thought-out opinions and be publicly obnoxious, and get away with it (mostly). Good times…

I think I’ll leave it on that note, actually. If you don’t hear from me next year, it’ll be because William has murdered me and buried my body in a field somewhere. In that event, I leave my Furby collection and Britney Spears albums to Cassie.

Peace y’all,

DannyR.

Friday, September 12, 2008

CHAFF Review -- Iron Man


Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges

Grade: A- or 8/10.

I’ve never read an Iron Man comic, so I don’t know if the movie was faithful to its source material or not. I went in expecting just another slick, brainless superhero movie, the likes of Ghost Rider or Fantastic Four, which Hollywood is churning out with such alarming rapidity these days. But the opening scene of Iron Man surprised me – there was no need to consciously suspend the old disbelief because it felt like I was just looking at the real world, albeit a real world much occupied by Robert Downey Jr. The surprises came thick and fast from the outset, I was caught up and swept away. Five minutes in, I was staring up at the screen in disbelief… could this actually be a smart superhero movie?

But superhero movies have a certain predictability built in, don’t they? They all tell essentially the same story, something terrible happens to someone, giving him/her some special ability that confers on him/her an obligation to Protect the Innocent. And sure enough, after twenty minutes, with each new plot development I was able to make a pretty good guess where the story was going. The Bad Guys are profit-hungry, war-mongering Corporations, there’s a monstrous nemesis, a small circle of friends in-the-know, and the rich man who’s made a living off the misery of others grows a conscience… nothing new, and yet the tired old clichés still felt fresh somehow.

I found myself sitting there wondering if this movie would have been made if not for the success of Batman Begins and Transformers… it certainly has some of the feel of both, without the former’s dark, brooding atmosphere or the latter’s relentless Battle-of-the-robotic-Titans conflict. It’s difficult not to compare Iron Man with Batman Begins, especially, they’re both origin stories, both have protagonists who happen to be incredibly wealthy, who suffer personal tragedies that wake them up to the cruel world, both spend time creating formidable suits of war with which they will put Wrong to Right, yadda yadda, etc etc.

Robert Downey Jr.’s little moments of comedy were what made this movie for me. The movie’s Wikipedia page says he is a fan of the comic, and it shows. He poked fun at his character and the superhero genre throughout, his technological marvel breaking down in all sorts of amusing ways. His dialogue and delivery felt completely natural and ad-lib, it was witty and glib, there were none of the usual gasps of ‘You’re insane!’ directed at the villain, and not once did I feel the plot was being explained to me as if I was too stupid to get what was happening (most superhero movies do this – “I have to stop him from firing the missile launcher at the President’s jet!” etc). The robo-suit itself was pretty cool; the CGI blended seamlessly with pyrotechnic and robotic effects and there were some genuinely affecting moments. Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t suck. That is to say, I didn’t want to grind her face into the pavement every time I saw her, which is a refreshing first for me.

I don’t have many gripes with this film… the big bad villain didn’t feel threatening enough, perhaps, and the Final Conflict wasn’t all that epic. I was disappointed by the film’s portrayal of the only foreign-nationals in it… they happened to be Afghani, oppressed and terrorised by militant fundamentalists, and in need of rescuing by the good ol’ U.S of A… Only one of the locals in Afghanistan wasn’t having a gun thrust in his face or doing the gun-thrusting to his fellow countrymen, and he very soon died, but not without helping the shallow protagonist discover his conscience. Maybe not such a big deal, but it smacked of stereotype.

Overall, I really enjoyed this film, it’s got it’s flaws, but it’s one of the better examples of its genre and a damn sight better than most of the other superhero crap Hollywood puts out, with the exception of Batman Begins and maybe Spiderman 2. Check it out.

Danny Rudd

Thursday, August 21, 2008

CHAFF Review -- Prince Caspian



Directed by Andrew Adamson, Starring Ben Barnes, Georgie Henley, Liam Neeson.

Grade: B+ or 8/10

I came into this second Narnia movie really expecting to dislike it, given my reaction to the first film which, while undeniably stylish and clever, and somewhat redeemed by the amazing Tilda Swinton, was nevertheless a blatant attempt to shove Christian theology down the audience’s throats. That was certainly Lewis’s intent, and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe was remarkably faithful to it. Shuddering slightly, I expected much the same of Prince Caspian.

I was pleasantly surprised. The theology is there but it’s a lot more subtle, more a subtext that is gently brought up at a couple of points, it’s not nearly so intrusive. The story is allowed to take precedence, and it’s a better film for it. Aslan’s words to the ever-faithful Lucy, that “Things never happen the same way twice,” can be read either as a dig at doubters of miracles, as an invitation to suspend disbelief and revel in the fantastic, or as a hint that this movie won’t be anything like the first.

And it isn’t. From almost the very first frame, this second Narnia film more closely resembles an installment of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings than the shiny, bright The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It’s visually much darker than its predecessor, and there are plenty of visual references to Jackson’s films, the most obvious being the lone hero on horseback racing across the plains, pursued by an arrowhead of dastardly foes. There’s the sweeping vistas, giant war machines and elaborate battle scenes, topped off with a whole lot of Nature getting angry.

The score was sometimes brilliant and evocative, sometimes a little irritating. The script was actually really good, and the leads were satisfactory in their roles, especially Caspian himself and his wicked uncle Miras. Oldest Pevensie child Peter is just as whiny and boring as he was in the first film, but he does get a brilliantly shot duel scene with the intimidating Miras. He’s completely outshone by younger brother Edmund however, who gets all the best lines and more interesting things to do.

I was more interested in how the film handled the girl’s roles, especially after Wardrobe, where they pretty much just sat on the sidelines and cried a lot. Here, Lucy can be seen to represent either the value of lion-hearted faith or a sense of optimism and wonder at the world, while older sister Susan is a woman of action, front and centre in all the big fight sequences and assertive in her relationships. Particularly refreshingly, there’s no inherently good and bad ‘us’ and ‘them’ of different races and peoples here, a definite improvement on the previous film and the books on which the films are based.

There were a couple of genuinely affecting moments scattered throughout all the action, some pretty frightening scenes that will probably give little kids nightmares for a while to come, and some light humour provided by Eddie Izzard as a talking mouse. I personally loved Adamson’s subtle visual nod to his Shrek films, involving a certain ginger cat. It’s as if with this film Adamson is saying “Watch out people, Narnia is going to be big.” And that might not be such a scary prospect after all.

Danny R.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Good Slut, Bad Slut -- CHAFF 2008



When I chose my life of polyamory, I was desperately worried that my friends would think I was some sort of sex-obsessed selfish pervert, and judging by some of their initial reactions, my fears weren’t entirely unjustified. So I made sure I distanced myself from all those nasty notions of ‘bad’ sluttery we’re all so familiar with; I was the very model of the ‘Ethical Slut.’

What do I mean by that? What is polyamory? Well, it’s a complex, difficult thing to define, but at its most basic it’s a commitment to romantic or sexual relationships that aren’t exclusive. In other words, you may have a relationship with your partner, and he or she may have another partner or more than one, and so might you. You might belong to a triple, instead of the more conventional couple we’re all used to, or even a quad. You might all share a house, or may live in separate homes, dividing your time between partners. Sounds wack, right? But polyamorists will tell you it’s only natural, that the lifelong exclusive romantic relationship we’ve all come to expect in the Western world is a cultural invention, and we can actually choose what works best for us each individually.

There’s a whole new language of relationships being worked out to deal with the complexities of polyamory… it gets pretty complicated. There’s your Primary Partner(s), the person or persons with whom you are in your most significant relationship, then there’s your Secondary and even Tertiary partners with whom you have slightly less involved relationships. To clarify – polyamory isn’t just a being in a couple that fools around a bit on the side, like ‘swinging,’ because you can actually have more than one Primary Partner (i.e.: everyone’s on the same footing), such as in a Triangle relationship. And it gets more complicated than that… your relationship can be closed (i.e.: nobody new can be brought in – that’s called Polyfidelity) or open to anyone (what some polyamorists jokingly call Polyfuckery).

The important point here, the REALLY important bit, is that it’s all honest and consensual – everyone involved knows what’s going on, and is free to participate or not. In other words, it’s NOT ‘cheating,’ because no agreements are being broken. In fact, polyamory is all about honest communication, negotiation and respect for the people you’re involved with. It’s NOT a traditional polygamous harem, where one man has several women at his beck and call (the stereotypical straight-boy dream), in fact, if you go onto any polyamory website you’ll find women are pursuing non-monogamous relationships just as much as men are, and that they’re happy calling the shots*.

Polyamorists say they’re just being realistic, that the Number One relationship hang-up in the Western world is ‘cheating’ and being ‘cheated on,’ that dishonesty around non-monogamy is widespread and wrecks a lot of otherwise good relationships, and that they’re just accepting human nature for what it is and moving past all the guilt and hurt by dealing with the issues in ways that are respectful and honest. They don’t think polyamory is right for everyone, they stress that it’s NOT a fix for a bad relationship (in fact it’ll just make a bad relationship worse), and they point out that it takes work – LOTS of work, and good communication skills. In fact, think of all the work that goes into a monogamous relationship, and multiply that by the number of partners in the poly relationship, and that should be enough to put you off, right? But even so, polyamorists will tell you it’s worth it, that “love shared is love multiplied.”



The polyamorist is careful to mention that it’s about love, not sex, and very often they reject labels like heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual when talking about themselves because those terms lead people to focus on the nookie – who gets it, with whom, and how often. Poly people frequently point out that they often have fewer sexual partners than people who practise serial monogamy, and that sometimes their relationships don’t even involve sex at all. A lot of polyamorists say that friendship IS a kind of polyamory… we don’t expect our friends not to have other friends, we accept that they might not want exactly the same things as we do, we let them live and grow and learn from others. It takes a lot of trust, great communication skills, and a willingness to tackle the hard stuff head on (like jealousy and insecurity).

The long and the short of it is that people who practice polyamory make a distinction between what they do and what people generally think of when they think about non-monogamy, which is dishonesty, deception, and rampant, indiscriminate promiscuity. Look at us, poly people say, we’re respectable!!

In other words, they don’t want to look like the ‘bad’ slut.

Who is this ‘bad’ slut? We’re all familiar with her/him. S/he is villainized in television, movies and popular song, because s/he has casual sexual relationships that don’t involve love, whether through ‘cheating,’ swinging, or just good ol’ fashioned promiscuous singlehood. The ‘bad’ slut ISN’T someone who cheats on a partner because s/he’s met someone s/he likes better and then leaves the first partner for the second, that’s pretty commonplace these days and, while hurtful, is generally accepted as just doing serial monogamy badly. No, the ‘bad’ slut is usually female (when it’s a guy his whoring around is usually celebrated – double standards people!!), s/he’s someone who enjoys sex for the sake of it and is happy to have it outside of relationships. And in our contemporary culture, that’s just not on.

Sociologists tell us that this state of affairs was set up by heterosexual couples hundreds of years ago, when romantic love stopped being just an adulterous liaison in the royal courts of Europe and started being seen (in the West at least) as a good basis for marriage. It’s not too much of a jump from sex as an expression of love within marriage to sex as an expression of love before marriage, as long as the two people do actually intend to get married. And from that it’s no big step to sex as an expression of love without marriage ever actually entering the equation, and to loving sexual relations between people of the same sex who aren’t allowed to get married. But it’s a much bigger jump from this kind of sex as part of a loving, intimate relationship to sex just for the fun of it, outside of a relationship, with whoever we want to have it with. That’s why promiscuity is still frowned on, why gay and lesbian couples can be together and be respectable and accepted, as long as they keep the sex in relationships.

As a culture, we don’t like people having casual sex, we tend to think it’s something you grow out of, or happily give up when you meet “the One.” Even recent shows like Sex and the City, for all their boasting of being about empowered women enjoying their sexuality, ultimately preach the old lesson that the most satisfying and fulfilled sex life is one that leads (even in the most roundabout way) to the traditional “Happily Ever After.” Maybe that’s what’s behind the recent rise in the popularity of polyamory: it’s non-monogamy, but it’s still playing by the rules. Kinda.

But there’s a problem with polyamorists calling themselves the “Ethical Sluts.” It implies that polyamory is the only ethical non-monogamy, it implies that people who are happy to enjoy sex outside of committed relationships are incapable of being honest with or respectful of their sexual partners. Essentially it reinforces all those old notions about the ‘bad’ slut, condemning all those whose non-monogamy takes other forms, such as the open marriage, friends-with-benefits or fuck-buddies, or sexually active but confirmed singledom.

Personally, I’m happiest in committed emotional relationships with at most two or three people, whether or not it involves sex. But I have plenty of friends who similarly aren’t the monogamous type, who don’t identify as polyamorous, and who are quite capable of being responsible and considerate of their sexual partners’ feelings and bodies. And then I have those weird and wonderful friends who are somewhere-in-between, being in honest, committed triples, quads etc, and still “playing the field.” Good on them, I say, if that’s what makes them happiest.

And yes, I have plenty of friends in exclusive, monogamous partnerships who are perfectly happy that way, and I’m perfectly happy for them too. I cry at their weddings and civil unions, I celebrate their engagement parties and anniversaries. There really is so much diversity out there, and it’s all beautiful. I wish everybody could see that.


* For more info about polyamory, see (among others):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0SX6SILmDs

http://www.polyamoryonline.org/

http://www.polyamory.org/

DannyR

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Nihilism -- CHAFF 2008

I found a quote on the net somewhere that said nihilism is where you go when you can’t find anything to believe in.

According to Wikipedia it’s “the view that the world, and especially human existence, is without meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, or essential value.” It’s often defined as belief in nothing, but from what I’ve read that’s not entirely true... we should say faith in nothing to be more accurate. Faith is a firm belief in something where there isn’t or can’t be any supporting evidence. Nihilists see faith as dangerous because when we’re relying on faith we aren’t using our faculties of common sense, reason and critical analysis. According to Nietzsche (you know him – the “God is dead” guy – life of the party), faith is simply “not wanting to know.”

Not wanting to know? Crazy, right? Well, yeah. But understandable maybe. Who wants to know anyway?? It’s a big scary world out there, it’s hard to understand sometimes, so of course most of us would rather just accept on faith whatever sounds like a fair explanation. It gets exhausting asking questions all the time and never having any certainty, and realistically, nobody’s going to be able to think through absolutely EVERY issue and read EVERY book. Especially in the modern Western nations. I’m not really surprised that in the most technologically advanced and modernized societies, like the USA, Australia and New Zealand, so many people believe in a cosmic zombie who communicates with them each individually by means of telepathy... our lives are a lot more sped up and full of stress and hassle in comparison to the rest of the world. We just don’t have the time to think things through.

Sometimes I think that if any of us could see how complicated the world really is it would be enough to drive us mad. But what the nihilists are getting at is that though it’s comforting to just think we know the answers without having to ask the questions, we’re fooling ourselves, and making things worse for ourselves and others in doing so. How? Well, let’s just pull a random example out of our collective arse, shall we? AIDS is killing thousands of people every day, and causes immeasurable human suffering, all around the world but especially in poorest nations. People get AIDS by becoming infected with HIV, most often through transmission of sexual fluids, and this can be prevented by using condoms during sex. There’s more to it than that, but that’s good enough for our purposes. We could fix the problem and alleviate a lot of the suffering if people wore the damn condoms, but faith has stuck its beak in and convinced a whole lot of those people that the father of the aforementioned cosmic zombie, who lives up in the sky and watches everything they do (the dirty perve) will throw them in a lake of fire to burn forever if they wear condoms when they fuck. And other well-meaning faithful people, mindful of the imperilled souls of those people in the populations where HIV is rampant, are kindly puncturing the condom packets before the poor sods even get them, just to be sure that no latex stands between souls and salvation. Faith makes us do dumb things, so nihilism begins to look like an attractive alternative. It’s the rejection of any belief that relies on faith, whether religious or secular.

Another defining characteristic of nihilism is the rejection of the idea that things have a final purpose. Nihilists believe everything is random, that there is no preordained final destination or revelation. In other words, you’re not going to heaven. It doesn’t exist and what’s more, it’s pointless to live your life in some sort of preparation for it. So go on, masturbate, get drunk, call your mother a herpes-riddled crack-whore... it doesn’t matter. You won’t get punished for it in the hereafter (though your mum might burn all your stuff and kick you out on the street). In a nutshell, nihilists reject the teleological arguments offered by most religions. Teleology is the idea that the universe functions a bit like a machine according to some sort of god-given plan or design, and it’s not restricted to the world of religion either. A common, almost sacred belief among people in the secular West is that you and your significant other were ‘made for each other,’ or if you haven’t got one at the moment, that she or he is out there somewhere waiting for you, that it’s ‘meant to be.’ Well the nihilists have got news for you... there was nothing inevitable about you finding that one particular person, there was no plan, no destiny, it was all just chance, and you only think it’s something magical and special because it feels nice, but you fail to see that you probably would have felt the same about almost anyone else. They might remind you ever so politely (or more likely, somewhat sharply) that everyone else is feeling something pretty similar for their own special-someone, you’re just too blind to see it, so shut the fuck up. Nihilists also reject Marxism, Buddhism, and any other set of beliefs that rely on teleology. There is no destiny, there can be no progress.

Nihilism is virtually synonymous with scepticism. There are two main branches: social or existential nihilism, and political nihilism. Let’s start with the existential variety. It’s passive, influenced by eastern philosophy and mysticism, and concerns itself primarily with isolation, human suffering and the futility and hopelessness of existence. It’s bloody depressing. Most people, when you mention nihilism, will think this is what you mean. In the face of all the meaninglessness and randomness, the only coping mechanism is detachment – just stop giving a shit. Don’t do anything for anyone, don’t bother with worthy causes, just don’t care, because ultimately it’s a waste of time.

Now, don’t confuse existential nihilism with depression, though that certainly follows on from it a lot of the time. Personally I’m inclined toward depression when I’m feeling worthless. When I ask someone out or let them know I’m interested and they say “Fuck no, I need space, I’m not ready for a relationship just now, you’re sweet and everything, let’s just be friends, STOP STALKING ME!!!”, I usually take it to me mean that I’m not tall enough, attractive enough, smart enough etc, and I inevitably begin saying to myself: “What’s the point in trying anyway, I may as well stay in my room, give up my hopes and get used to being by myself.” But kids, that’s not quite full blown existential nihilism, because I’m not saying that there’s no point in anyone trying to get laid, only that there’s no point in me trying. Important difference. Even at my most whiny and self-loathing, I would still agree that most people can and should try to find happiness in the whole love and romance thingy.

Political nihilism, the other main branch of nihilism, is active, revolutionary and at once destructive and creative. It’s about social structures and authority. Political nihilism states that things are in such a bad state that the only real option left to us is to smash them up, and whether or not we can rebuild we will at least have done some good. Being a political nihilist is about being in the here and now... rejecting all religious and philosophical debate and all the metaphysical circular reasoning that it ultimately leads to. It’s about challenging all the assumptions we base our values on, even equality and justice. There’s no future goal that we’re aiming for, no reformed society that’s more tolerant or diverse or equitable or prosperous, or at least no goal that’s more important than the present. It’s about realising there’s no life but this one, and making the most of it. It’s about taking responsibility..... if there’s no higher power then your success or failure is up to you, and you alone. Another nihilism quote I found sums it up nicely... “Each human life has the potential, but unless one strives to be a god, they are only a worm.” We can do anything... it’s up to us whether we repeat the patterns of our forbears, killing and subjugating each other for material gain and dominance and letting our masters profit at our expense, or whether we control our lives and reap the benefits for ourselves.

It’s true that nihilism, like anarchism, is usually equated with violence and terrorism, and there’s certainly historical justification. Nihilists generally reckon that violence is not inherent in their philosophies, but I’m inclined to think that if nihilism is your philosophy you’re more likely to be aggressive. Nihilists say there is nothing above man, there is no objective moral, ethical reality, but is that really the case? The argument can be made that we carry our moral absolutes with us, encoded into our brains. I think it’s genetic, we’ve survived as a species because we know instinctively how to interact with each other. We’re a social species, we have survived because we can cooperate, and we know, each of us, how to do this, how to avoid conflict. Something in our brains, other than fear of repercussions, tells us a behaviour is wrong. Why else, for instance, would all these religions around the world have come up with such basic moral tenets as don’t kill each other? Don’t torture people for fun?? And remember to put the trash out???

Just because there’s no ultimate point to anything, and even though nothing I actually accomplish is going to last forever, that doesn’t mean there’s no sense in doing it anyway, does it? In fact, doesn’t that make human endeavour a more precious and amazing thing? Think about it, out of all the randomness, out of all the meaninglessness, we are able to create something that has meaning for ourselves and others. That meaning might be quite arbitrary, we each might see the same thing quite differently, but isn’t that kind of beautiful in itself? There might not be any reason, in the big scheme of things, for me to get out there and make a noise about discrimination, pollution or the suffering of others, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. It will mean something to me, I’ll be taking control, making something out of the nothingness, making the world what I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, someone else will see the world the way I do.

And that’s meaning enough for me.

Danny Rudd

Friday, May 23, 2008

Possibly

Possibly.
We'll have to see.
But you don't know
What's best for me,
You don't know
What's in my head
The dreams that haunt
Me in my bed.
I get scared,
You don't see why
There are feelings
That I hide.
Medicate me,
Numb the pain,
Turn off the lights
Within my brain
Leaving me
In darkness, here
Alone to face
My silent fears.
Leave me to
This 'misery'
Is it wise?
Well,
Possibly.

- DannyR 23/05/08

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Heron And The Crab

Long ago, in the days of the First Kingdom, a beautiful heron lived by the side of a pond. She was a lazy creature, and one day she devised a plan that would allow her to get a supply of fish to eat without doing much work. She went to the side of the pond as the sun rose in the sky, and there she sat with a gloomy face all morning. She sat there so long, without attempting to catch any fish, that she was eventually noticed by an old crab, which also lived in the pond.

Seeing the heron’s gloomy face, the crab asked her what the matter was.The heron said, “Alas! I overheard a group of fishermen talking about catching all the fish in this pond, leaving it empty. I am worried, for I also depend on the fish in this pond for food. I know of another pond some little distance away, where all the fish could continue to live in safety, and I would gladly carry them there, a few each day, but I fear they will not trust me.”

“That is indeed terrible news,” the crab replied. “But do not worry! The fish will certainly trust me, I will tell them of your plan.” And the crab scuttled away to inform the fish. Hearing of their imminent peril, all the fish were eager to make use of the heron in reaching a safe destination.So everyday thereafter a small number of fish would volunteer to go with the heron, who would take them gently in her beak, and set off toward the new pond she had described. However, each day, on reaching a large rock that stood not far from the fishes’ own pond, the heron would gobble up the fish she carried, leaving the bones there where they could not be seen. And thus she was able to get a continuous supply of fish with no effort at all.

But curiosity got the better of the crab, and one day it volunteered to go with the heron to the new pond. “The fishermen you told me about have not appeared,” it said, “and I am eager to see how my friends are enjoying their new home.”

At first, the heron protested, but when she saw that the crab would not be refused, she consented to take it with her.

When the heron and the crab approached the rock, the crab saw the bones of the fish all scattered on the ground, and it realised the horrid trick the heron had been playing on the poor fish. Enraged, it tightened its claws around the long, slender neck of the heron and snapped her wicked head off. Then it hurried back to the pond and told all the fish about the lies the heron had been telling. The fish wept at having been so deceived, and the crab wept with them, for it was the one who had convinced the fish to trust the heron in the first place, and it was full of remorse.

And so, dear children, be careful that you do not believe the lies of those who would hurt you, and be content where you are, whatever your situation, lest a fate like that of the foolish fish should befall you also. And remember also those that deceive, that lie and cheat from laziness, will come to a bad end eventually.

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Servant and the Serpent

Once upon a time there lived a poor but wise Brahman. He worked hard in his fields all the days of his life, until his feet were blistered and his back was bent from toil, but all his efforts did not bear fruit. Many nights he lay awake, wondering how he had offended the gods, that they should choose not to reward his labour.

Then one day he discovered an anthill in a corner of his field and there, coiled upon it, he found a beautiful green serpent. As he gazed upon it, he realized that it was the guardian deity of his field, and that he had not paid respect to it. “Surely this is why my labour is fruitless,” he said to himself, and bowed himself down to the serpent. Feeling that this was not enough, he ran to his house and fetched a saucer and a jug of milk, and returned to the anthill with them. There, he filled the saucer with milk and set it before the serpent, then he bowed again, and returned to his house.

The next morning, the Brahman went back to the anthill, and there, sitting upon it just as it had the day before, was the serpent, looking pleased. The saucer he had left there was now empty, and so with a smile the Brahman again fetched the jug of milk from his house, and refilled it. Then he bowed to the serpent once more, and returned to his work in the fields.

From that day onward, the Brahman placed a saucer of milk before the anthill every morning to atone for his discourtesy. He slept easily at night, knowing he had discovered his error and was making atonement, and soon his crops began to grow. This made the old Brahman joyful, and so one day when he visited his neighbours he told them of the change in his fortunes, praising the guardian deity of the field.

The following morning, when the Brahman returned to the anthill with milk, he found a gold coin sitting in the empty saucer. Overjoyed, he bowed himself low to the serpent, praising it exceedingly, thanking it for its great generosity. Then he took the coin, and refilled the saucer, and went back to his house. He did not return to his work in the fields that day, but sent his servant to bring his neighbours, and he prepared a feast in honour of the serpent.

Every day thereafter, when the Brahman replenished the saucer of milk by the anthill, he found another gold coin. His crops grew well, and very soon he was the richest man in the district. All was well, but still the Brahman was not completely happy, for he was lonely and becoming very old. He began to think about getting married, but as there were no suitable brides in his district, he would have to travel to a town many miles away.

Eventually, having made up his mind, the old Brahman made preparations for the journey, but before he left he summoned his servant before him. “You must not forget to honour the serpent by feeding it milk every morning,” he instructed the boy. “I will not be gone for long, but it is very important that you do as I ask.”

The servant promised to do as he had been told, and so the old Brahman saddled up his mule and set off on his journey smiling, knowing his house and fields would be well looked after in his absence.

But the boy was greedy and he thought, “Surely, this anthill must be full of gold coins. What good is just one coin a day? I will get the whole lot, and then I will be rich, and will run away.” And so, instead of taking milk to the anthill the next morning as he had been instructed, the servant took a rod and struck the serpent, hoping to kill it. But the serpent could not be killed, and it attacked the wicked boy and wounded him fatally. The servant died before he could even return to the house, and fell in the field, holding the rod with which he had struck the serpent. The birds came and plucked out his eyes and picked at his flesh.

Thus did the Brahman find him when he and his new wife returned some weeks later, and so the old man knew what had happened. He cried out in alarm, and went immediately to the anthill, but the beautiful serpent was no longer there, it had departed in anger, cursing the Brahman’s fields forever.

And so do not be greedy, dear children, for you risk the anger of the gods, and they will take their vengeance upon you and all in your household. Instead be thankful for what you have, and honour those to whom you owe respect.

DannyR

Friday, April 18, 2008

TAGGED!!

First, post the rules:

- Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.

- Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules.

- At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names.

- Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.


1) The first girl I ever fell head over heels for was the biggest bitch I have ever known. She was stunning, her hair was straight and snow-white blonde (not from a bottle, either), it fell to her waist (she never wore it up) and it bounced and swayed as she walked. She was a dancer, so she moved gracefully and was incredibly slim. She was taller than me, and she had freckles across her nose. Her name was Charity, which was kind of ironic, really, because she was unrelenting in her cruelty. Not that she ever swore at me or anything like that, no she was always smiling, and her voice was like honey. Her evil power was in her unerring ability to detect what people were most insecure about and draw attention to it in front of everyone, again and again, smiling sweetly as she did so. She humiliated me all through my teenage years, by saying things like "What on earth possessed you to wear that, sweetie?" and laughing gently at my stature and... other physical attributes... in front of her friends. And I was so smitten that I stumbled over myself trying not to look silly, and making more of a laughing stock of myself in the process.

2) The last time my dad came to visit me in Wellington (a few years back now) I heard him knock at the door and immediately hid under my bed where he wouldn't see me if he looked through the window. I stayed there for nearly three hours, listening to him banging on the door and swearing, hearing him walk around the house and look in through all the windows. Why didn't I just let him in? Because he annoys the hell out of me, showing up unannounced, talking about me to my flatmates as if I wasn't there, saying what he thinks is 'wrong with' me, insulting his hosts and saying every racist, homophobic, chauvanist thing that comes into his Christ-polluted head. Don't get me wrong, he's not saying these things like an ordinary Christian would... he's ANGRY when he says them, and when he gets angry he scares me half-to-death. Ordinary Christians would be horrified, I think, to hear him talking. And he's a minister. Go figure.

3) I cannot save money for the life of me. It's not even that I spend it on stuff, when I look at my bank statement it all seems to have gone on food, rent, power etc. But there's never any left over, and it doesn't matter how much I'm getting on a weekly basis. I think I eat too much.

4) I often fall asleep fantasizing about not waking up, wondering who would find me, what they would find, how they would go about packing up my stuff and distributing it among my family and friends or disposing of it. I wonder if anyone knows me well enough to work out what sort of commemmoration or service I'd want, and who would show up.

5) I had a secret world as a kid, more in my head than anywhere in my real life exactly. It was modelled on a quiet inner-city park I'd found one time when my mum had taken my little brother and me to visit my aunt Thelma and her husband Roy. It was over their back fence, and screened off on all sides by tall trees (I think they were poplars). In the middle of it was a fallen tree trunk, it was thick, hollow, and crawling with spiders and bugs, but I sat there on it enjoying the sunshine until I heard my mum calling for me an hour or so later. Aunt Thelma moved when Roy died, and I never found the place again, but it's still there in my head, I can picture it perfectly, and I escape there whenever I just want 'me' time.

6) I always wanted to be a writer... I still do. I have, under my bed, a good 300 pages of a couple of stories I've partly written. One of the main ways I waste time instead of doing my study is by typing what I've got so far. I think I'm very good at coming up with ideas, but quite poor at taking them to their conclusion, and so I guess I'll never write a book. I think it's because on some level I feel like it's not 'real work' and it would be selfish of me to pursue it.

7) I'm really ashamed of the fact that I did dance classes as a kid... ballet, tap, contemporary, jazz... and I got high marks in the exams. I absolutely hated it, but I loved being on stage, and I knew it made my mum proud so I kept up with it until I was fourteen and was just getting hassled too much by other kids my age. I got bullied a lot for it in primary school, so all through intermediate and high school I tried to hide the fact that I had done it, but it wasn't much good. I was getting called 'faggot' 'poof' and 'queer' before I even knew what the words meant. Retrospectively, I can't help but wonder if that has something to do with who I actually turned into.

8) I once pretended to have lost my wallet and driver's license at a party at someone's house, just so I could ask the guy who lived there to look for it and get back to me. He was one of the most attractive guys I've ever met, and of course I knew he was WAAAYY out of my league but it didn't stop me from obsessing over him for months.

9) I feel like I've lived enough, in that many different places, as that many different versions of me, that the one thing I want in all the world is rest, to not have to be anyone or anything, to not have to think or care or feel anything anymore. I'm feel exhausted, worn out, "thin, like butter spread over too much bread," to use Bilbo Baggins' expression.

10) If I could crawl inside a story, it would have to be 'The Last Continent' by Terry Pratchett, or in fact any of his Rincewind stories. I'd love to be just swept away in the insanity, it would be something new, vibrant and interesting. Rincewind's world conforms to no rules, nothing has to make sense, the only certainty being that you don't piss off The Luggage, or you get eaten. 'The Last Continent' is, I think, Pratchett's most ridiculous story, and it always makes me laugh my socks off.

Science vs Religion

Heart

Heart
I guess I just care too much...